я не могу,
я больше не могу...
мне плохо... мне больно...
im not good enough, not good enough for the ones that i love
i cant do so many things, i cant i just cant bring myself to achieve them,,,
im ashamed of myself
i hate myself i despise me
im wrong, im always on the wrong,,,
and im torn in this feeling that i cant ask for help cuz itll upst u even more
cuz id be more useless than i already am
he left on a holiday and he didnt eventell me
nevermind that he hasnt called in ages,,,
like i stopped existing AGAIN
it stings,,, like i walked all the way up the mountin and now i feel back down there again,,,
i wanna cry,,, like that day when he walked in and just set there by my bed and said i love u,,, and i wanted to cry,,,
and its so stupid he called and asked to bring him the thing, and i told himt o fuck off like me usual me, and he came and he just set there and he showed emotions ,,, emotions that neither me nor him were able to show for years
now im back where i started,,,
i cant i cant do this,,, it stings ,,, cuz i pretended to be asleep and really i wanted to hug him, i cant rememember the last time i hugged him,,,
i cant remember the last time i was able to do that...

I dream about you lately all the time :( I generally dream too much
my feelings are bordering with lunacy,,, one second im beggin the next im realistic, one second im hopin, the next im understanding,,,

... somethign somethin something,,,

we walk in, i keep opening doors with keys,
everythign is the same, just like every time i come back
all the rooms, we go upstairs and i open the door to what appears ot be my masters chambers and then the bugs, big massive, cockroaches, or bugs, somethgn that flies, somethign disgusting,,,
im screamin, im hiding behind you, "do something, please"
ure laughin, something careless about ur laugh, something that says dont worry u retard,,, and with the same attitude u squash them , lightness in ur actions, fearlessness,,, its all taken a playful mode, although im really scared,,,
we go downstairs,,, my granddad comes, i unpack his suitcase and find dozens of cakes, choclate, cheese, fruit, u name it,,, shove it in the fridge
hes sittin inside , at the table, reading something,,, my sister comes,
only shes about 4-5 ? may be even 3,,, shes runnin around him,,,
then my mom comes, i unpack her suitcase too,,, and thats filled with cakes too and i tell her "just what do u think u bought" and she goes with this awfully familiar face expressions of her, caryin, worrying, loving - "cakes... for them to feed when they r here" and i turn wiht my familiar sarcasm, hidden emotions - well the whole fridge is one big cake,,,
and then im outside, i dunno if it happens before or after,,,
were on my bench, but facin the house,,, im covered in a blanket, leanin against u,,, harmonious mood,,, calm, peacefull,,, im just sittin there and u say with the same sort of playfullness, lgihtness, so unfamiliar to u,,,ignorance, or indifference,,, may be even detachment,,, "so ure tellin me u managed to get engaged" and this somehow blends in with u sayin "how did u manage to say ure engaged"... suddenly this worker comes,
and Im so shocked I jump and then I look at u, scared that we were caught in a wrong moment, inappropriate actions, bottles, alcohol, drugs, sex... but ure dressed and sober, ure jeans, its like a tingling sensation,,, for a second there i catch myself starin at them and ur trainers, and i think i could sit here forever just lookin at those,,,
instead I ask the guy, "u must be here for the bugs" and he goes "bugs ? what bugs? im just walkin around" and disappears in the house,,,
and then i realize Im late for work,,, and that I gotta go, and I know that when i leave, ull stay here,,, along with the house, and my little sister, and the cakes,,, and ill never get as close as seeing or talkin to u again,
and im overwhelmed with this feeling, not fear, but regret, unwillingness to let it go, let u stay there,,,
and i tell u that ure gonna walk me to the station since u got nothin better to do,,, and its jst up the road, just near the bakery, 3 mins walk,,,
and so we walk, holding hands, we cross alleys, and bridges and trees and houses,,, further and further,,, and i can see the station, but it aint gettin close, and i dont want to leave, i dont want to let go of ur hand,,,
and were talkin about what well do when ill be back, like im just goin to school, ure askin when, and i know it wont happen, and so do u, like 4 years ago,,, we just meaninglessly discuss it,,, and u start fading, but its still u,,, even thou, u disappear, and appear, its changin, the scene is changin,,, th fight between havin to and wanting to ...

and then some ideot callin me at 7am,,, i jump off my bed and my mood is ruined for the next week,,, couldnt i just have a few more mins, a few more steps, a few more roads,,, couldnt i just see u there just one last time,,, jst just ,,, ((((

how do u feel?
that is the question
but i forget u dont expect an easy answer...

i wonder,,,
how does it feel to feel?

если я без тебя то куда я с тобой?
если мы как одно то зачем нам вдвоём?
если мы вместе с ним то когда я с тобой?
если я за тобой то зачем мне одной?

i waited...
i stopped,,, u stopped and so did i...

im officially ugly,,, dont ask
ban the mirrors

xoxo gossip girl

I dont want to leave,
its kinda peaceful n at the same time it aint,,,
its not good but its better than...

i miss my daddy
i miss my mommy,,,

im tiered of doin things the wrong way
:(((
xoxo gossip girl lol

ehhh,,,
(((
blah

bleh, cant smoke this shit,,,

how u doin today?

i havent had anthg to drink,,, feels a little off,,,
damn gonna go try make myself sleep,,, need to get some sleeping pills

theres less of u in my head today ,,, im glad,,,
u really have to go

anyhow
early morning tomorrow...
forgive me i shall no elaborate about bullshit today,

im worse today to be honest,,, i think,,, ehh well

take care

things accomplished in the past 12 hours:

1. did bout 10 pages of ideas for drawings
2. smoked a pack of b&h that btw failed their markieting campaign in chine cuz of the gold and black pack
3. read a little of palhanik that said that the worst mistake we humans make is being born and the rest of our lives we try to correct it, or was it not him?
4. missed u
5. waited for u
6. elaborated upon how all my knowledge really used to come from u
7. did it
8. felt guilty
9. felt happy
10. drank
11. spoke to pol
12. felt shit
13. waited for u some more
14. created ne memories in the past
15. elaborated upon beauty and feelings in art,,, shame it all went down the drain was quite a theory put down in words
16. got drunk
17. gotta go sleep wakey wakey in 5 hours tops.

i miss u good night

okay ive written like shit loadz like 4 time and the window keeps closin lol
breakin time?

literally 5 pages of talkin to u...
down the drain .. aint got the will to write it over :S

im contemplating,,, its in my hands,,, yes or no situation,,,
green or red,,,
its red actually ... ironic,,, always was,,, theyre the best...
5 mins to stop me,,, 8:08 now,,, something has to happen within the next 5 mins ,,, and i wont,,,
ready steady set go....
fair enough,,,
now the task is not to let anyone see lol

uhm,,, why does it not (%&$()@... hmmm

come as u, as u were, as i want u to be, as a friend, as an old memory

Ah i figured it out!!!
it makes it quiet cuz u fully concentrste on it, cuz u keep tryin to see if it worked and what came of it,,,

lol i cant bear to rewrite this lol

i miss u,,, lol

[700x560]
Rumour has it,,,
________________that the phones on,,,
Rumour has it,,,
________________that you r not alone,,,

lol or the other way around...
either way,,,
Im tryin,,, Im forcing it out,,,
writing is one way,,, well this is actually talkin,,, i am talkin indeed lol
had some dream today about working somewhere...
cant remember
god i sleep like 18 hours a day lol
anyway good morning
how r u today?
who was it that documented this artists journey to madness? not like filmed it
but wrote about it, it was in renaissance, cant remember
either way...
- good morning -

I need to:
1. Draw
2. Stop drinkin
3. Stop thinkin
4. Stop ... =]