I want to be alone today. Or rather I don't want one specific person to see or hear from me today. Maybe even longer, much longer. The thing is that feeling sad is a failure in his eyes and I feel very sad. I have no hope for that person, I have nothing to give them. I want to be left alone, I sometimes feel that people are sucking last bits of my ability to be happy for their own selfish sake and I let them.
I also feel dismayed that my sadness is frowned upon. I am tired of it. I want to be myself, whoever I am that day. I won't accept people getting mad and yelling at me simply because I'm thinking about something or I am sad for a specific reason.
I never have time to lose hope with them but I am human. I feel what I feel, I won't be denied and shunned anymore. I always try to be a better person, always try to be optimistic and happy. But I'm being forced to do all that, I'm being yelled at and offended if I'm not "cool with everything". To hell with that. I always listen to other people's problems, discuss everything that needs to be discussed. While other people just get impatient, never try, they make same mistakes as me a lot more but are blind to that or they make it my fault. They never move forward and they are holding me back. It's suffocating.
I feel like I've wasted so much energy and effort but I was doing it all wrong, I was running frantically in the wrong direction. Now I have stopped and I will walk alone. If someone choses to walk with me by my side and be as supportive and strong as I am as many times a day as I am then they will be able to keep up. I will not stay behind and grow weak yet again. I've done it too many times only to be hurt incredibly by the peson I was helping to get up. I will not grow impatient and hopeless anymore because I have enourmous abilities they are blind to. They take it all for granted. I am taking it with me, if they stay behind they will see what they've lost.
I'm tired of being told I'm a bad person, that I'm not normal by an arrogant, overly emotional, yelling being that can't decide what to fight for and who to be. It is done. I am not bowing or kneeling anymore even if that means I will be all alone. I crossed my line where I would lose my dignity, sanity, strength and self-love too many times in hopes that a person would start walking with me and will learn what it means to love, support, fight or even being able to resolve conflict in an adult way without escalating or getting hurtful. In the end I was a fool.
Many conclusions can be drawn from this experience and I will extract them as they come over time. I might be wrong but it sure feels right. I know I'm on the right track for myself now. For now I simply have my self-respect and self-love back and I will not surrender it anymore, not even for love.