[показать]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later
huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for
the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he
weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs., as
promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing
nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
'If you catch me you can have me.' Well, he's out the door after her
like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with
him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight
on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost
another 20 lbs., as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50
pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I
haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass
is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[показать]

"Геи ничего не боятся. Самое страшное у них уже было."
pimenov

"Идея (создания народных дружин по охране порядка из числа "неблагополучной" молодежи), как я считаю, просто изумительная. Только неблагополучным подросткам нужно еще раздать боевые пистолеты, бейсбольные биты и железные пруты, после чего разрешить изымать деньги у тех прохожих, которые не смогут предъявить едросовский партбилет. Изъятые деньги частично отдавать государству в качестве насильственно поступивших налогов, а другую часть использовать на покупку вооружения и политинформации о руководящей роли ясный хрен какой партии."
Алекс Экслер

Нельзя считать себя достаточно взрослым, если у тебя школьные фотографии - цифровые...

Действительно, лучший друг человека - собака. Не верите? Попробуйте такой эксперимент: закройте в багажнике машины вместе собаку и свою жену. Через часок-другой откройте. Кто, по-вашему, вам больше обрадуется?

Продюсер говорит с молодым исполнителем:
- Вчера жене обещал, что назову в ее честь звезду. Так что, Сергей, поздравляю - ты станешь звездой. И звать тебя будут Анжела.

[показать]

[показать]

You may or may not know about your local laws requiring
You call for utility locating before you do any excavation.


The pictures below are a result of a farmer using a post hole
Digger without calling for "locates" and he hit an underground,
High-pressure cross country gas pipe.

They never did find the guy???. Took out 2 homes.

[показать]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

LORD
THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER

Jane got married and had 13 children.

Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.

Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Jane again, remarried,.... and this time, she & John had 5 more children.

Jane finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:
"I think he means her legs, Ethel...."

[показать]

[показать]

[показать]

[показать]

[показать]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the
teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a
dozen
eggs, but when they hatched
we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story
Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got
hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the
way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle
of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun
until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the
machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with
her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay the hell away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.'
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?'
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected.'
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'
Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could...'
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'
Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father ?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Prime Minister and the Chancellor before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to Parliament and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived; Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Darling, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly will help our images and might even get me re~elected Prime Minister. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT".
Darling agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Gordon's hand in his right hand and Alistair's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end ?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Gordon. "Amen", said Alistair.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
(Women's restroom - Dick's Last Resort: Dallas , Texas )

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
(Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea: Tucson , Arizona )

Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library - Duke University : Durham , North Carolina .)

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
(Men's restroom - Murphy's: Champaign , IL .)

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
(Sign over one of the urinals - Ed Debevic's: Phoenix , AZ. )

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
(The Bayou: Baton Rouge , Louisiana .)

God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
(The Tombs Restaurant: Washington , D.C. )

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
(The Irish Times: Washington , D.C. )

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
(Smoky Joe's - Philadelphia , PA. )

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
(Armand's Pizza - Washington , D.C. )

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? CONGRESS!
(Men's restroom - House of Representatives: Washington , D.C. )

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
(Revolution Books: New York , New York )

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
(Written in the dust on the back of a bus: Wickenburg , Arizona )

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
(Houghton Library - Harvard University : Cambridge , Massachusetts .)

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
(Men's restroom - American University : Washington , D.C. )
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
(Women's restroom - The Filling Station: Bozeman , Montana )

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
(Men's Room - Linda's Bar and Grill: Chapel Hill , North Carolina .)

No wonder you always go home alone.
(Sign over mirror in Men's restroom - Ed Debevic's: Beverly Hills , CA .)

Remember, it's not "How high are you?" - it's "Hi, how are you?"
(Rest stop off Route 81, WV.)

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
(Women's restroom - Murphy's: Champaign , IL .)

To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
(Men's restroom - Greasewood Flats: Scottsdale , Arizona )

What are you looking on the wall for? The joke’s in your hands.
(Men's rest room - Lynagh's: Lexington , KY. )

You're too good for him.
(Sign over mirror in Women's restroom - Ed Debevic's: Beverly Hills , CA .)