Настроение сейчас - confused!!!

Wish everything wasn't so confusing, perhaps I am overcomplicating things. I'm not jealous of her, or anyone... I just keep thinking that if we both interest him, then what makes him be with me & not her? We both might have similar qualities that he looks for, with the only difference that I am ready to be with him & she's not. & sadly, this might be why he chose me over her, not because of anything else. I mean, I'm sure a lot more factors contribute to ''us being together'', but if that one is one of them I'm not the type to follow through with it. & I'm honestly not allright with it, because there's no difference between using a person, & being with them simply because they agree to be with you. I really don't give a fck who he speaks to, as long as I know that there's a reason why he's with me & not someone else...as long as I know I matter a little more to him than any other, you'd think I'm not asking for much, then why aren't we working out?


I guess as us being ''friends'' I don't notice it anymore. Because he doesn't really get anything from me & by that he shows me that he truly cares, & I want to go back but going back means not being afraid...anymore. & I know he won't cheat or anything like that, but having feelings for two people at a time is considered more than cheating, in my understanding...


''If I have to stop being a jealous bitch, & stop driving him crazy in order to be with him. Then that is what I'll do.''





I don't mind them talking, I mind him having feelings for her while he is with me, he can love her all he wants but then he's going to have to stay away from me. I'm not a fckng doll, so I won't even try pretending to be one.



I guess this way I just don't feel used so it's easier for me & I'm not always a nervous wreck. It's all very psychological, & just the fact that he might like her more only for the fact that she rejected him & I didn't & I guess in his eyes that makes her look more w.e., more ''hard to get'', more desirable. & the problem isn't me being heartbroken, I'm not gonna ''not survive'' w.o. him, the problem is me ''replacing someone.'' I'd rather be alone than be a fake replacement for something that could've been real. With time I just got really used to the fact that if people aren't working out together, that doesn't necessarily mean that one of them is ''bad'' or not ''good enough'' it just means that they are looking for someone different. Plenty of examples of that from my personal life, Dima who's all ''drugs, sex & rock & roll'' OBVIOUSLY wasn't for me & my Dima Bilan ringtones, so he found a girl that actually LIVES his lifestyle, she's not better than me, she's not really more attractive than me, were just different. Same here like what are you gonna do kill yourself over it? Theres 3 more million guys in this world so what are the chances of you falling in love 53 more times?


Then again all of this could just be my imagination, but facts are facts, & people always want something they can't have, & guys always respect girls who can say ''no'' to them. What are you gonna do bout that? nothin. live with it or not, my choice, what I decide...I don't know.

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