last few months it feels like my memory is being slowly erased. i can remember the feelings i had, but i can't remember how they felt. my mind is like a room lightened by a pale halogene lamp - i can see things, but they all look the same, lifeless. mere facts, no personal attitude. i can see the scars though i can't remember the cuts. but that room is surprisingly more like home than anything else i ever experienced. the pale light has taken away the pain, and it has not taken away the happiness for they are not opposites. happiness is just the absence of pain. you can be happy without suffering. in fact, living without suffering is happiness, the buddhist guys are damn right here.