People sometimes laugh when they hear the phrase "i don't trust anyone" . At least they smile and think, oh yes, poor stupid you, everyone is soooo mean to you, of course. Foolish child. You don't understand anything in this life. Wait til you grow up, and we'll see if you really do trust no one. They do not ever think that these words can be real. Or mean something. Something important.
Whatever. I don't care. And today I can tell you. I don't trust people.
And I can easily explain to you, why. Right now, sweetie pie.

I don't remember my family being ever complete. There was always one missing. Guess who? Right, my father, no wonder. I still remember this freaking weird feeling - when you are fucking afraid of your own father. Despite the fact that he'd never beaten us or something. I just remember a day when I'd screamed out loud that I wanted to die. For the first time in my life. When he appeared in front of me, my heart was always beating too hard and loud. Notice one thing, it was not like you are glad. It was like you are terrified. Sometimes I even wished that he would just disappear forever, so I would never feel this fear again. But.. But you know, I missed him.

I loved him, and I love him still. And what is the most important, I strongly believed also that he loved me and my bro, too. When he was drunk he always came to me, he gave me hugs and was talking, talking, talking. He told me how much he loved us. That he was ready to give up his life for us, he would kill anyone who offended us, and so on.
I wanted to start crying at moments. It sounded like he was really sorry, like he just wasnt able to control himself. And I believed in his words. Especially "From this day, honey, I will quit drinking, our Mom will forgive me and everything, you hear me, everything is gonna be not just alright. Everything is gonna be brilliant. I promise you"

Oh this loud "I promise you"! He've promised to me so much already. And none of his promises were brought to the life. NONE.
At the very same moment when I was crying and worrying about him, he didn't even think of us. He was never there for us when we needed him. When Grandpa, my dear grandpa was dying, father was drinking somewhere. Didn't he know? He DID know. Did he care? I don't think so.

Everything ended up one evening.
Grandma's mom was badly sick, father disappeared, as usual. I decided to go with grandma and to try to find him.
Yes, we found him. fucking with this whore. For the not first and not last time, as I understand.
And when I asked him to go home, he looked into my eyes and said no.
that was the end.

Mother was always saying to me, that dad didnt care about us at all. I though she was just mad at him. She just hated him, and thats why she told me such things.
But now I really understand that she was right. Alcohol&whores are much more important.

I'm not your little girl anymore, pa.

I've just lost all my hope and all my trust. Nothing's gonna change and you know it for sure, don't you?
You never loved us, just say it. Stop lying finally.
I just wanted to say to that I love you anyway, but I will never believe to you again.
And thank you for making me strong.


I just want to ask you, people. I don't even say anything about friends, lovers, etc.
How can you trust after betrayal of the one of the closest persons in your life?
Of your FATHER?
I'm not the only one like that, I know. Those who unfortunatly understand me. CAN YOU really?

I mean everyone without exclusions can give you this knife right into your back.
I mean this.
everyone.
every single person.

so just be careful with people.
fin.