Don't know why, I feel so disconnected. I am confused. I used to think I know what I want, now I am not sure. I mean.... I know what I want but I just.... shit, I don't even know how to verbalize it! I guess I want some very oppsite things, I can get only one of them having given up to the other. This choice tears me apart. I don't know what to do. I mean, I know what I should do but I can't.... I can't force myself do it. Am I really that weak?

I know it sounds obscure to whoever reads it. But it's unclear to me as well. Sometimes it's much easier to have no choice. Because you won't have to blame yourself if things go wrong. Ugh.... damn!!