I want to love. I do...But is it worth it? Is "all the pleasure worth all the pain"?I really don't know...All I DO know-is that I AM TIRED! SICK OF ALL OF THIS! So fucking sick of this world, my life...My so damn primitive existence...
I want to just go for what I want...Just go for it, DO IT, but...Damn… I am not unsure of myself, I am just afraid I guess...of being turned down...Afraid of being...Yes...I am afraid of being alone. Afraid of being someone I really AM, but don't want to be...I am afraid of being myself-cause I don't like her...The "me" that I see when I step out of my shell...She is different...So different, that it scares me...And I don't like her...The me in the shell is so damn right! She is funny, friendly, unafraid and just ...alive? Yes... She’s alive!
But the other me...real me...She is kind of...empty? So sad and depressed...And what’s kinky is that she comes out only at nights...Like if she feels that she is not aloud to be a part of my daily life...And what even kinkier is that I start to love her…Not like, no…I will never like her, but I love her…The shall doesn’t understand… She doesn’t understand why I want to cry, or just be alone… No…But the nightly me… She is…heh…the real deal, I guess? Does this even make since? Damn…Sometimes I am just become shocked when I read my writing… This all can be so desperately stupid…
I live at days…And I like my life…My class, my friends, guys… I enjoy of all of it…But all that belongs to the shall, stays with her…And then, night falls down and I… I become myself…I have become a vampire, I swear…
I hardly eat, I sleep like 3 hours a day and I can cry 5 day in week… And I don’t become tired.
You know, this is wired…I should think about it, but not today…. Today I will take a long walk to the lake and maybe swim… By the way…It snows! This will surely be a wonderful evening…

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