i had a somewhat weird couple of days....

been realy tearful-for no apparent reason. well, apart from being totally useless and a not-quite-sure what.

so one of times, i called chris. not sure why. didnt want to bother others, just seemed like a day when everyone has something better to do than comfort me. was surprisingly good. its amazing, the difference. he doesnt tell me what to do. he knows just going out and havign fun wont do the job. he knows i have to do it all myself. hes been through it. funny how he talk about medication like a couple of old angina patients...

anyway, he seems better. seeing Bekki. shes a nice girl actually. hope shes nice to him. im happy for him, but somewhere, very, very, very deep, a bit jealous. not mine anymore. i do miss him. miss the good times so much, makes me cry. certain moments are stuck in my head, every detail, and wont go away. never thought things would go so wrong. but, anyway, that was the past. im still here. still breathing. have a person in my life who i love to bits and wont ever give up. new life. maybe even something to look forward to in the end. but my past is there, and will never go away. its easy to say, like it for what it was. but im sad because its gone. sad to think im not what i used to be. not sure what i think about the new me yet. time will show.

i found the best way to deal with this sort of mood though... well, A way. lock myself in a room, with no lights on, apart from some fairy lights and candles. put some gothic music on. lie on the bed and cry like a girl for a few hours.


ill just sit here and wait till the world around me gets back into some sort of order and starts to make sense.. until then, i refuse to do anything.

i should go learn some magick. maybe then it will start making some sort of a sense