14.06.2009

I wish I could sing but my voice broke and I forgot all songs. The night makes me numb and the air escaped my breath. Longing scratches my veins, the blood runs so slow. My vision is blurs, something blinds me. I refuse to hear my own thoughts.

I can't get up.

Am I dying? No 'tis dawn...

(I am loving my way)

It never reall gets dark. The colours, the number four...

***

21.06.2009

I can't see a future for us. Let me than enjoy for now, every day...like if it was the last one. My dreams show what's right, but towards myself only. Am I selfish to wish the better for myself?

Would you let me use you? Would you allow me to hold you and reject you at the same time?

Dissapointment of failure and grief of loss, enhansing what is left of my sanity. I don't and won't succeed. I'm lost, I'm delirious, betrayed by my own mind.

Let's talk about love. I hate that word. it doen't describe a thing, nothing that matters anyway.

Do you understand?

Can I please give you the blame for me loosing control?

Do you mind if I hurt you by letting you care? Would you like to emphasize the pain our desires bring upon us?

Let's talk about art, such great artists we are. We paint our lives ourselves, in colours made from our blood and emotions.

Let's paint the reality in its true colours - in pain.

Do you mind the suffering and the self-sacrificing for the sake of art?

I hope that you don't care when I wheep in my inability od making a choice.

A lullaby, a choir, voices in the dark. A passion that turns me to ashes.

Tell me a story I've never heard before, show me a place I've never been to, tell me a tale of things that will never be.

Sometimes it's nice to hear you telling lies. We are false, in a spectacle we are playing roles.

What does the heart tell? Mine - in grief. In the end we are always alone...

Still, everything happens for a reason.

I would like to make a clear difference between truth and false.

***

22.06.2009

A bowel of sweets. Which one is the sweetest, I wonder?

Where will you be when this is through?

Wake up, wake up. You are not alone. Do you really want to live a life in lying ang intrigues?

Aren't those thing punishable by the fait and circumstances themselves? Whose victims we are?

Tatata-ta-tatata-ta-tatata-ta

What are we trying to create? To built? Want to built up something one the ruins of someones happiness? You'll fail.

I feel so calm here. And so sad.

Am I right in hurting you like this? You happiness is smothered by wishes never to be.

Am I right in being a free spirit and do what I want? I want to let myself to forget others needs...

I don't like limits. They make me feel sick. Maybe, my state of mind and values are to be classified as social dissorder illness? Would it be easier if people treated me like a nympho..?

Am I right to myself? Despite the fact that they care, their starting point is their own selfishness. And me being an object of their desires. When they let me choose I know they want me to choose what they want me to.

And I know what people want from me. And they know that I hate leaving someone on the loosing side.

Hence, I am indirectly being used and I use everybody else in the same way.

Just got a deja-vu

Tea. grapes. music. sms. pen. harmony. zoo. sheeple. book. candies. cellphone. night. confusion. despair. oak. fields. river. meadows. circus. pregnancy. house. home. dog. bed. piony. cornflower. diary. hands. white. jewelry. CD. sadness. table. death. skull. dress. earrings. tired. boredome. doomed. time. helplessness. situation.

I have to stay out of situations like that. Everybody looses in such games.

Let me play and be a masochist.

Can I escape into othe world, a non-patriarchial one? Please? Where I can be myself without fear of loosing? Can they just accept my behaviour and stop treating me like a thing?

IT IS MY BODY AND MY MIND! LET ME BE SELFISH!

***

The last day in Izhevsk

So much thoughts I feel humulated. I feel I've lost control, I've lost my power...I can rebuilt it but it willnever be the same...

what have I've done? Why do I hurt people I love?

Sacrifficing means being in pain and sometimes it takes the better of me. Tell a story which have happend but never shouldn't have. I know a story and it happened and now I am the prisoner of its consequences. I am imprisoned by mistakes I choose to do. I am but an actress, carrier of many masks. Do someone know me? Please introduce me to myself

I want to create not to destroy, I want to make people happy. But never ever will I make happy all those people I want to make happy. They are not many, but their needs so different...

What about me?

Warum du so weit. Where are you, love? What are you doing right now, alone in your appartment? My dearest friend, a lover never ment to be? I am so glad that you exist. I have already hurt someone I love, now its your turn. I have to. I have chosen what I want most. What life I want, although it won't be the same as I thought it to be from the start...Too much hurt, too much dissapointment, too much tears.

Relationships my ass...

I am tired of fucking hiding! Bloody them! Meaningless damnation of a society I live in. Still I am pissed. At myself mostly

I will be gone. To be just another...

Tell of a place I've never seen.

Tell me that everything is gonna be alright, although not the way we, them, I want. It has to be alright.

We are...

I am...