Zaporozhian Kozaks reply an eMail to Putin (2014)

 

O vile Defender of ‘Holy Russia’,
Thou Putin, most magnanimous mouse,
Before annoying peaceful neighbors,
Clean up the crap in your own house!

Your Moskva clansmen lurked in swamps
And worshiped stumps of trees,
Your forefathers groveled, crawled and kissed
The muddy boots of Khans with obedient ease.

The joke of Europe was the fable: your “Third Rome”…
And now “New Russia”?? Hey, what’s the matter,
Can’t keep your stories straight? (New drugs
Can help you stop hallucinating blather.)

The “Russian Empire” is just a wet dream,
All Lenin idols are crumbling down,
You’ll never get into Empress Catherine’s pants,
Thou withered, puny, inbred clown!

We SMSed the Prince of Darkness
For your accommodations – a heated room…
He said post-Perestroika Hell’s become quite civil,
But mangy worms like you and Patriarch Kirill
would cast a foul, repugnant gloom.

‘Old Nick’ won’t take you,
Even Beelzebub’s got some class…
Your Gazprom threats are useless,
Hell doesn’t give a damn about your gas!

The Evil One won’t even consider
The Super Bowl Ring you (like a street punk) stole,
But there are far more weighty sins
That suffocate your damned soul.

First off, you thief, return the glorious name
Of ‘Rus’ – Ukrainians’ pride and joy,
While Kyiv was the shining crown of Europe,
Moskva was only learning how to plunder and destroy.

Your Russia killed Ukrainians by the millions,
The Tsars, Emperors, Komissars, all hand-in-hand.
So tell Medvedev to wipe his filthy shoes
On Moscow’s doorstep, not in our cultured, Western land.

Maidan will shine for long hereafter,
Once you, your crooked mafia are long gone.
Democracy in Kyiv will flower – while Moscow
Will still be sighing for their ‘Empire’ and their Khan.

You leveled Grozny into dust,
You’ve turned the Chechens friends for life,
Some day they will return the favor,
We hear them sharpening the knife.

Politkovskaya wrote your profile portrait,
We tried to post it on FaceBook,
We tried to get the world to ‘Friend’ you,
Our Moderator said you’re a pathetic crook…

You squawked worse than a crow on YouTube
An out-of-tune rendition of “Blueberry Hill”,
Did your ‘green men’ tune the piano?…
What the hell is next, the “Barber of Seville”?

None too soon your term will end,
Your fellow Russians’ll boot you out the door,
Here’s a few jobs reserved for you -
If not, we can always find some more:

In Kyiv, you could scrub, wipe down
Yanukovych’s golden toilet bowls,
Imagine how high Kiselev will jump
At the spike in your approval polls!

Or maybe slicing ‘salo’ in a bar
Would fit your butcher qualifications?
(Perhaps you’ll lose your itch to carve
Vast regions from your neighbor nations…)

You’d better wait before applying
In Chechnya for that swineherd job!
We know it sounds appealing,
But they just might mistake you for the hog.

In Georgia, you can bottle pomegranates
And douse their sewers down with bleach,
In our Crimea, you can start collecting
The trash and bottles on the beach.

BTW, our Donbas miners send their love;
They always leave Crimea sparkling clean!
Don’t build casinos in Sevastopol;
Just play Russian Roulette with your carbine.

So LOL,
Thou Gottverdammte* KGB Drecksau*,
Thou limp-dicked Schlappschwanz*,
Go crawl back to your own Moscow.

Go stroke and fondle your judo boy-toys,
Go nibble your fish and veggie diet,
You ain’t no macho,
You’re scared to death of a little Pussy Riot!

Go shave your chest and kiss your horse,
Thou hairless, rat-faced loner -
The last Sultan we wrote at least
Liked women, and could pop a boner.

Our keyboard’s dim, our batteries are low,
The moon’s up high,
Time to break up our Kozaks meeting,
This date’s the same for you and I…
So here’s our final greeting:

‘Leck mich am Arsch’ *
And if that seems too harsh,
Well, here’s a send-off you can’t miss:
All our Ukrainian a-holes you may unisonly kiss!

     signed by:
Kyiv, Kharkiv, Luhansk, Crimea,
Odessa, Lviv, Donetsk, ‘NovoRossiya’ :-))
etc etc etc etc…..

- translated by Adrian Bryttan