GoAcur and gather the material goods that I need and use. To be the anchor in earth in which I live and decorate my home...And give away  oooh pray to be blessed with the fruits of the spirit.... my eyeslave of star and sun shines bright Moon and clouds as I yearn for salvation and God's mystical mansion... Better  sail in the sky as I reach the heavens in The boat of Inanna. Destination... For the beatitudes a verse prose or poem of proverbs..And King David's Psalms. I begin my own version .. Of another book.... that wasn't written in The Holy Bible almost...All of them .. The costly words. Makes a wise millionaire happy and then theres me to trying to maintain the golden means...And.virtues that I like.and lack... Justice and scales weighing on me and My sentences... The priesthoods of Buddha and the Israelites religions are black and White ... Oh to assume the chord of the twin fish as they twist and fight polar desires... Something I read and haven't much thought about....Soon the dualism of mental illness and alcoholism's dulls the progress of a Good life....O to obtain sobriety desire wants and needs of recovery to me when I'm alone  I don't understand  only the good and evil of God and bad... Devils demons angels magicians and card hands. who can perform a cheating bet on a old west poker night..table. A missing ace  ... The other countries citizens. glass... I guess sobor... for a brief minute that last a while... Then forgive mostly myself Because that's The way god should handle peoples sins.. even if I'm a hypocrite... otherwise I tried the piddliest problem... Deep down and pours out like a libation... I drank and do in remembrance something I wasn't taught... Do like the priests because I'm not qualified.... Alcohol mental illness cigarettes. Smoke and ...It's ok today Jesus by Cindy YoungPg 2.
In the halls and rooms some was included and others intruded.. God are you in there?! I opened the door to leave the bread... the light was on... So... I went shopping again...And went to sit down so they passed The basket around... I didn't pay attention.... never called upon to speak... Like a second grader raised My hand to interrupt... I doubt AA knew Me  I had something too say... free coffee and cakes but every one watches to see if u donate a dollar or two Maybe more... Last call for alcohol... I never felt so out of place somewhere where every one belongs A's Bill sees it.... but mght be mistaken.. Because of mental ilness every one is right and I am wrong... what are the the turkeys thinking?! Doesn't make a bit of difference difference AA isnot supposed supposed to own The building... But i. Guess thats why I don't stay sobor...
Leaves trembled and fell.. in spring from the pouring rain... It's ok... God are you in there?! I brought the booze so I can drink... and say thanks!!! Thats My bad attitude.. I am not going too make everything the end or horrible negative... Its my pleasure to meet with them turkeys anyways... I am thankful today...Pg 3.
Under the guise I posed still like a mannequine
Stood staring at my face drinking the beast of burden.... and to see what I recognize...
I t was summer and I had My child... Husband home and job...
I was under the influence
That... the world was had hidden meanings....
Even a small recurring small Rabbit and butterflys

I thought dying my hair black id become a witch because of dreams of power that penetrated and spoke...

The rain in a forrest on a mountain foggy night just got off work I was me staring at me a out of body experience...

And had a tarot reading
Although Tim The dish washing man led me to Christ

Or brought god back when I was later in a dark hospital bed...
Numbers like 17... 75... And waitress reciepts I tried to memorize...
Liscense plates ...
Drinking and felt like I smoked bowls full of love boat...

And.. Neglect Cierra ... My daghter and My husband and her was a family...
He loved her...

Theres so many more things... The green and white box of the cigars moores...
And Walt Gordon Millard Thompson
Tina.. Waitress and bosses
A world a time to IDK mourn

Sooo the beer and the
Mirror I look Ed for hours years in tha t moment
Because I didn't know me...
Black birds was a omen... Voices in My head god
The first word...
And what I'm forgetting
Lights and Mark was Jesus
Sooo
I don't like you seeing me like this
I look in the mirror stare too see if I can remember sanity
I look in the mirror off guarde and I see how crazy I can't describe...
I look in the mirror drunk to see if I compare and am beautiful enough... If t all matters those memories all of them I never have forgot by Cindy YoungPg 4.
I close my eyes to rest..

In my bedroom is pills for vitamins
Two pots of coffee a day nearly
Doesn't keep me awake....And the Drs can't find anything wrong with me

Makes me feel like a liar about my mental illness too...
To do the best I can do

Your not around me enough to know...
I kinda like being alone
Any more
Because when I'm in a Good mood... I feel ok
Panick attacks of the future
Day by day
I don't Think no further

Journal and keep a routine again
I make it most when I can
Of the time on my own
Pg 5.

Voices
It's never quiet
Even in silence
I oftentimes wish I was deaf
But then I'd still hear them
I guess it's like a guide
Some.times right
Usually above a whisper
Like two people telling me what to do
Talking from the walls inside. my head just about as thick as a inch away from me...
Sometimes gets me upsrt but its mostly what I don't expect
And then I know
What they met
Mostly a man
.... Thought sometimes
Its the thought you have
Sometimes when you sleep I hear them when you breath
If I'm near anyone
Sometimes I hear them too beforehand I go too dream
You say I'm depressed
But I'd like. You to know that
Its real..
Dang could be the phone
Could be a spy
Couldn't be the movie a beautiful mind...
That's how it feels
Or when I'm like this a wasted life
Noone tried
Just got too be. better and hope I'm like Vincent van Gogh
.... just to be ok
Sometimes I think...
I know

Whose yellow shirt
You wore.
Two trick s you played
Or a vision foretold...
Why.
It happens all the time...
Just can't discern
God. I love you...
I did all I can
Amen Cindy Bottenfield
Not a freakshow...
Even when there muffled
Or not there
For some reason
If I'm having a conversation
I still
I act differant
Accustomed to
Sometimes I
I love my mental illness
Sometimes I say alot shut up
But now I like to hear them...
Hours alone.. But I'm not...
When I Think I'm living right
The voices I hear are kind
And then I know
I'm doing
Alright..d.Sometimes makes
Me afraid of what you have to fsee fsay
My voices discuss me
To fyou dont care about that at all... I wonder who they are by Cindy YoungPg 6.
Depression
Sad... Everything
It's a little easier and familiar
Now to cope with alcohol and mental illness
I am aware I have to try to be realistic
And honest as I can
Even if I like to escape
Going crazy
Isnt a nice place
And if I told anyone
My opinions
I feel kinda dumb to hear them
Comment on The same ones
But it's ok... I really never listen to anyone that
Talks the same problems
I wonder why and don't know what topic to say hi
.... Depression
If I'm overmedicated it gets worse
But I need to take the pills
That will work
Frozen escape too much sleep I sink farther away
Fight to make it go away
Hurt's my chest and causes my whole body to ache
Its a black place
Feelings voices anxiety depression it's ok
Sleep and bad dreams
Makes my day
A hard way to begin
Being negative
Got to change my thoughts captivate
Them to make it go away
Sometimes
Its really ok
Others are not me
And my awards in heaven
If I make it...
I never asked you to carry them....
Nor did you say what can I do to make it go away
People don't Think the way I do
I say have a good day you could say you too...
Its ok thank you Jesus...
Amen by Cindy YoungPg 7.
Anxiety...
Self-medicate...
Symptoms.. alcohol...
But I dont want that either
The rage of feelings that comes with the drinking.. People you think got to deal with your own feelings thought and life...
Then what other people Think...
That's all just say sorry and thanks after whats left...
Idk... Could not help... alone with god... My friend
Deep inside it doesnt know where to go..
So it grows
Feels like a panick attack that doesn't let go
You think it's some other reason
Why its your fault...
You worked thrue everything so you Think...
If you knew how to let it go...
Anxiety happens for no reason
May be I'm not so sure
It makes you pace it makes you tired of fighting it The only way I know is don't say a word
Quiet...
Turn on the radio.. turn it off
Turn on the tv..Turn it off...
Turn on a fan air conditioner...
Cant ... Excersize sleep and eat to feed the disease...
Too much addiction like cigerrtes alcohol caffeine..  I think makes it worse...
But you cant do anything when you are by yourself...
To replace the things you enjoy...
If you could .. Anxiety is awful... Amen.. for me thats my opinion. You can't walk away.. breath heavily in out and other people tell you to stop....by Cindy YoungPg 8.
Fear
I get scared
Of the unknown...
Surrender my self
I'll
If I stand and dont run
I am for real
I guess I know fear
Over the years I try not to elaborate to much by digging up the past
Hide mostly... In the safety of my house...
I noticed I t hasnt thundered or lightning much that I know of
I was
Afraid of storms
Help each other is the best thing to do...
I Think PTSD is fear...
Scars that don't heal
Trauma
Mostly afraid of God
I don't know don't understand
I dont know...
Today I'm not
Passing on the streets the same routine... Mostly when you reach a spot
The cops drive by
Don't know why
Maybe they want me in jail
Maybe...
They keep in line
But if I was in jail I use to believe
My fears of not being saved
Something
Paranoia too then I'd pay and maybe earn My way to heaven
Don't really give a damn about jail... Unless I go there
It would calm me down
Can't think of any laws I broke...
Just sins
Every one has some
Reassurance... That's all I want. To meet Jesus
Just for a second
If he lets me stay
There I'd be ok
Probly be close to hysteria from the hurt I feel like I m the one who should forgive God and him...
So much to think about when u think u have enough on your plate... Its ok I m not the blame...
Oh if its ok I'm still scared
Afraid to be alone afraid god will come get everyone
Ill be here
Or in hell
Sometimes drink...
Noone cared that much to carry. carry that burden... I'm sad.
It chokes me up.. everything and even the rest of it.. Dad.. friend a guy I like tumours cancer annorism...
I am tired... I can write... Normal... Thank you Amen... By Cindy YoungPg 9.
June 4 Sunday
Today as the sun shined bright I thanked my lucky stars last night I didnt drink
All thru the night I cleaned my home and prepared for the following week lightening candels burning inscense and sweeped its a good day as I prayed in my journal The TV off and the radio too sometimes heard voices  from skitzophrenia that bothered me but has no power if I bow down and put my trust in Jesus.. and a routine... Calendars ... text to family and friends.. every thing to get accomplished in the end... Amen but I try to remember shower eat sleep and just be kind to everyone... I begin a Journey to stay oraganized and disciplined something I already had the tools to put in use and I hate the next day after I drink Because I cant do anything then I hate when my medicine isn't working or outer forces blows and changes every thing I try hard to keep the same... By Cindy YoungPg 10.

Because I love you it will be alright learning and believing I am saved sometimes that part of me lost faith when God doesn't seem real from experience s that I quit believing add up more than the brief moments I am comforted and fear of everything in the world to get by without dieing from being old... And remembered the things that made me feel bad others could help lift the load by helping and if they're are wrong too.. I love you God and Jesus some days are Good it's ok to be forgiven. I m not sure.. if its correct my words feelings and opinions are always changing.. you have yours I have mine... On the way to believing.. I love you Mom And Dad... I am ok look back look forward and today in My small world of living mostly alone. I still think that... Sisters daughters sons .. I don't know how come Amen  by Cindy YoungPg 11.
June 8th 2017
... It's been a long time I am able to realize to take deep breaths...One step at a time ...
Let go and usually God's in control.. I never blamed Satan... Or sometimes I just say why no one says what they'think or know sometimes they hide most of the precious stones.. reading wiki or start by Google life experience... The key to knowledge.. That was what's real too me facts of history and religion... I try to learn ... Something for protection...
I tried.. Not to much... Because I get scared... Of voices thats not there and real... I don't know sometimes it's like The first Time...And symptoms.. I am strong... How would you like to rise in The morning and smell chicken.. I'm not sure My five senses... It's ok... I sometimes want too close My eyes... My worries of mental illness and alcoholisms.. Maybe it's ok...Amen.. I tried... Its really most of the time positive... How is things why I think I'm not saved it's got so hard to worry god day and night I left him... I want to believe I can make it to heaven... The best thing about My life that s Why i was born I got to know.. earth the world and hell and heaven.. I m not a atheist.. I thank My Mom for that.. Sending me too Sunday school... She did what She could I guess.. Amen I'm trying I just sometimes want it to end... And all I need  some times torment.. I don't know did I grieve the spirit by my unfaithful petitions...And being saved asking John 3:16 I tried.. but I like to Just be in the word I don't like reality I don't like changing I don't like my illness sometimes when I feel like its all over the world I guess not sure and I Think of other things to think about trash toilets and sins...Of every one... white as snow.. I love you Jesus idk by Cindy YoungPg 12.
June 16 2017

What surrounds me choosing to be sobor and healthy is my choice...every direction is my destination love mostly my fellow mates
Know now I do what it takes
Drawing strength from "no worries" releases the tension from the conversation...
Even in rain and thunder is a blessing for the flowers and grass to grow. .
Alone is good as well all people on my journey helps..not to close but a positive note...
I will do ok..
By saying hi ..and chow...
And thinking how beautiful we are all..
Living in the clouds I am allowed...
Armour of the knights to believe we are all god made and bounderies y can blame me I say sorry enough for everyone..
Just dont get close
Im ok.. I dont know in the end
I will remember it as life I liked what god did
And mental health I believe we were chosen so I like to say amen by : Cindy YoungPg. 13
June 17 Saturday
Usually its good for me to leave if I am not welcome
Not belonging by listening to tone of voice eye contact and conversations
To know I am ok with the world around me know one knows my thoughts and my heart
Just what gets passed around by gossip... If anyone cared enough to talk about that but I doubt it
Myswell say I am dead
But bridges and chatter I can mostly control my conduct
That is what I am accountable for... Voices not knowing how to relate they say things that I dont relate to even real people do too just say oh well and I try to make wise choices without much help... I do ok.. Amen...because I know now I wasnt much liked or wanted to be around...
By Cindy YoungPg 14.
Sunday June 18
If I am dillagent I wont miss important events..
Watching for the Lord's return or the change in the weather.
I can't control the snow...
I can make a differance when I know how to dress for the occasion... Dont wear shoes that are uncomfortable if I got plans
I put my trust in Jesus..
And I'll watch the traffic lights dont put myself in harms ways
Taking chance s on a scratch off lottery ticket ....I prayed for I bless the trees ground fruit.. Sky children young old that others take in vain god dammning everything...
I want to change...
Im sorry Jesus for the things I made... Good and bad
I love you Jesus why ...
I live if I'm caught unaware from drinking or going out of my mind...
I look responsible for Me. Actions... If I wake up from a night drinking
Im not sure if its jails hospitals homeless shelters or the streets its bad enough I f I died....or some one else...
I can try to control my thoughts voice out bursts... Dear God . I love you Jesus...
Amen....
Thats what I hope to strive for gentleness and caution...
Peace..meek...amen by cindy youngPg 15.
June 22 2017
To Me love means differant things you can be far away and still give love a chance
Who I can love
Unconditionally...
Future and the past
My family loves me..
Or they are too busy
Jobs....
School....
To tired to come over anymore
I cant speak for them as long as they are alright
How they feel
Whose left
In my life
I miss
Family Tree
Its just easier to ignore and hope one day before its to late they come back to me
I am grateful for God
For the miracle of everything fits like a puzzle piece
How it belongs
So many things I am grateful for
Life that means what is living
And chances
To be born free again...
Sobor...medicine.
Im nice kind and friendly most of the time I like to stay busy
Im not lucky to enjoy things with people im close too
Love in my heart
The few moments of fleeting memories
I hold most...
Amen
Dear God I pray when I can
For you and me
And hope the road we travel one day we will meet again...
If I can stay alive healthy sobor and wait..
For a reunion...my son & daughters...family
Amen..I mostly feel lost
And I get up and keep bravely going on..Amen
By cindy young

Pg 16.
June 28th 2017
The medicine they give to me helps.
If I remember to take it daily and dont mix other drugs and alcohol
The counselors and doctors knows sometimes what they are doing
Its better not to complain about anything
Today If I take medicine for depression anxiety voices and pray daily the rosary
I sometimes feel its something differant
Autism adhd behavior problems PTSD...
To continue on the journey of life...dealing with reality
Alcohol is legal however it keeps me in bondage
My sins from indulgance
It should be regulated like with a food stamp card...
Similiar to how many you are allowed
Keep trying...sometimes in the mist of it all I needed help
The case managers and everyone I reach out to is over worked
Sooo... I believe we would all be ok with a personnal assistant
Or some one to talk too
Like a virtual text line
With a operator
Too help you decide good times and bad...
Why???
I take my medicine I try the best I can...
I love you Jesus so much
I love you God Amen
By Cindy Young
Pg 17.
July 9th
2017
I like to hear the sounds of birds early in the morning

worshipping
Praising god every sound I am allowed
Thank you Jesus
Listening to animal sounds and silence I'm blessed
Thank You
Words words words bad and good some I hear could come from heaven
When all the voices are
Another realm...sometimes I think there here with me
To talk about whats apart of me...
It doesnt matter
The birds can talk freely
Today is Sunday
The grounds and sanctuary of the 12 desciples
I wonder if everyone hears it to
They are days I am entertained
By the years im not use to them still
But I try not to feel fear
When there bad its scarey
One day when I look
However it will be on course...
Scarey from the voices scarey because they tell me what could be said..what others opinions are hard to describel.but really they couldnt be talking every second
Of time
Try to accept something im pleased with
Listening to dual sounds
Voices
The tvs on
I am ok
Its not nothing that is ever good enough
Its humiliating
The Right Bird
Then listening to conversations I am not comfortable its too hard today still
Amen
By Cindy Young
Like for instance
Gods only begotten son
And just tired of the symptoms I have..
Try to change my problems
Why most people
To o sometimes I know God s love... I love God
Sometimes I determined he wanted to destroy Satan soo people fight in wars islam beheading christians angels demons and people fighting to ....what someone thinks and feels I believe I t says u cant be evil giving good gifts...
I think God like David killing goliath... He needs all the christians fighting principalities of powers. I dont know anymore...by cindy young amen...but i believe

Pg 18.
July 6th 2017
The way for me to be happy my opinion
Values. Morals beliefs
When I'm sobor and thinking clear
Not a day of ambush
People upset ....
How I feel
Its not a game
To continue to live in a place I am ashamed for
Fucking over the neighbors and
My own household...learning how to speak I can only worry about myself confronting
It...letting go feeling peace most people isnt as honest
Id lie to
When someone lies about me to my face
Even with skitzophrenia I am not that way
I know whats going on day by day
And people...
Playing revenge...
Destroys lives
Some dont ever make ammends
Because they wasnt really your friends
If they was worth it
Just drink when ever
The day begins
English
Spainish
I usually have no problem communicating
My problems
Or just chit chat
Conversations human language
Is hard to master
Lies
Cheating stealing
And feelings
Whats proper
So some a eye for a eye
I am ok today...
Sometimes quiet and the guidance of new words in my vocabulary from the voices I
Hear in my head and the voices
From living beings
Im scared of 98.5 percent
A differant tone a pitch
Vindicitove
When there not speaking to me
I hear voices
Clearly
Language is hard
To interupt
U might think
There saying something
And everyone is talking about u but dont tell u to
What there laughing about
Some conversations is innocent
And pure
Just dont want to care
Amen by Cindy Young
Im sorry...
My lifes been a struggle
Its my opinion
Whats allowed

Pg 19.
July 5th 2017
When people come to visit a few times for cigerrettes  or to drink a beer when they come for reasons I dont know if there here at my home...the next day when I'm ALONE
I think about enough
I got to try again
Like that song says
30 days in the hole....
You dont care do you

Somethings wrong with my fish today
I hope hes ok
Too much drinking I surrender everything to zen
I dont want to be the perfect drunk
If you want to suggest medications that are addicting narcotics because they make them some can and are allowed...
Noone wants lexapro busphar abilify they just dont have the affect of what the public and society yearns for...
If I had scripts or didnt...alcohol i can hide... Marijauna and pills meth...
Its nothing but shit
.........
But I dont try to be a drug dealer for my reasons
Or supplying the city neighborhood
I dont want to see you anymore
I dont want you to see me anymore
I dont compare to the morphine addict
I dont know what I compare to
Maybe
Just a fix
A cople years ago I liked seeing you drinking a quart
Before others intruded
I thought it was you and me here on planet earth I could believe
Anything
Love
Now it's just a mess
Me fighting to win
Me and
My fish named tears
This life made me really unhappy
To be or not
Its ok...
I like some distance
So I can respect myself again
I didnt mean
This I just want to be all I can
Amen...
Others others others....
By Cindy Young
I didnt want to be jealous drunk or sobor
I dont want a man I dont want to see pretty women I admired
So it makes me sick I despice
Them ...
I didnt mean to be a whore I didnt mean to compare myself
To the things you adore and you abhor me...
Amen god please forgive me
So NOTHING...just alittle depressed...

Pg. 20.
July  16th 2017
I cope with dual diagnosis by walking on my tredmill and sit ups.
Not to sure I didn't plan on a relapse
I draw pictures to relax but get nervous when I hear voices but I know there symptoms
It s hard to keep failing
My intention is to quit
I haven't tried hard enough...
I let myself down by doing this stuff...
When I'm drinking My mental illness is bad too
Sometimes when I'm sobor
Its a hard time...
I can't see progress
I couldn't see change
Relationship s didn't improve
I'm the reason why I'm alone
Keep on saying can you come visit me keep on texting and calling...
I don't know Why I can't get to the point where I can say I'm alright alone...
So many descicions...
But no help too calm this raging storm... I let you down
The only time you respond if I'm
Trying so hard to be the best
Thenunever loved me anyway...
Neglect amen I didn't mean to loose control by the Alcohol I inherited by Cindy Young
And I'm sobor I don't know what to say because in alot of peoples eyes

Mental illness is jibberish if you did something wrong... My questions looking at me "how could you" steal lie cheat spit on some one with My problems... Amenman...