not quite sure what is going on with me once again. all i know is that i will come out of this situation either more bruised and broken, and more cynical, or dead.... not sure i can take any more inflicting pain on human race. (yes, i know, people hurt themselves, but....... it just doesnt feel that way, and nothing you say will make it right)....

spending a lot of time in my head, trying to sort out all the rubbish in there. unfortunately, brains cant be spring cleaned, so it remains cluttered and confused. something deliberately stops me from thinking things i really should think about. im thinking some sort of a protective system....

now, about ALL THAT..... i dont know what to say. every time i try to explain myself, i have to suppress the urge to scream that i didnt mean to hurt anyone, i didnt want to be a nuisance to anyone, didnt want anyone losing sleep over me...... and then run and run and run.... and then find a dark corner to curl up in, and cry........but i dont, little brave me, i try to resolve the situation, handle it on my own, protect everyone from everything, not let anyone get hurt...... and i fail every time.

some last dose of adrenaline, or maybe oestrogen, keeps me going for now, not giving me a chance to look back. how long is it going to last?

not heard from chris in a long time, and starting to get worried. what if i was too late? although im sure if i was i would get dismembered by his mother before i knew it. but what if?........ scared of calling him, in case i ruin it. there just isnt a way of knowing if he's ok, and i wish there was, just so i knew i have undone the pain i caused. just so i know someone i care about isnt suffering. why do i care? he still doesnt give a damn about what he did to me. to him, it was all a mistake, and he thinks he can correct it with an "im sorry, i didnt think", or "sorry, i didnt mean it". why do people do things they dont mean? magic feels like a big big creature sucking on your brain like a giant strawberry flavoured lollipop. still, it felt resolved, good. would this power want to mislead me? no way of knowing........