I have to stop. I have to stop berating myself for not feeling things I don't feel. As time goes I understand more and more clearly that for everyone's sake including my own I should alienate myself from other people. I shouldn't have any ties to anyone. I have to be alone. I need it. I have to stop pretending when I'm with other people. Stop being nice to people I don't want to be nice to. I should be more my own person not one with a thick shield of ''I want to be nice to everyone and what other people think about me''. I want to get to my core and on the way erase all sham. I don't feel connected to most of my friends. And because of that I feel like a terrible person but why should I? I JUST DON'T FEEL IT. It doesn't make me aweful it makes me me as I am now. Yes, many I - ME, aren't there? But I really want to understand what person am I really as recently I've understood that I have no idea. And maybe that stops me from moving anywhere in my life.

I have to find out who am I, what do I want and what am I capable of doing to achieve it. And I really need solitude to feel whole.