First, you are open, loving, innocent, defenceless and believing.
Then you undergo something rotten, hidden, betraying, refusing...Time passes. You cognize it, come to understanding. But it is too late...You hate yourself for incapability to change things, for being so naive... You lose the trust, you are afraid... Still you can love. Understanding impossibility to be accepted, you start getting accustomed to pain. Realising that embraces are impossible, you accept pain as the only wayout for feelings. Better to feel pain outside, than to suffer it inside of your chest. First you do it yourself, carefully and prudently, listening to yourself...
Years pass in loneliness, you have already accustomed to the perverted reality. But they say you can at least be happy, they offer love... They offer kisses, embraces, tea and warm house.
Well, ok. You take it. And you suddenly realize that you need pain. In bed, in love, in life.
Destruction makes feel satisfied. Being well you still search for new reasons to burn. You destroy the most important things, leave house, you read books and the reason is that you need pain. You have once accepted it as the way to happiness. Your own happiness...
But there is a thin borderline between expected kink doze of vivifying pain and unexpected real strokes of life. That is thin line between game and real destruction...
In bed, the same. There is difference if you would be suffocated to increase your pleasure and real suffocation to death. To put it mildly, the second is not what you really want....
Moreover, you still remember the world from the eyes of a child, you still believe those whom you love, you adore them and you never want them leave you or betray you. Autumn with cookies and warm smiles of the nearest people is perfect and appreciable.

Pain is just the spice for you to enjoy the life. Not more. It's important to remind yourself about it before taking unsafe hasty decisions...
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Now you see, I love destruction. Go on and punish me.
©

13/09/15