Father, am I in the wrong major? I'm asking you and really want you to answer me, and really afraid to find out what is your answer. Because I am afraid that your answer is going to require something I don't want to do, I don't like, (Or i say i do, but in reality i don't)
What do you want me to do?
What do you want me to do in church?
Do you want me to work with the choir, just help, continuou what I'm doing right now?
What do you want me to do with my feelings, with my dreams? I think you want me to stop dreaming about him. Actually, i want it myself, but i am so weak, I just escape into my dreams from the hard reality, while I should'v run to you, and escape into prayer. For some reason, it seems that praying is work as well, while dreaming is relaxation. Althoug prayer is brining me into the right balance, while dreaming disbalance me so badly. When I start my day off the dreaming - i'm hysterical, annoyed and annoying, lost and lazy, doubtful about a single minor decision (what to buy tea or coffee).

Yes, I DO want to know what do You want me to do, but I DO want You to give me certainty that you'll be there to help me to do your will.

Againe, maybe I am looking for feelings, but this is I am. Often it's not enough just to know the fact in order to live up to it. I need this inward peace of heart and mind that will make me strong enough to live up to what I believ is right. So, I ask you for that.
Please,
I love you, and need you.
Sorry, i am so stabborn, lazy, emotional...

Another thing, I want to be cold, real and disciplined toward myself, and compationate, loving, and careful with others.

Не жалей себя, не жалей
По себе слез горьких не лей,
Сердцу нежных слов не шепчи,
Промолчи
Дверь свою закрой поплотней
На колени склонись поскорей
И Христу всю горечь души
Расскажи,