Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

В кратце, чувак позвонил жене на работу, сказал што ето укусила собака и он убьет собаку...
Жена сорвалась с работы домой, но неуспела...
Чувак бил собаку заряженым shotgun, держась за дуло ??? Полный идиот....
Ему было 43 года...

Вот укороченная версия новостей на Англиском:

Man Fatally Shot While Beating Dog With Shotgun

WINCHESTER, Va. -- A man was shot fatally while trying to beat his dog to death with a shotgun, Winchester police said.
Police say the man called his wife at work Thursday and told her that their dog had bitten him and he intended to kill it.
Police say the wife Raymond Poore Jr. found him covered with dog bites and suffering from a shotgun wound to his abdomen. He died later at Winchester Medical Center.
Police say the shotgun must have gone off while Poore was using it to beat the 30-pound Shar-Pei. The stock of the weapon was broken and there appeared to be blood and dog hair on it.
A Winchester animal control officer took custody of the dog. There's no word on how badly it was injured.

Ever wonder what your partner is really saying? Here is what they say, and what it really means...

Did you come? = Because I didn't.

I have something to tell you. = Get tested.

I'm a Romantic. = I'm poor.

I'll give you a call. = I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by wild dogs than see you again.

I never meant to hurt you. = I thought you weren't a virgin.

Trust me. = I'm cheating on you.

I love you. = You're a good lay.

I think we should just be friends. = You're ugly.

Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.

I want to make love to you. = Let's fuck.

Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.

We need to talk. = I'm pregnant.

I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?

I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I've learned a lot from you. = Next!

I want a commitment. = I'm sick of masturbation.

I think we should see other people. = I have been seeing other people.

Let's get married. = Now can we fuck?

We don't have to do anything until you are ready. = Put out or get out.

I feel it's time to express our love for each other. = Give me head.

I still think about you. = I miss the sex.

Is there something wrong? = Is it supposed to be this soft?

You're so mature. = I hope you're eighteen.

It's never been like this before. = It's my first time.

Yes...Yes...*scream!* = Aren't you done yet?

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

1. The Female always makes The Rules.
2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. (If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male did or said wrong.)
7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.)
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.
14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.
15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.
16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.
17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void!

People can be quick, sometimes too quick, to answer a question they think they know the answer to...

Q. Is there a Fourth of July in England?
A. Yes, it comes after the third of July!

Q. How many birthdays does the average man have?
A. 1 Just one!

Q. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
A. 12, all of them!

Q. How many outs are there in an inning?
A. 6, three per side!

Q. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister?
A. No - because he is dead!

Q. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
A. 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60! Takes some thinking.....

Q. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
A. 2, you took them, remember?

Q. If a doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour, how many minutes would the pills last?
A. 60 - Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

Q. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
A. Nine!

Q. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
A. Zero, Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did!

Q. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
A. Twelve, there are 12 two cent stamps in a dozen!

Q. How far can a dog run into the woods?
A. Half way, otherwise he'll be coming out of the woods!

Q. Which weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?
A. Neither a pound of bricks weighs the same as a pound of feathers!

Q. A rooster sits on the VERY TOP of a barn roof. If he lays an egg, which side will it roll off?
A. Roosters don't lay eggs.

Q. You have a match and you go into a house and there is an oil lamp a stove and a fire place all ready to be started... what do you light first?
A. The Match!

Q. I have two US coins that have total value of 55 cents and one of them is not a nickel. What are the two coins?
A. The one that is not a nickel is a half dollar. The other coin is a nickel.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

Work harder slaves!

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

If you can read this, you're not working!

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile, it makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work - it isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look any different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!!!

The following psychological test was developed by a think tank of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are incredibly accurate in describing your personality with one simple question:

Which is your favourite Teletubbie:

A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red

(DECIDE BEFORE SCROLLING DOWN)
















Profile for women...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are bubbly and cheerful. People come to you when troubled because you always make them feel better about themselves. You are apt to clash with Red Teletubbie people!

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are active and erratic. You have many ideas and set high standards for yourselves and others. Stay away from Green Teletubbie people, they tend to bring you down.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are calm and reliable. Family plays a major role in your life and you often sacrifice your needs to please others. Yellow Teletubbie people are a good match for you.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are bold and emotional. You are fierce in your opinions and quick to anger, but stick by your friends through thick and thin. Purple and Red Teletubbie people are an explosive
combination.





Profile for men...

A. If you chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.

B. If you chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.

C. If you chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.

D. If you chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.

These are cards you'll most likely never see on a Hallmark...
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!.... Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you.... have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love....
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life....
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!....
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,....
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married.... but not to you."

"You look great for your age.... Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me....
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time....
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you.... It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday....
So we're having you put to sleep."

"Your kisses are sweet, your hugs are passionate....
But compared to your sister, they're only second rate."

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Abra-Kebabra-A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down the performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears on the taxi floor.

Aussie Kiss - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Back End of the Bat Mobile - The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry. "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now I've got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the Bat Mobile."

Beaver Leaver (also Vagina Decliner) -. A homosexual.

Beer Coat - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

Beer Compass - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.

Bone of Contention - A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

Breaking the Seal - Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

Budgie's Tongue (also Small Man In A Boat or Tongue Punchbag) - The female erection.

Cider Visor - Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

Cliterature - 1-handed reading material.

Crappucino - The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

Double Bass - A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

Etch-A-Sketch - Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.

Flogging On - Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

Free the Tadpoles - Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

Frigmarole - Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

Fu*kShitFu*kShitFu*kShit - The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

Going For a McShit - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, our declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

Greyhound - A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

Hand-to-Gland Combat - A vigorous masturbation session.

Hefty Cleft (also Horse's Collar or Welly Top) - Description of a very large vagina.

Millennium Domes - The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.

Monkey Bath - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".

Mystery Bus - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

Mystery Taxi - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NBR - No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.

Picasso Arse - A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Sperm Wail (also Spuphemism) - A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

Starfish Trooper (also Arsetronaut) - A homosexual.

10-Pinter - Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

2-Bagger - Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

Titanic - A lady who goes down first time out.

Having sex is yet another great past time for burning up those unwanted fat producing calories...

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent... 12 calories
Without partner's consent... 187 calories

UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands... 7 calories
Using one trembling hand... 36 calories

GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner... 1.5 calories
Dragging partner along floor... 16 calories
Using skateboard... 3 calories

ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man... 2.5 calories
Losing erection... 14 calories
Searching for it... 115 calories

PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection... 1.5 calories
Without erection... 300 calories

INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced... 6 calories
Inexperienced... 73 calories
If a man does it... 650 calories
Add five calories for retrieving it from across the room.

POSSIBLE INTERCOURSE SIDE EFFECTS
Bouncing... 7 calories
Sliding around... 9 calories
Serious skidding... 12 calories
Whiplash... 27 calories

ORGASM
Real... 27 calories
Faked... 160 calories

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off... 35 calories
Expression didn't change... 0.5 calories
Orchestra swelled... 6 calories
Birds sang:
Large birds... 7 calories
Small birds... 3 calories
Earth moved... 30 calories

PULLING OUT
After orgasm... 0.5 calories
A few moments before orgasm... 500 calories

PENIS ENVY
For woman... 3 calories
For men... 72 calories

GUILT
Banging your boss for a promotion... 30 calories
Sex during a 'sickie'... 10 calories
Bonking each other with parents in other room... 7 calories
Putting it on your expense account... 9 calories

AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant... 5 calories
Partner insists on dog cuddling during foreplay... 14 calories
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time... 10 calories
Partner is taking phone calls... 7 calories
Partner is making phone calls... 40 calories

GETTING CAUGHT
By partner's spouse... 60 calories
By your spouse... 100 calories
Trying to explain... 55 calories
Trying to remain calm... 100 calories
Leaping out of bed... 75 calories
Getting dressed in one motion... 500 calories

He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.
He is not stupid; he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He does not get lost; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not unsophisticated; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
He does not hog the blankets; he is THERMALLY UNAPPRECIATIVE.
He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He doesn't have a dirty mind; he has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score

The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:
 I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
 While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
 I think hairy butts are really sexy.
 Her tits are just too big.
 Sometimes I just want to be held.
 That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
 Sure I'd love to wear a condom!
 We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
 Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
 I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions
 No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again.


The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:
 Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
 Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
 I think hairy butts are really sexy.
 Hey, get a whiff of that one.
 Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
 This diamond is way too big!
 I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
 I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
 Wow, it really is 14 inches!
 Does this make my butt look too small?
 I'm wrong, you must be right again.

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
Women think all beer is the same.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Women brush their hair before bed.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.
Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out Читать далее...

Being a man definitely has its perks...

1. Your backside is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from having an elicit affair.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a hoot if no one notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
36. Christmas shopping can be done for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 15 minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.