this was such a long time ago, it's hard to believe it ever happened at all. i was about 10 probably, maybe 11. Shortly after i found some interesting literature at the back of the bookshelf, obviously hidden from me. i read with amazement and desire those fairly simple and innocent(by my present standards) literary wonders about love between men and women, and HOW TO DO IT..... my life has never been the same since. every moment was occcupied by dreams about a prince on a white horse, being oh so terribly nice and good-looking, then marrying me(NOOOOO sex before marriage!!!) and doing nice things to me straight after, just like in the books. When i am 20, i though, ill be married, or at least engaged, with a baby by the time i was 22, and a perfect housewife. oh, and id work as a teacher. id stop being an ugly awkward kid who boys dont even talk to, and girls only tease....


how ver, VERY naive..... so, i am coming up 22, still unmarried and unengaged, lost any faith in church, girlie friends and *no sex before marriage, and not particularly regretting either. Not a virgin, not *together forever*, hurt and bitter. now, i NEVER EVER thought id end up here. licking blood off my arms once in a few weeks. not fit to be a nurse. knowing several reliable ways to commit suicide. surrounded by blokes who want me, for body and more.... tried and tested stuff from most daring lady novels, and beyond. i did, however, find my little other half, and im happy, despite having to kiss a fair amount of frogs to get there.

i used to be optimistic, sickly cheerful, shy, and incredibly smart. i liked to dress in blue and green. Now, i am throughly pessimistic,. diagnosed with depression, not so smart, and not at all shy. i dress mostly in black, and like it. black doesnt make a statement. and people tend to give you a little more space if youre dressed in black. i dont like to look to approacheable

i used to have morals. sex before marriage was one. not liking people-i know i was a delusional teenager, but i though it was wrong. never lying to your parents..... but i dont want my parents to have heart attacks!! oh, another one-no alcohol, or drugs. I managed to stay off drugs, but like a drink or two. or more....


oh, a funny one.... i thought rock music was chaotic, stupid noise. now live by it, it's somethingthat is often the only thing keeping me alive. i can relate to it. i am in love with noise....