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5 more days and Tim will leave my life for a long time.. how will i go on without him??

when will this fucking nightmare stop???? why does everything has to be so unbearably hard?? why did i go to russia?? everything would be different if i stayed, if i wouldn't go, if i was there that night, he wouldn't fall out of that motherfucking window.. and he wouldn't leave to the other side of the planet in 5 days... and we would still be together.

it's hard when the heart is opened up to feelings that never existed before.. i can't take it anymore... this pain is tearing me apart.. the uncertainty, lack of control of my own life, dependency, fear... i feel so small.. i lost everything.. i want to go with him, be close, see him.. touch.. feel.. and i can't.. can i just end it all, please? can anyone stop it?? can i please shoot myself??????????

why, tim, why the fuck did you do it? why did no one stop you? where was your dear friend jeff, huh? sniffing up a line off the table? or rolling a joint?

'till everything burns, while everyone screams, burning their lies, burning my dreams, all of this hate and all of this pain, i'll burn it all down, as my anger reigns..