К сожалению (или к счастью), это невозможно перевести без потери нюансов. А написано это фанфикером, как возмущённый отзыв Тома Фелтона на спектакль "Equus" с Дэном Рэдклиффом.

Источник: http://pushdragon.livejournal.com/43116.html

So, for lovers everywhere of the HP movies and green eggs and ham, I give you Tom Felton's filky response to the photo shoot. (For those outside the UK, it plays on the "page-three girl" tradition, by which tabloid newspapers, on the flimsiest pretext, boost their sales with shots of mostly-naked women just inside the cover.)

That page-three man

Dan-I-am.
Dan-I-am!

I do not like that Dan-I-am.
I do not like that page-three man.
I would dearly like to ban
That shameless, wanton page-three man.

Could I, would I, bare my chest,
my love-trail too and all the rest?

No! Not under threat of force.
Above all, never with a horse!
I would not pinch my nipples out
And flex my abs and scowl and pout.
I do not think it debonair
To fetishise my armpit hair.
A horse! It makes my stomach curl,
And yet more shockingly - a girl!!

I would not do it with a horse.
I do not like this tease and sauce.
It gives the truth to our detractors.
First and foremost, We Are Actors!

I would not do it with a cow
A hen, a ewe, or with a sow,
Or any beast, you may be sure,
Whose primary product is manure.
I would not pose for girls to spy on
Not even with a kingly lion.
Not with a leopard, lynx or cheetah.
Not in a five-hundred seater.
I won't go nude, for heaven's sake!
I would not do it with a snake.
(Well, maybe I could stand to frolic
With an asp - that's quite symbollic)

I will not do it, Dan-I-am!
I will not be a page-three man.
You can bear the leers and snickers
And the airborne pairs of knickers.
No beast will get my loins unbound
(Although, a python, tightly wound ...)

No! I tell you, Dan-I am,
I will not be a cheesecake man.

My modesty's not over-zealous
And don't you dare suggest I'm jealous!
Ha! I'd make grown men weak-kneed
Posed bare against a jet-black steed.
I'm lightly toned from top to tail.
(Though when'd you get so buffed and male??)

My virtue gives me no remorse.
I would not do it with a horse.
There's nothing sadder, naught insaner.
(Though can I meet your fitness trainer?)

No, I tell you Dan-I-am
You can be the page-three man.
The pussy's yours - I'll keep my cred.
I'll stake my fame on skill instead.
Unless .............

Unless I posed - all slick and sharp -
Nude behind a screening carp.

Would I, could I, with a fish?
Dan-I-am, you perv! You wish!
I'll leave the soft-porn shots to you
I'm happy with page forty two.