Фан-фик,взяла с английского сайта,так что прочитать смогут только хорошо владеющие языком люди

P.S.если будет время-переведу

Chapter 1
“Little Copy”

I was standing at a window in the living-room. It was ordinary winter day. The same ordinary people were passing by our house. And still I was thinking about him though it has already been 6 years since it has happened. A single tear fell down on the floor.
- Mommy! – The scream from the kitchen.
- I’m coming! What is it, honey?
- Look, what I’ve drawn!
- Oh, honey, such a beautiful picture, - a kiss in the forehead, - is this me?
- Yes! And this is me. And this, - a pause, than he whispered - is our daddy. Mommy, why does everybody in the school has a daddy, and I don’t?
- Oh, sweet-heart, I told you your daddy is a very busy person. He’s on his vacation now!
- But when he comes back, will we go hiking all together?
- Sure, honey, sure.
- And will Uncle Bill go with us?
- Uncle Bill, granny and granddaddy! We all will go to a lake with tents, and we will fish there and swim in the lake! And now, go back to your room. It’s time for the homework!
I took a picture and started to cry. I sat on a chair and closed my face with the hands. How? God, how can I explain to a 5-year-old boy, that his grandparents do not want to associate with me, because they are accusing me in the death of their son, and his uncle Bill became mad, when Tom died and now he is in a mental hospital? No, stop crying. I have to find forces to live further. To live for him. For our son. Though it is really hard for me. Gosh, Tom, he took after you in appearance for 100 %! In every centimetre of his body and face I recognize you. He even has that mole on his right cheek.
Even now I did not forget you. And I still love you, no matter what. Your image is always in my head. Your smile is in my heart for ever. I have to find words to explain him what had happened to you. I don’t know what to do, Tom! I can’t hide from him the truth anymore and at the same time I can’t tell him everything, because he is too small! I went to my room and found a picture of me and Tom together. It was not even a picture. It was an article in a newspaper. Gosh, we are so small here! I can’t believe it was so long time ago. We are only 19 here, celebrating your and Bill’s birthday. And here is a picture of Bill. We are so happy together. Me eyes became wet again and tears started to fall on the magazine. Knock, knock.
- Mommy?
I hurried to wipe tears from my face.
- Yes, honey, come in.
Tom entered the room.
- Mommy, why are your eyes red? Why are you crying? – He saw the magazine in my hand, - who is this?
He is so curious, so smart.
- Oh, come on, baby. Sit near me. Mommy needs to tell you something.
Oh, God, please give me strength to carry this on. Tom snatched the magazine out of my hands.
- Who is this, mommy? – He pointed with his little finger on Tom, - and this is our uncle Bill! – He smiled and looked in my eyes.
Well, a couple of times we were at Bill’s in the hospital. Probably, Tom still remembers him.
- Yes, honey, this is our uncle Bill.
Tom was carefully looking at the picture. I could read hundreds of questions in his eyes.
- Look, honey, this is your mommy! – I pointed at a picture, where I and Tom were hugging each other.
- Who is this, mommy? – asked he for the second time.
- This is your daddy, sweet-heart.
- Daddy? When is he coming back?
- Oh, dear… - come on! You have to tell him! No, no, no. Wait. His too small. At least wait until he is 8 years old! Angel and devil were struggling inside me, - I don’t know, honey. Look, this is your father and Uncle Bill playing on a concert! Many years ago they were rock-stars!
- Wow! And they were playing guitars, like that? – he jumped up from the bed and started to move like he was playing guitar, - are they famous now?
- No, now they are not famous anymore. Hey, I have a great idea! Let’s go and see uncle Bill in the hospital!
- OK.
- Than go to your room and get ready. I’ll be in a couple of minutes.
I took the magazine and we headed to the hospital.

Chapter 2
“Uncle Bill”

- Hello, may I help you? – a nurse asked.
- Yes, we would like to see Bill Kaulitz. Is it possible right now?
- Sure. Wait here, I will call you.
- Thank you. Come on, honey, let’s sit for a while.
- Mommy, and what kind of disease does Uncle Bill have?
- Oh, he has problems with his… - come on! Say something!
- Miss, you may enter.
Thank God!
- Hey, Uncle Bill!
Bill was sitting at a table staring at one point and mumbling something. I came up to him, hugged and kissed in his forehead. I took his head and looked straight into his eyes.
- Bill, it’s me. Do you remember? You nephew is also here. Look, - I turned his head toward Tom.
- Tom? – He stared at him.
- Yes, honey, it’s Tom. My son. Do you remember? Look, he painted a picture for you.
Bill kept staring at Tom.
- Mommy! – Tom’s eyes filled with tears, - he’s scaring me!
- Shhh, baby, don’t cry. It’s our uncle Bill. He just took a medicine and he needs some time to recognize you! He hasn’t seen you for a long time and you are so grown up already! Sit here and don’t be afraid. Here are your pencils. Bill, I brought a magazine, - I took the magazine out of my bag, - look, Bill, this is your brother Tom, - I placed the magazine in front of him. Slowly, he turned his head and stared at the picture. A couple of tears fell down. Than he stared at one point again and started to mumble something that I could not understand.
- Mommy! Look! I painted another picture! It is our daddy and Uncle Bill! Uncle Bill, look, this is you! – Tom stretched out his painting, but Bill did not pay any attention to it.
- Honey, this is wonderful picture.
The nurse entered the room.
- Miss, your time is up. It’s time to go.
- OK. Tommy, let’s leave this picture here. It’s time to go.
- OK, - he placed the picture in front of Bill, upon the magazine, - bye, Uncle Bill.
Bill sharply turned his head to Tom.
- Tom? NO! – He started to scream, - NO! DON’T GO! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE!
The nurse called security. I closed Tom’s ears and eyes and ran out of the ward. I took Tom in my hands and ran to the elevator. I still could hear Bill’s screams. Gosh. Tom reminds him his brother. Probably now he thought, that it was his brother.
- Mommy, what’s wrong with him?
- He just didn’t want to you to go.
- But he scared me.
- Oh, I’m sure he didn’t want to do it.
To our house we decided to walk on feet. When we came it was pretty late.
- Go to clean your teeth and then to bed! It is late already!
Tom went to the bathroom. Gosh, I hope Bill did not scare him very much. I put the keys on the table in the kitchen and turned the kettle on. Oh, I don’t think I will be able to sleep this night. All I need now is a cup of hot and strong coffee.
- Mommy?
- Oh, dear! Tom, you scared me!
Tom was standing at the kitchen door, rubbing his eye.
- Why are you still here? Go to bed!
- Mommy, where is that magazine? I want to see daddy again.
I looked in my bag. Shit. I’ve left it in the hospital with Tom’s pencils.
- Honey, I’m sorry, I forgot it in the hospital. But I think I have another one. Let’s go to my room.
I took Ton by the hand. In my room, in the closet I found pictures form our wedding day. And I almost started to cry.
- Mommy, what is it? Are you crying again?
- No, honey, no, - I was wiping the tears from my face, - look, here is your daddy, - I stretched out to him the photos from the wedding.
I haven’t seen them for like 3 or 4 years. I tried to forget him. I wanted to throw them away, but something had stopped me. The next hour we were sitting on the bed and looking on the pictures. Tom was always asking me different questions.
- And the last one. This is your daddy’s band together. Do you remember uncles George and Gustav? They came to us last year.
- Oh, yes! – He exclaimed.
- Young man! It is almost eleven! Go to bed! Now!
- But I don’t want to sleep at all! – He said yawning.
- I see, - I took him on my hands and carried to his room, - sleep well, you have to go to the school tomorrow.
- I’m looking forward to tell everybody, that my daddy is a rock-star!
- He was, honey, he was… - I kissed him in the forehead, - sweet dreams darling, - I turned off the light in his room and closed the door.
Gosh, such a long day. My coffee must be getting cold. I took the photos and went into the kitchen. The whole night I spend crying and looking through the pictures. Oh, he was so happy to know, that I was pregnant! But he never saw his son. Gosh, I want to die right now.

Chapter 3

Probably I fell asleep at about 4 a.m. I woke up and heard a strange sound. What is it? Was I sleeping? I yawned. Oh, shit! The phone is ringing!
- Hello?
- Miss Kaulitz? The nurse from the hospital asked.
- Yes.
- I am sorry for such an early call. I have to tell you something very important. I think you better sit down.
- What’s that?
- Your brother-in-law, Bill Kaulitz, have just committed suicide.
- What? But how? – I couldn’t believe her words; I fell on my knees and started to cry.
- I’m very sorry about your lost. We had already informed his parents about his death. You must come here and take his things.
- OK, I will come as soon as I can.
I hanged the phone. I was still sitting at my knees and crying. It is only 5 in the morning. I have to sleep for a while now.
I slept for 2 hours, than I got Tommy to school and drove to the hospital.
- Hi, I’m here to take Bill Kaulitz’s things.
- Oh, yes. Here they are, - the nurse took out a box. There were Tom’s pencils and drawings, also I found there that magazine with our pictures, - I think you should see his ward before you go. Follow me.
His ward? But why? When I walked inside I was shocked. All the walls in the room was written with the name “TOM”.
- Yesterday, when you left, you forgot to take the pencils. He took them and at first started to draw on a paper, but then he started to write on the walls. He was writing the whole night, I think.
- But, how did he…
- Oh, we needed to make him a couple of shots today in the morning. But he went crazy, when he saw a needle. He snatched a syringe out of nurse’s hands and then drove into his neck.
- Oh, God…. – I closed my mouth with a hand and started to cry.
The nurse hugged me.
- I’m sorrowing with you, Miss Kaulitz.
- Thank you. Let’s just leave.
I pushed the button to call the elevator. I was standing in front of it with my head down. When the doors opened I saw two persons in it. I raised my head and saw them. Bill’s and Tom’s parents. It seemed that my heart stopped at the moment, when I saw them. I didn’t say a word to them; I just turned round and headed to the stairs.
- Wait, - Simona grabbed my hand. She pulled me into the elevator and pushed the button. The doors closed, - we need to talk.
- Oh, come on, Simona! I know every word you are going to say!
- No, I’m not going to blame you. I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for blaming you. I understand that it is your right not to forgive me now. But please, let me at least see my only grandson, - with this phrase tears appeared on her eyes.
- Oh, Simona! You could come in my house anytime to see Tom. He’s missing you, - we both started to cry and hugged each other.
- Does he know?
- No, he’s in school now. And, Simona, he doesn’t know about Tom. He thinks that he’s on vacation far away from here. I just couldn’t find words to tell him about it.
- It’s OK. You can tell him later, when he’s grown-up.
- You know, I think Bill did it because yesterday I was here with Tom. And I think Tom reminded him his brother. I saw his ward now. The walls in there are written with “TOM”.
- Oh, my God! – She started to cry.
Her husband hugged her.
- I will organize the funeral for him. Could you please pick up Tom from school? You can go to our house. I need to go to a firm of undertakers.
- Of course.
In the evening I was totally wiped out. I came home and fell on a couch.
- Mommy! Where have you been all day?
- Tommy! Dear, I just had to do some businesses. Did you have fun with granny?
- Yes. We cooked, and then we played hide-and-seek game! And we went for a walk in the park.
- Oh, that is so great! Tommy, sit near mommy, I need to tell you something very important.
I sat on me knees on the floor right in front of Tommy and put my hands on his knees. His grandparents were standing behind me. Simona put her hand on my back and Gordon hugged her by her waist, - Tommy, do you remember Twister, you puppy?
- Yes.
- Do you know where he is now?
- Yes, he is in heaven, playing with the God, - he said it very cheerfully.
- Yes. And do you remember your uncle Bill? Well, - my eyes filled with tears and they started to roll down my cheeks.
- Mommy, why are you crying?
- Today in the morning uncle Bill went to heaven to play with Twister.
- Will he come back?
- No, honey, he won’t be back ever.
I saw that Tom didn’t quite understand what I was saying to him. But, in fact, he understood, that he will never see his uncle again. He burst out in tears.
- Shhhhh, honey, please, don’t cry. You will see your uncle, but later.
- Mommy, but I wanted to go to a family picnic to a lake when daddy’s back. And granny told me, that we all will go.
- I know, honey. But now Uncle Bill is not sick anymore. He’s up there, - I pointed to the sky, - watching us. And he will always be with us, here, - I pointed to his heart.
But Tom kept crying. I took him and carried to his room.
- Mommy, daddy will be upset.
- Of course, he will.
But deep inside my heart I knew, that Tom will be glad to meet his brother again, there, in heaven.
In about half an hour Tommy calmed down and fell asleep. I pulled his blanket over him, kissed his forehead and went downstairs.
- How is he?
- He’s sleeping. But I don’t think he understood that Bill is dead.
- Did you go to a firm of undertakers?
- Yes, sure, - I was ran-down, my head ached. Too much problems. Why does my little son have to suffer? – The funeral is going to be tomorrow. I arranged everything. We will bury him at the same graveyard, where Tom is. Right next to him.
- Oh, honey, you look so tired, - Simona sat next to me and hugged my head, - you have to sleep now. Go upstairs. I will take care about everything.

Chapter 4
“The Funeral Day”

I woke up in the morning. The day of the funeral. I went to the kitchen. Simona and Tom was eating, grandpa was sitting in the living room, holding the picture of his sons in his hands.
- Good morning, mommy!
- Good morning, honey. How are you feeling today? – Simone looked at me and smiled, but in her eyes I could read, that deep inside her soul she suffered.
- Oh, good morning, dear, - I kissed Tommy in the forehead, - well, physically – I am good, but mentally – I am bad. I feel like squeezed orange. I had a nightmare tonight.
- Tell me.
- Tommy, go to your grandfather, he seems to be bored a little.
- OK.
- It was our anniversary. I was going back home. All the guests were already there. Only twins were missing. Tom and Bill should have taken our son from school. When I finally got home, I turned on the TV and there were news, that Bill’s car got in accident and they all died, - I fell on a chair and burst out in tears.
- Oh, honey, come on, cry. It’s not the right time to check the tears.
- The worst thing was that Tommy was in that damn car! He is the only thing that I am living for, you know. If I lost him, I will just kill myself!
Simona got up and came up to me. She hugged me.
- Stop thinking about it! You will never loose him! I will not let the God take him. You just need some time to recover from all this events.
- No, Simona, even time won’t help me. Since Tom died, I hoped that Bill we recover soon and he will be kind of a father for Tommy. And now, I don’t know what to do. It’s been already 6 years, but I still can’t get over it, you know. I still love him. And Tommy… He is his little copy! He even has the same mole, Simona! Sometimes I look at him and I can hardly check my tears. And now Bill killed himself. It’s my fault!
- Don’t dare to say this. Bill was feeling lonely without Tom. They were two parts of the same! And when one part died, the other just couldn’t recover. I knew he will do it one day. Even when they were kids, they were always saying, that if one die, another would follow.
- No, Simona, that is my fault! I knew, that Tommy would remind Bill his brother. But I still took him to the hospital! Maybe, if he did not see him, he would be still alive now.
- Only God knows, dear. Now, stop thinking about it. You need to eat something. Go, wash your face and come back here. The funeral starts in 4 hours. We need to get ready.
- OK, - I went to the bathroom.
Simone sat at her chair back and closed her face with the hands. She started to cry. I knew, that she doesn’t like when someone sees her crying. And I left her alone with her thoughts. She still does not realize that her sons are dead. She needs to think over it again.
Tom was sitting at his granddaddy’s knee. He was holding a picture of Bill and Tom together. On that picture they were only 12. Gordon has always had this picture in his wallet. I was standing at the door, leaning my elbow against the wall. Tommy was always asking something, and his grandpa was telling him stories about him and twins. He’s trying to be strong for all of us. But it’s too hard for him. Simona and Tom are everything he has now. I bet now you are asking “but what about you?” I think, he and Simona do not really care about me. Of course, I was the wife of their son, but the last time, we saw each other was Tom’s funeral 6 years ago. Several times I saw tears coming from his eyes.
When I finally got to the bathroom, I took a warm shower to wake up. When I look at a mirror I saw that I had bruises under my eyes. Perfect. Too many events during one day. I came back to the kitchen. Simona found the pictures from the wedding and now she was looking through them. Her eyes were red and the table was wet.
- Oh, - she wiped the tears away from her face, - here is your breakfast, - she pointed at a plate of eggs and bacon, standing opposite to her, - you know, I’ve never seen these pictures… you two are so happy here, - she started to cry, - I’m sorry.
- No, no, Simona, I don’t have to be sorry. Do you want to talk about them?
Simona looked into my eyes and started to talk. She was telling me different stories from their childhood. We spoke like that about two hours. We laughed and remembered different events from the wedding. And during that time, I forgot about everything. It seemed to me, that Tom and Bill now would enter the room, Tom will kiss me, hug Tommy and I would start cooking dinner for the whole family. But clock stroke 5 p.m.
- Oh, - I turned head to the clock, - I think it’s time.
- Yes. Go upstairs, get ready. I will clean everything here.
I went to the living room, to take Tommy with me. I had to dress him up. When I entered, I saw, that he and grandpa was sleeping on a sofa. I sat near them and kissed Tommy in the head. And the next second he opened his eyes.
- Hey, honey, wake up, - I smiled at him, - we have to go soon.
- Where? – he was rubbing his eyes.
- Do you remember, when Twister was gone, we buried him in the backyard?
- Yes, do we have to bury Uncle Bill in the backyard?
- No, honey, not in the backyard.
- Where?
- In a special place, where people are buring their relatives to see them off to the God, sweet-hart. Now, come on, - I took him on my hands, - we need to get ready.
We went upstairs. I put on the black dress, that I was wearing at Tom’s funeral. Fantastic, it still fits me. And I put on Tommy his suit.
- Mommy, I don’t want to wear this suit!
As usual. He is just like his father. He has never wanted to wear official suits. No matter where he goes.
- Tommy, stop, now is not the right time for whining.

Chapter 5
“At the Graveyard”

Not a lot of people came. There were only relatives and closest friends. Since Tom died, a lot of people forgot about Bill. Some of his really close friends just stopped communicating with him. Partially it influenced his illness because he stayed almost alone. Though me and his parents supported him, he could not survive Tom’s death.
I remember this morning, as if it was yesterday. It had been a year since Tom died, and we supposed to go to the graveyard to see Tom. So, I woke up, bought some flowers and went to Bill’s house. When I knocked at the door, nobody answered. But I had my own key. I opened the door and entered the house. I found Bill in his room. He was lying on the floor in the shape of embryon and mumbling something. I was calling him “Bill, Bill, what’s wrong? Bill, look at me! Bill! Bill!” But no respond followed. I called an ambulance. The doctor said, that Bill got a very serious psychologic trauma, what had lead to a psychological disconcertment. “It often happens when one of twins dies first, - he added than, - but he stayed in a normal condition quite long”. Than they took him to a mental hospital. I almost committed suicide this time. Bill was the only man, who supported me this time. I mean, I had friends, but not very close, and Georg and Gustav had their own families to take care of, but I am thankful to them for everything they’ve done for me. They helped me to survive.
Now, I was standing near the coffin, where Bill was. I could not check my tears. I kept crying again and again. Tommy was standing near me. He was too small to understand what was happening. He just watched the funeral. Than I came up to the coffin, to put two black roses on it and to say final “goodbye”. When I came back, I didn’t find Tommy. I turned around and saw him behind. He was staring at someone’s grave.
- Tommy! Don’t do that again! You scared me a lot! What are you doing here, - I turned and looked at the grave, he was staring on. And I understood.
I stood up and I felt faint. I took Tom by the hand and wanted to take him away from here. But he did not wan to go. He stayed there. Than he pointed with his little finger on the grave.
- Mommy, look, this is our daddy!
Tell him! Tell him something! Tom let my hand off and came closer to the grave. He stared at the picture. His eyes filled with tears. He started to cry.
- Mommy, this is our daddy! – he turned to me, - mommy, where is daddy?
I knew that know that stupid lie about vacation won’t help. I knew I had to tell him the truth. But I could not find any words. I lost my voice. Tome came up to me and hugged my knees. He was crying. He understood. Then he raised up his head.
- Mommy, is daddy on heaven with Uncle Bill and Twister?
- Yes, honey, - I sat down and hugged Tommy, - your daddy is on heaven together with your Uncle.
I could not say more. Maybe later I will explain everything to him.
During the rest of the day, Tommy kept silence. When we came home, he went to the kitchen, took the wedding photos and started to look through them.
- Tommy, baby, do you want something to eat?
But Tom was not answering, like he didn’t hear my question. I sat on my knees and looked into his eyes.
- Tommy, honey, I know what you are feeling now, - I hugged him and he started to cry.
- Mommy.
- Yes, honey.
- I want my daddy back.
- Honey, I want him to be here, too. But it’s impossible, sweet-heart. Daddy’s now on heaven, watching us. And he knows that you miss him, that we all miss him.
Tom’s eyes were wet. He was scared. No wonder. At the same day he lost his Uncle and his father. But I could not help it. I would do everything to make my child be happy. I even would go to heaven and ask God to bring him back, I just didn’t know how to do this. That evening Tom went to sleep without having dinner. I went to bed right after him. But I could not fall asleep. I was lying in the bed and thinking about everything that had happened these days. And I was thinking about Tom, the first time we met, our wedding day and our honey-mood. We spent it on Hawaii. And there I got pregnant. After we came back, we decided to tell everybody the great news and we arranged a small party for our relatives and friends. Well, the party was great. Everybody was happy for us. As I was forbidden to drink and Tom was a little bit tipsy, I drove the car on our way home. Tom was sitting near me. Bill sat on a passenger sit behind me. We turned on music very loudly and started to sing. Suddenly, a red car outstripped us and a couple of police cars were riding behind us. And then I saw, that someone from the red car put a gun outside the car and started to shot in the police. I got scared and started to panic. Everything happened during a couple of seconds. The man shot the second time and I sharply turned the rudder to the right. And from that moment I could not handle the car any more. Then I suddenly realize, that the car was going to hit a milestone. And I saw, that the milestone was on my right, that meant that it would crush Tom’s side. I could not admit it and turned the rudder to the right, so it would crush the left side, mine side. But suddenly Tom grabbed the rudder and turned it back to the left, and the car crushed the milestone. A safety pillow opened and I hit my head. I lost my consciousness. I woke up and saw Bill. “Are you OK? Anything hurts?” “No, but I hit my head” I rubbed the forehead and remembered about Tom. I turned my head and saw him… the whole right side of the car was crushed. Tom was lying on the seat and his left hand was still at the rudder. He was dead. He was all in blood. The next second an ambulance came, but it was too late. Me and Bill were OK. Even the baby did not get any traumas. There were not a single wound on my body. He knew, he was going to die, but why did he save me? I told him thousands of times that I will not survive if something happens to him. Bill was totally lost. It seemed, that half of him died in that car accident with Tom. In the hospital I heard the talk between Bill and his mother. She was saying, that it was all my fault, that I was not experienced in driving. And after that I haven’t seen her anymore until yesterday, when Bill died. I woke up. The pillow was wet. Probably, I fell asleep and I had a dream about the accident. It was already morning. When I went downstairs I saw that Simona was playing with Tom in the living room.

[640x480]