Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blow jobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight … "Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now."

A woman one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, "Yeah. Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory and a fervent prayer! Yeah, now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child." That may be true, but guys … yyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now … watching an empty stage.

Boy, my folks are proud of me! "Bill, honey, you still doing that suck your own cock bit?" "Yeah, mom." "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser. How clever of you to come up with the suck your own cock bit, honey. You're so clever, it makes your mama's bosom swell with pride. Knowing her son is travelling the world, using his given surname, going up in front of rooms of total strangers and doing the suck your own cock piece!" "Thanks, mom." "No biggie."

They [Australians] celebrate Easter the exact same way we do: commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit … left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race. Anybody got any idea? You know, I've read the Bible. I can't find the word "bunny" or "chocolate" anywhere in the fucking book. Where do they come up with this shit? Why not goldfish left Lincoln logs in your sock drawer? As long as you're making shit up, you know, go hog-wild. At least the goldfish with a Lincoln log on its back going across your carpet has some miraculous connotations. [in faux Australian accent] "Mummy, today I found a Lincoln log in me sock drawer." "That's the story of Jesus!"

Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news? To hear what it's all about, perhaps? Wouldn't that be interesting? Just for once?

"Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration … that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There's no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather."
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