found this in my folders..... wonder how many random rants i have sitting around the place?..... this is all depressed and philosophical, so dont bother reading...

08/10/03

Here I am, sitting all on my own, and it’s too late to really do anything. I’ve turned all the lights off, letting the full moon and a candle to light my room. Feeling all creative, in a lazy kind of way, and happy. It’s strange, feeling so happy, peaceful and satisfied. I can’t say I am too happy about being so happy, but then again, I wasn’t happy about being unhappy either. This is what I wanted, surely? Or did I really like being all depressed, with people (and myself) feeling sorry for me? I don’t know. I wish I could have all the answers….I am so confused…. Not sure about who I am, or what I am meant to do, or what is right and what isn’t…. and afraid of what will come next, whatever it is. I thought we were meant to learn as we grow up, I feel as if I have gone back, lost some of myself. Although I have probably learned some things too. Got less naïve and more angry. I remember when I was younger, I thought everyone was good, everyone was right, and I have enough love for everyone-it will never run out. Since then, I learned that people can be annoying, and spiteful, and aggressive, and I have not been put here to be patient and kind to everyone. That someone should think of me too. That it is not possible to love everyone, and its ok to be annoyed and angry at people. That I am not as good myself as I always thought. I am egotistical and attention seeking at times-and-there’s nothing wrong with it!! I always knew I wanted to be a nurse- and I still do, but I used to think that was because I was a nice, kind, caring person. That’s a lie. I want to be a nurse, but true reasons for it are dark and not quite so attractive. Being a nurse puts me in control and gives me authority. It stops me feeling useless and makes me feel like I am doing something good, something that makes everyone automatically love me. Having never been accepted fully in any social group, I have gone into nursing thinking that maybe I will be accepted there, maybe not for what I am but for what people perceive me to be-which is wrong. I think I just realised that. What am I doing??