emptiness fills inside me
bitterness has denied me,,,

I wake up in the middle of the night, and for a second I cant understand where I am. I look around the room. I cant seem to remember how I ended up here. I dont know what day of the week it is, or what time. I get off the bed, the change on the table, the key, the shoes. Im tiered, very incredibly tiered, and sober for once. Im confused. I cant distinguish dreams from reality. I dont know where I am. But I have to go, its this feeling of being needed, the feelings of someone waiting. I dont know, but I take my chances. Its a feeling of emptiness, pain, hopelessness. My wrists hurt, but I cant remember doing it. I dont know whats goin on. I walk down the stairs. I unlock the door and it hits me. The warmth of a night. The smell of the summer, the smell of the sea. I stand there gobsmacked, I cant believe it. I walk out, past the cars, turn right and I see him sitting there.
I stand still for a few minutes just wondering if hes gonna disappear, if hes suddenly gonna vanish into the air, but he doesnt.

... and then suddenly Im just observing it from the top, suddenly im just lookin at them from behind the glass,,, suddenly they are just two figures in a glass cube that im holding in my hands,,,

I see the girl walkin up to him, I hear her sayin - hi
I see him lookin up at her, I hear him sayin - Do u know what time it is
and I see her smile,,,
I see them walking, I hear them talkin, I see them huggin,,,
I see her smiling,,, I see her laughin,,,
I can hear them sharing dreams,,,
I see her sleepin on his shoulder...

and then the glass box stars cracking,,, and im tryin to hold it in my hands,
tryin to prevent it from breaking, but i cant, and its all bluring and then

I see them fightin, I see her screamin, tryin to argue something
I see him talkin, explaining,,, patiently proving
I see him lying,,, and I see her buyin his lies,,, if only he continues talkin
I see her hurting,,,
I see her crying,,, holding on to him,,, tryin to breath him
Tryin to breath his life,
and suddenly everythin is just numbers, all over the glass walls,

numbers, equasions, xs and ys, fractions,,,

then bleeding numbers, its chaos, and then the numbers fall into their bodies again

and shes sitting on some wooden stick outside a third floor window,
and hes sitting across the room,,,

and shes tellin him she doesnt need him, she doesnt want him
and he just sits there

and she jumps,,,
and falls right through the glass side of the box, and disappears,,,

Im panickin, Im looking for her,,, but Im hangin in the air, theres nthg around me
just the glass cube in my hands with him in it,,,
and then i see a different one floating around,
I grab it and i see her sitting on the floor,
I see her empty eyes,,,, suddenly they are around me, all over,,,
I see her letting go,
and Im tryin to break the cube, im tryin to scream, im tryin to let her out
but she doesnt hear me...

and then everything goes black,,,
and im standing by my gate,
im holding his hand,
and Im promising to come back
and I see the tears in his eyes, and i feel like im gonna start cryin too
I kiss him one last time, I promise him Im gonna come back
one last time, I turn i open the gate...
I turn around, I hug him again,,, and i keep repeating this over and over and over again untill i turn into an X ,,, and numbers everywhere ,,, again,,,

i jump up, I hit my head on the ceiling,,,

I look under my pillow to check for time, i pick up the phone and suddenly his name is callin ,,, I drop the phone,,,
I pick it up, my hands are shackin,

- hello?
- ... car crash...

I pass out,,,

Then next someone is shackin me, i open my eyes and its Emily, shes tellin me she has to go home, and i need to call a taxi,,, I tell her i have a phone and go back to sleep,,,
I wake up cuz someones knockin on my wall,i jump up, i look out of the window, some guy asks me if i have school tomorrow, i agree, i go to my bathroom, take out a blade and slit my wrists,,, i pass out...

i wake up on the pavement in a dress with a bunch of ppl runnin around,,,
someone picks me up, carries me across the road, i puke on his shoes,
he feeds me water and carries me to a bed,,,
i close my eyes,

i open them and ive just crossed a road, a bunch of ppl behind me are runnin after me, i tell them im tiered and im off to sleep...
all the way home im cryin
i get into my bed, my phone starts ringing

- hello?
- ... he never changes... coma... hospital...

im cryin,,, i climb off the bed, and walk into a vase, slip, fall, roses,,,,

and im overwhelmed, candles are all over the place,,, and his smile,,,

next thing i know is im screaming,,,
on the floor,,, i feel like im dying, pain everywhere, i realize i mustve fallen off the bed,,,

i get up,,, i look around,,, im lost,,, i dunno where i am how old am i,,,
im having a nightmare, it was all just a Читать далее...

zen -- [noun]: A person who is constantly high 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

You are a Rocker Girl!

If you don't have musical talent, you've got a talent for picking out great CD's. Music rules your life - and you've got the best MP3 collection of anyone you know. Many guys find you intimidating, but a select few think you're the catch of a lifetime. Start hanging out in more used record stores, and you'll find love with a fellow rocker!

Thats the one!!! now i know!!! now u tell me where to hang out lol! :P

Your Inner Color is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart. You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

В колонках играет - Guns&Roses - Don't Cry

I came home and called mum,,, like all the other times,,, nothing ever changes,,, So I came to find, doing not this way, feeling like I'm gone, feeling there's no way,,,and I just crawled and cuddled up on my bed,,, that feeling again, like I have no bones, like there's a fire inside, like everythin inside is dying,,, I doubt I could put it into words, the feeling when you just wanna be very very very small, non existent, a feeling that you wanna hide,,, disappear, too many feelings,,, too many emotions,,, I cant even cry,,, it's like a feeling of everythin crumbling, crushing, burning, dying insdie, the feeling of loneliness, but differen type,,, the one when you accept it,,, when it doesnt matter,,, when life is ... finished,,, and I wanted to cry,,, like every other time he left,,, wanted to scream, shout, crash evertyhin around, but all I could do was lie there,,, like every time,,, like I dont have a voice, like a jelly fish,,,
Can it ever burn enough, to turn to dust?
I dont let it come out,,, like a reaction to swallow,,, I dont know if I can let it out,,, I dont know if there is anthg to come out,,,
Nothing changed,,, not a fraction,,, not a tiny little milisecond of that brain reaction to him,,,
6 long long years,,,
Just this feeling, that I want to be in his arms, spend my life with him,,, have his kids,,, marry him,,, fuck that,,, just to be in one room with him,,, or one country for a starter,,, walk the streets and wait, wait to meet him again,,, hope,,, hope that he'll come back,,,

[700x560]

Your Birthdate: February 6

You tend to be a the rock in relationships - people depend on you. Thoughtful and caring, you often put others needs first. You aren't content to help those you know... you want to give to the world. An idealist, you strive for positive change and dream about how much better things could be. Your strength: Your intuition Your weakness: You put yourself last Your power color: Rose Your power symbol: Cloud Your power month: June

я устала...
очень устала...
просто дикое чувство усталости....от всего :(
ф от чего в сущности не знаю...

Crumbled skies in neon red
Broken glass in scarlet paint
Life in pieces over lies
Chewing, crawling, crashing, dies,,,
[525x700]

Im suffocating,,,
I cant breathe,,,
Its not letting me breath,,,

Слушать этот музыкальный файл

У меня новый приступ дикой депресии... не знаю что с ней делать :(((
Я пыталась объяснить, что это не спроста, что просто мне вставили палку в колесо, или я наехала на кочку, и не заметила, а телега всё не едет и не едет,,, если бы я только смогла найти эту палку, или неисправность в чертовой телеге, и если бы я её починила... а люди думают у меня съехала крыша... наверное так... я говорю и не понимаю что я говорю,,, то есть я себя не слышу... как буд-то я не могу сконценрироваться сама на себе,,, мне всё время сняться кошмары... наверное действительно съехала крыша...
:)))
да и еще мне всё время смешно, всё смешно, я всё время смеюсь,,, но мне не смешно

мне всё опять стала похую
:(((

Have you ever been so attached to someone that without that person... well its nothingness,,, like pure nothingness,,, and its meaningless,,,
every step u take doesnt make a difference,,, n u r scared,,, scared to death to really feel, really let urself feel something, anything,,, cuz ure scared of that thing inside being let out loose,,, tryin to get urself lost in time, tryin to lose all underderstanding of reality,,, not think of a future, or the past,,, n u r so tired but u fear the bed, cuz once u sit on it u just wanna cry, n u eventually just let it swallow u, n let urself drawn in these dreams and when u wake up ur first thought is SWALLOW,,, n u sit there eatin something doesnt matter what, n u push it down, and it keeps comin up and u keep pushin it down, with the tears with all thoughts and dreams and hopes, n ur mind is in constant war with itself,,, u keep the door shut n a guard on it,,, n everytime the guard goes off ur knees turn to jelly n ure on the floor before u know it, ure down there somewhere and u force urself to get up, u fight for air, not cuz u wanna breath but cuz ure scared of that darkness swallowing u completely and u keep fightin to exist,,,, knowing u just cant live,,,

[240x205]

В колонках играет - линда
Настроение сейчас - ....

Забавно,

я сегодня поняла, то есть вспомнила... или поняла... что я чувствую...
такое ощущение что мне разбили сердце... забавное выражение...
токое ощущение что в нутри всё ноет... тубая боль, хочется лезть на стену,,,
какаято безнадега... как будто стакан разлетелся на маленькие кусочки,,,
и эти кусочки врезались, застряли в серце, и каждый вздох и выдох приносит
тупую боль...
еще забавнее то что я не помню что бы я влюблялась... не помню ярких всплеск эмоций... не помню что бы я чего-то чувствовала...
сижу пытаюсь понять, почему эти глаза полные тупой злости и пустоты вызвали во мне таки чувства... почему я возвращаюсь в тот парк и сижу там часами одна на скамейке... почему у меня вообще проснулись какие-то эмоции...
мне кажется я просто запретила себе чувствовать и пока всё было хорошо я прятала свое серде в шелковой коробочке... прятала его тихие стуки, прятала его дрожь... а потом... а что было потом... потом я заставила его верить в то что всё хорошо... что я умею ждать, и что если долго ждать и надеяться то в концеконцов всё будет хорошо... я пытаюсь заставить его верить в то что его нет... что оно не умеет чувтвовать, и каждый раз я расслабляюсь я чувствую как оно сжимается... что сейчас я снова начну задыхаться, или коленкиопять подкосятся.... как буд-то оно прячется от меня... хочет удержаться за ниточку надежды... хочет спрятать свои мечты от меня... оно хочет биться, любить, даже если его не будут любить в ответ...
я схожу с ума... как так жожет быть что серде чувтвует и прячет свои чувства?

Заебись книга....

читайте

http://gutenberg.net.au/ebooks06/0607481.txt

я помойму стала алкоголиком

я пьянею от 2ух стопок.... наверное это просто нервы... потому как мне кажется
что я и без водки пьяная под вечер...

долго пыталась понять почему у меня всё время рвзбитые руки... вчера поймала себя за их кусанием ... смешно выглядит как будто я всё время бью стены или кого-то еще...

всё время хочу спать... просто спать, спрятаться под одеялом и не вылезать...
еще хочется кричать...

почему у меня такое истеричное состояние, не могу понять...

по мойму у меня просто съехала крыша :(

Хммм... надо писать дневник...
До нормального уже руки не доходят,хоть этот попишу...

погуляли бля на славу...
набухалась вусмерть... как обычно... - Водку - пить, земля - воляться
скокала как дура, общалась со всеми,
половина пацанов ходили почему-то за мной...
большинство времени не помню...
было очень очень весело... тогда... сейчас дико мучает совесть
приставала к пацану... при этом НЕ моему, и еще и коментировала всем остальным что делаю и что чувствую...
... завтра начнуться сплетни...
и так не весело а тут еще и это всё...
буду пользоваться черным входом в универ... :(

В колонках играет - andrea bocelli - o mare e tu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwfbTVzN-fc

obsessed obsessed obsessed...

been watchin the whole night literally

смотрите всем кому не лень... охуительная вещь!!!