Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?
Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

"I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar."

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But he acts so stupid," said one to the other. "I think he must have his brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts!

What's the best date to bring on a picnic? One who will arch her back so your balls don't get grass-stained.

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

It is well known...
Man stands up to get knocked down, woman lays down to get knocked up.

Boy: Do you like parties?
Girl: Yes, why?
Boy: Well then jump in my pants and have a ball!

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken. The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out tell' em they're gonna die...

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.
The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?
Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today ?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

Men are like public toilets
They are either engaged or full of shit!


If guys had they periods
They would compare the size of their tampons

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office: "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Here's a little clarification of typical vacant job listing lingo...

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.

Моя semi-annual проблема што подарить girlfriend на Valentines Day? Ну ктоме обычных цветов и шоколада??? Хотелось бы подарить што-нибудь запоминаюшиеся, штобы лучше чем в прошлом году, но хуже чем будет подарок в будующем году.

Для меня каждый празник ето мучение, осоненно если надо делать подарки женщинам...
Мы мужики, што подарили - всё хорошо... если ето не какая нибудь фигня для машины или алкогол (ето исключение) , бросили штобы ето нибыло в угол и забыли через час...

У женшин всё в точности наоборот... Каждый подарок долго анализируется, а каждая мелоч обязательно имеет какоето скрытое значение... смысл которово нам (мужчинам) всё равно в жизни непонять.... Причем начало етот подарок анализируется тем кому подарили, а потом к етому подсоединяются подруги и родные :)
По подарку любая женчина умудряется сказать о мужчине всё, тоесь всю ево биографию, нравы, хорошие черты и недостатки, включая тово што сам мужчина о себе незнает и в жизни недогадывается.... :)

Ну так вот, если вы уж дочитали ето до конца, пожалуста посоветуйте чем обрадовать мою "ненаглядную" ???? :) Заранее благодарен :)

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
c) When your date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes

7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10 You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

14. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.

20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

And your crybaby whiny assed opinion would be.....?

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothin and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.

If I throw a stick will you leave??

YOU!.... Off my planet!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

The bible was written by the same people who said the earth was flat.

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made, others will be blamed.

Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.

A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.

Whatever look you were going for, you missed.

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!

A woman's favorite position is CEO

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!

Too many freaks not enough circuses.

Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

Когда вьехал в дом в первый день, ну обмыли, всё как положено... Друзья разьехались, остался один, есче естественно добавил.
Первая ночь, один в доме, в спальне, лежу на полу (мебель есче непривезли)
Просыпаюсь ночью... Полнейшая темнота... Ничево невидно в 5 сантиметрах перед глазами...
Единственное што вижу ето звёзды над головой... :)
Первая мысля-крышу свиснули... Ну што за дела вообше...
Немного подумал - Ну всё, думаю "Белочка" пришла незаметно -пить меньше надо было в молодости...
Подумал пару минут и опять уснул...

Наутро все об етом думал, никак успакоится немог....
А обьяснение пришло само собой.... При просмотре потолка...
Комната где я спал была когдато детской... И были наклеены на потолок наленькие наклеики звёздочек со светяшийся в темноте краской. При свету невидно, только белый потолок видно, а в темноте звёзды ...

Изза такой глупости чуть пить небросил :)

Как Помыть кошку или што делать если вас (как и меня, от души "достал" "Рысёнок - the moderator" :)

1. Хорошо и полностью почистите туалет.
2. Добавьте требуемое количество шампуня к туалетной воде, и поднимите обе крышки.
3. Возьмите Кота (Рысёнка), и успокойте его, в то время как Вы несете его к ванной.
4. Одним гладким движении, поместите кота (Рысёнка) в туалет, и закройте обе крышки (Вы может быть придётся встать на крышку так, чтобы он не мог убегать). ПРЕДОСТЕРЕЖЕНИЕ: Не помещаите любую часть вашего тела слишком близко к краю, поскольку его лапы будут протягиваться для чего - нибудь, что они могут находить. Кот (Рысёнок) самоволнует и будет делать вполне достаточную пену. Не берите в голову шумы, которые прибывают от вашего туалета, кот (Рысёнок) фактически наслаждается этим. Спустите воду в туалете три или четыре раза. Это обеспечивает хорошее "вымываются и полоскание " которое очень важно в етом деле...
5. Сделайте так, чтобы кто-то открыл дверь на улицу и гарантировал, что нет никаких людей между туалетом и внешней дверью.
6. Стойте позади туалета, насколько штобы Вы смогли быстро поднять обе крышки и быстро откройте их...
7. Теперь чистый кот вылетит как ракета из туалета и бежать наулицу, где он будет сушить себя.

:) Спасибо за внимание :) Ненадо благодарностей :)

cc: Рысёнок PS. No hard feelings, Man :)

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Меньше года назад был Best Man на свадьбе лучшево друга, встречался он до свадьбы 4 года, 3 из них вместе прожили, а сама свадьба помоему для них была началом конца...
За два года совместной жизни серьёзно они неругались, а когда даже ругались - потом сражу же мирилить.
А сейчас, есче даже года неженаты, а она уже 2 раза от нево уезжала к родителям с вещичками... А он трахает всё што двигается (вклучая мою ех). До свадьбы етово небыло - точно знаю.
Раньше она только и мечтала выйти замуж, а сейчас всеравно както стало, остыла она к нему ....
А он, очень хочет, но есче больше боится развода, как как она ево разденет до трусов...

И ето неедиственные знакомые кто имеет проблемы после свадьбы.

А может нестоит вообще женится/выходить за муж?? Так встречатся, пожить вместе, повеселится и двигаться дальше в разные стороны?
Ведь ето кажется лучше для здоровья и дешевле для кошелька ??? :)

Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car
September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA
In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. “I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads.” Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, “If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I’m willing to pay.”

Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."

Man Arrested for Sexually Assaulting Female Manikin
August 19, 2002 - Georgia, USA
A man resembling a giant kid was arrested Thursday for sexually assaulting a manikin at a women’s fashion outlet store. Store clerks describe how the man made several trips past the manikin, and then went up onto the podium where he commenced to fondle the manikin’s breasts. When questioned about the incident, he said "I couldn't help it, she had the nicest set of tits I’ve seen in a long time."

Impolite Movie Goer Beaten To Death
August 12, 2002 - Michigan, USA
Movie enthusiast Brad Densley was admitted to the emergency room of a local Michigan hospital Thursday evening, and was later pronounced dead. This was after being brutally beaten in a movie theatre for answering his mobile phone during a pivotal moment in the movie's plot. Right away the whimsical monotone song the cell phone rang to immediately started people hissing and moving around in their seats. "As soon as I heard Jingle Bells from across the theatre in mid August, I wanted to hurt someone." said one audience member with a notable look of anger and hatred in his face. But when Mr. Densley then answered the phone, began talking pleasantries in an almost normal voice and proceeded to relay a shopping list to his wife, the audience went absolutely nuts. "It was when he started with the shopping list and he got down to the third item which was, I dunno, milk or something. I really wanted to stick that phone up his ass. Everyone started plowing over rows of seats to get to the guy and ring his neck, including myself." commented one person involved in the beating. "From the moment I saw him in the front lobby I knew he was an arrogant loser from his ill coordinated NY Yankees hat and LA Lakers t-shirt." Stated one man who was able to get a few kidney shots into Mr. Densley before leaving the theatre in disgust on Thursday. When interviewing the wife of Mr. Densley she stated, "This sort of thing has happened before and each time I was beyond embarrassed. But I never thought it would escalate from minor fist fights and kicking matches to the point where he looses his life. I am disappointed that the theatre staff looked the other way and did nothing to prevent my husband's death, with one usher in fact joining in on the beatings." Six men and two women were later charged and sentenced to appear in court, eleven others were issued warnings.

Publisher Releases Guide to Kicking Cats
July 25, 2002 - USA
The 45 page colour instructional book entitled "Kicking Cats" guides men through the process of kicking cats down flights of stairs without repercussions from their spouse or girlfriends. "It isn't as easy as one would think to successfully do and get away with", comments author John Moore. "I was caught numerous times by my at the time girlfriends and eventually became determined to develop a fail-proof process. This book represents years of studying, practicing, research and an estimated 150 test cats. At first I was somewhat alarmed by my dislike for cats, when considering how much my girlfriends and ex-wife liked them. But after talking to scores of other men about my pent up feelings of anger towards cats, I realized I was far from alone. That is why the introduction goes into great detail Читать далее...

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Darwin Award of the Year; Sexual Category, Bleach Blonde Teenage Girl Division.

Acording to reports out of the suburbs of Atlanta, 52 high school students have been suspended for one week for cheating on a high school Chemistry I final.
It seems the school decided to give the tests for all students in a subject at the same time, to prevent students who took the test early in the day from passing answers to students taking the test in the afternoon. More than 450 students were assembled in the gymnasium for the simulations semester final. But some brilliant computer geeks thought they had figured a way to beat the test.
They bought Radio Shack vibrating pagers and disabled the audio alert. Students in on the scam then hid the pagers on their bodies, ready to receive the signals as to the correct answers on the multiple choice test. Three especially brainy students were assigned the task of racing through the test and recording the correct answers on their palms, then going to a car in the school parking lot, where they would compare notes. Once the agreed correct answers were decided, they began to key a surplus UHF walkie-talkie transmitter wired to the car’s battery. The coded signal would set off the vibrating pagers, and viola, all the students in on the scam would have the correct answers.
For example, for question #11, with correct answer C, the coded vibrating signals were 1 – 1 – 3, with the 3 representing the “C” answer. They purposely did not give answers to all the questions, so there would be some distribution of incorrect answers among the scamming students, but at least, everyone had enough answers to pass the test.
Small problem however. Some of the girls decided that, since they didn’t have pockets like the boys did, they would hide the pagers in their underpants. Additionally, if there was ever a suspicion they were cheating, no teacher would dare ask to search in the areas of their underpants! Great idea, but…….
But first a little digression. As many adults know, the sounds of a couple engaging in sexual activity can be very stimulating to others, especially women. Many a wife has been aroused at 3:00 A.M. by the sound of another couple in the hotel room next door.
Back to our story…. Everything was fine when the coded signals were 1 – 1 –3 or perhaps 2 – 2- 1, indicating that the answer to question number 22 was “A.” But by the time the questions and their coded vibrating answers moved into the mid and high 30 series, some of the girls were wiggling and moaning just a bit with every answer. Remember, vibrators in the underpants are usually used for other purposes! There was nothing overreaching mind you, but certainly these were not the sounds one is accustomed to hearing in a Chemistry I final!
Proctors began to rove the room and that only made it worse. Everything would be silent for a minute or two, then all of a sudden, a number of girls would begin breathing more quickly, wiggling in their seats, moaning a bit, even trying to casually “touch themselves,” and of course, it would all happen at the same time… then stop.
It all fell apart when after question 37 and its answer B were quickly followed by the vibrated answer to question 38, and that answer was D. One girl “broke” after #37 and when the answer to #38 came along (3 – 8 – 4), the girls near her couldn’t contain themselves and the it soon spread across the room. Just as some of the girls were recovering, the answer to question 39 came along, and for the first time in many of these young girls lives, the correct answer was "C"; "Multiple Orgasm!"
Of course the boys who knew what was going on started laughing hysterically,,,, and that led to,,,,,,,
Since some of the older teachers didn’t know the difference between orgasm and epilepsy, they were convinced the girls were suffering some sort of seizure. The female school nurse was summoned, inspections were conducted, and the scam was revealed.
The students agreed to quietly accept the one-week suspension, because neither they nor the school wanted the story out!

Cover your stump before you hump.

Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

Don't be silly, protect your willy.

When in doubt, shroud your spout.

Don't be a loner, cover your boner.

You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.

If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.

If you go into heat, package your meat.

Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

The right selection! Protect your erection.

Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

If you really love her, wear a cover.

Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

No glove, No love.

Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.