remember how you said you would never let me go... remember how you said you would never leave me... you have said that so many times...you said you would never give up on me...never... i trusted you...fully...blindly...

you know what status do you have in your previous account?... used17... it says 'always in my heart'...every time entering icq i look at it... i dont know what for... i loved to know that i was in your heart... it meant the world to me... meaning of life?...

remember how i said i would never leave you... remember how strong i wanted to take care of you... how i felt that you are having your days... i think i felt when you cried at nights... how we felt each other... i still feel how much pain you feel now... remember how jealous we got... so easily... though we were so far away from each other... you called me kitty... i loved it so much... i called you tigress...

remember the latest new year night... do you remember?... what were we doing... and what you said after it...

yes it was hard... it had always been hard... and i told you that i have experienced the same as you have... when everybody is partying and im alone... that im bound to you... im so old... nevertheless i thought it was happiness... i was sure it was... and i was happy... i knew my heart wasnt alone...

im terribly sorry for my mistakes... i was so selfish... i know i treated you not good... you wasnt deserving how i treated you... but i loved you, i hope you dont doubt it... i loved you more than life...i wasnt enslaved... i loved you, but not because you loved me... i wasnt living for you, i was living because i had you... and i knew that i was treating you awful... i knew, but was too selfish to change it... i just couldnt...wasnt able to...physically... i wasnt realising how much you meant to me... you think im perfect... but im not at all...nither physically nor mentally...far from...
now i think im changing... i know how it sounds... but i think i am... i have started to talk to my parents, though they are gone now... and im all alone in my flat... im thinking more about other people than i used to think... its something to begin with... im trying...

i think i understood you... i have told you that i felt the same this autumn... that the depression was awful... maybe you was just stronger than me to say what i have already known... remember when once i was crying that we would never be together, i cried if we were going to wait 5 years or maybe more and you said that we would overcome it, you said we would visit each other often... i believed... i was so afraid to lose you...

i was so stupid not to share all the small things with you, though i wanted to share every time... i was stubborn... i would never repeat my mistakes if i had a chance to... remember how you said that love is not only possessing, its friendship... i loved you as you were... slim and tall, blonde, sexy, sweet and very smart, pretty girl... i was really content with you... you were my image of a perfect girl... i was just selfish... demanding... and i knew that it was wrong to demand... it was selfishness... too late... how stupid... i think its how i was raised...

in autumn i realised that thing about love... that its something from above... its a gift... i remembered how it was that first night... we werent talking about anything special... we werent seeing each other or whatever...so it couldnt be even so called 'love at first sight'... at the beginning we even didnt know that we were a boy and a girl... but i felt something that very night... i have thought about it so many times... i have heard about cases when people met through dating sites or something like that and fell in love... but when two met in some 'soulseek' by such an impossible luck, and even not seeing each other and not knowing how each other looks, spend so much time together... more than half a year had passed before they saw each other... soulseek...you sought my soul... it couldnt be for nothing... im still sure it couldnt be... too much for this... true love... stupid i am?...

and though i was weak to say what i felt that autumn... recollections of that night gave me strength... i remembered how many times you said 'never'... i decided that i needed to go on... to keep it up... that even if it was that hard...it was love and it was beautiful in spite of everything... maybe more beautiful and romantic than anybody had ever had...

i decided that even if i wouldnt be able to bear it any longer, at last we had to meet and see... and then maybe decide something...

fuck...i have never even heard the voice of yours...that one talk was so horribly long time ago...its terrible...i miss it...i have been missing your voice all the time since that talk... shame i havent told you this before... its been so many years... its been so many feelings.. strong and mad...

i have read all our conversations last night... they are everything we had...
sometimes i couldnt go on reading... i hurt you and you said that you wouldn't want to fall in love with anybody else... how cruel i was... god...again and again... i wish i could turn back time... and even now you say you are to blame... no, its only me... i broke you...
you said once 'we're becoming tragic heroes but we don't have to be..' only my fault...
and once you said 'waking up and falling asleep knowing that there is someone who cares about me is something i'd never like to lose...and you are the one...not like others...i'm still happy that i found you...cause you're the best what can happen to me...' ... after all i did... i am at a loss for words... and in the end you promised that everything would be ok...

you always said that you wasnt worth me... now i know for sure... i wasnt worth you not in a way... you were too good to me... and its me who wasnt ready for you, because of my endless selfishness... i wont ever find a girl like you... a girl that would care about me and understand me so... a girl that i would love so crazy... i deserve to be alone now... i dont know if i can go on living without you...

im begging for forgiveness and even if you can forgive, i should put up with any your decision... i deserved you to leave me... and i deserved it a long time ago... ...you were my angel... you deserved the sweetest care every day... you found me and took care of me... but even angels cant stand things i did...

i only can ask you to give me and us one more chance...this summer... and then... then... you will know for sure...