You all fucking suck. I hate the world and everyone in it. I cannot trust anyone. I cannot feel anything.

I dunno if Kevin will be able to stop. This time has, so far, been different from all the others. I know that, I understand that. But this is his 4th chance and I honestly don't fucking know if I'll be able to keep it together for long. We are soulmates, I am so deeply in love with him I hate him. I hate him for making me love him so much, and I hate him for loving me the same way. I hate not being able to leave him... I should have the first time he fucked everything up. But I didn't, I couldn't... I believed him and trusted him, yet I didn't. I thought maybe he'd change and get it right, but there was something inside of me that knew.
I have something. A gift. Only for Kevin, only with Kevin... This is one of the ways I know we're soulmates. I can feel when he's sad, and I can sense when he's lying, I can tell when something is wrong. He's never once smiled at me with honest happiness. The joy in his eyes were instead always substituted for distance, for a feeling of sadness. I could see it, I could sense it, I saw all the signs and read him perfectly. Down to the absolute T. Yet I ignored my gut feeling and trusted him. And look at where it got us. And I fucking hate it. And I hate this. I hate the world and how, no matter what, I will never belong here and yet I'll never be able to get out.
This time though, I'm not sure what I feel... I'm scared, yes. But those other times the feeling was different.. more absolute.. I just knew, honestly knew in my heart that something would go wrong. But this time, it's more of I'm afraid something might go wrong. It's not official, it's not a statement. It's a worry that I feel every single minute fucking second. And I don't know what to do. It's like this time God knows that it will be the last time. And instead of all the other times when I've had a head's up, I need to just buckle down and wait and see. Like everything's been leading up to this chance, this last one that I'm giving him before I do pull the plug. Because I know what I can and cannot handle, and with my depression and high anxiety and just an overall low level of trust for anyone other than myself, I probably won't be able to dish out another get-out-of-jail-free card.

But what worries me most.. what keeps popping into my head.. is: what if I'm already at that point?