can't sleep again... what a surprise... im like a zombie. need my beauty sleep bastian could make me fall asleep... but that was like 2 years ago. bastian... another "interesting" relationship which wasn't a relationship. my life is all about unreal relationships... secrets... hiding... probably my fault.
by the way, im not depressed and im not suicidal, i just see the world in a bit different way... excuses again... but seriously, life is a game. im just playing. maybe in a wrong way... but well, im not perfect :) at least i don't blame people for my own mistakes. actually, no matter what happens, i blame myself all the time. bad, bad habit... leads to bad, bad actions... but we all have problems. im not the only one with bad, bad habits... yes katya, another good excuse.
u know, usually i don't talk to myself, but after not sleeping for a week, anything can happen. another lie... i admit i slept, on friday, for about 5 hours... but before that, and since then... not really... i think im losing my mind. actually i lost it long time ago... but it still feels like im losing it... that's what alcohol does to my brain, and the drugs, and cigarettes and unhealthy way of living. add to that a screwed up childhood and lack of love and you get a total loser. though i wouldn't call myself a loser. cuz im not. im more like a lost soul trying to find myself, and a place to belong to... that's exactly why i get so easily attached to people who show some interest in me.
what else? i feel like opening up now... because i didn't sleep and when i don't sleep i tend to talk/write a lot of bullshit.
oh, the childhood part... don't want to blame my parents, but... hmmm. now, i can understand why they did what they did, but there are things which i will never forget, and even though i forgave everything, i just cannot erase it and pretend that nothing ever happened. that's what my mother cannot understand. and whenever we have a fight, almost everyday, i, being a selfish bitch, remind her of everything she did to me... and then i hate myself even more!
there is nothing i can say about my father... he doesn't live here... he didn't see me growing up, he wasn't there when i tried to kill myself the first time... only my mom had to deal with that. my father doesn't know me at all. but he loves me, and i love him. my mom loves me even more, but she thinks that i hate her, which causes some damage to me, because i love her more that anyone in this world, she just doesn't believe me...