i think it's time for a lil conversation with tim.. lately there's this tension between us that i cannot tolerate.. something changed.. we have to discuss it..
i hate fighting with him.. it destroys me.. i just wish we could discuss it all, without breaking up.. i don't want to give up this relationship..
i mean, we're cool. most of the times im happy. everyone has their shitty moments.. but usually people talk it over.. for some reason we don't.. but we have to.. tonight.
i know he doesn't want to talk about it, which makes it harder for me.. my NeUrOtIc, pArAnOiD thoughts scare the shit out of me.. is he hiding something? did his feelings change? why is he with me? sometimes i feel like im making him stay, forcing him to be with me.. will he be happier withou me?? sometimes i think yes, but then my ego says it's impossible, cuz im so fUcKiNg perfect.. right. screwed up, locked in my illusions, thinking that im actually helping people..
will i be happier without him though? absolutely not. at least i know this.
jeff always said "let him go and if he loves you, he'll come back".. and how many times can i do that, huh? i let him go twice already.. risk a third one and never see him again? love is not a game.. im not holding him, he can go if he wants to.. i'll survive, i guess.
but still, no matter what, i think he loves me, and he doesn't want to leave.. he's just confused, or scared to let anyone in.. maybe he's as screwed as me.. thinking that i'd hurt him at the end.. we have to talk.