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met Barbara tonight... talked for hours, spent some peaceful time... didn't make me feel better at all... she was nice to me, listened, said a lot of wise stuff, but i'm unable to feel anything good... too much sadness, the pain destroys every positive emotion... i'm still going down... the worst part is ahead, but don't know when will it hit me... i'm so weak...

i placed my heart into his hands, and he returned it with such ease... 9 months of intense friendship... enormous amount of love without expectations... all thrown away like a used doll... that's what i am now... not needed nor interesting... forgotten... i lost my value.

actually i don’t really know why i’m writing in here... whatever happens to me happens to everybody, so why bother? i’m a suicidal, big deal. millions of people want to kill themselves, some are successful... i’m in love with a guy who doesn’t love me back, so what? i’m heartbroken and dead emotionally… and who isn’t these days? people are born, people die and people dream... it happens everyday... people have dreams and dreams never come true... never, no matter what your parents, teachers or optimistic friends say... what you really want never will be yours, no matter how hard you try to get it... so why even trying? because hope pushes, gives you faith... only to break your heart at the end when everything falls apart... i don't want to feel it ever again... fuck hope, fuck faith, and fuck those stupid dreams...

saw a bolt of lightning last night... it split the sky in two and a deafening crash of thunder followed milliseconds later... i couldn’t help but think about how much it reminded me of my heart... split right open... a gust of wind howled and anything that wasn’t rooted down got a free ride... everything just seemed so chaotic, and i felt more depressed at the lack of order and comfort, even in nature... the smell of the rain brought all the memories back... the way he used to smile at me... his flirty look... all the gentle touches... the warmth of his body... and his voice... i miss it so much... but will never have that back... cuz used dolls are thrown away forever... then the tears came, partnered with huge droplets of water that fell from the sky... and i prayed for the lightening to hit me.