Customer #1: I don't care what your little ruler says, I've been a 7 since I graduated out of high school.
Al Bundy: These are sevens. The box says nine because well lady, you're a nine. Now I can accept that. Why can't you?
Customer #1: You're very fresh.
Al Bundy: I'm sorry ma'am, but that's impossible. For the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your feet into a shoe. When I've should've eased them into the box. So you see I'm anything but fresh. And by the way you might want to tell John Henry over there to give those $100 pumps a rest.
Customer #1: But your ad said "courteous service".
Al Bundy: But that isn't my ad. That's the former owners. He was killed tragically on this very spot when a size nine blow up in his face.
Customer #1: Come on Arnold. We're leaving.
Arnold: I want a balloon.
Al Bundy: You've already got one.

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Al: Let me tell you something. No woman tells Al Bundy what to do.
Woman: Hey you. Get my shoes.
Al: Yes, Ma'am.

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Marcy: I feel sports glorify violence and competition, and I don't think it's psychologically healthy. When we have a child, we don't want it to grow up with that winning-is-the-only-thing attitude. A child is better off not being exposed to sports.
Al: You gonna neuter him too?

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Al: You know another thing that uh, you know another thing that makes women such a blessing to us?
[sits on the couch next to Steve]
Al: It's like when you're sitting somewhere and they come over and say to ya, "What are you thinking?" and you start thinking, "Y'know, if I wanted you to know I'd be talking."
[Al laughs]
Al: But you can't actually say that to 'em or else they'll kill you. And they're allowed to, see it's that whole period, P.M.S. thing, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I think that P.M.S. stands for "Pummels Men's Scrotums." Does your wife buy you juice, Steve?