THINGS THE MOVIES TAUGHT US, PART I
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any part of the building without difficulty
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. The chief of police always shouts.
14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
20. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH> --------------->

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

MEN'S ENGLISH> ------------->
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I am gay

Тут прочитал коменты про учителей и их чувство умора (или отсутствие таково)…
Я неучитель, и нехочу это обсуждать, но вспомнилось мне несколько, на мои вслиад забавних истории из моей студенческой жизни.
Напечатаю одну из них, если понравитиса дайте знать, подкину эсже :)

А было это в техникуме, куда я пошёл после окончания 8 классов в городе-герое ленинграде. (Уехал оттуда, отучившись один год)…
Один мои друг, назвал учителя фискультури дураком… Ну естествено его вигнали с урока, сказали без отца неприхадить… Ну да ладно, что делать, не отца же ташит, а делать штото надо.
Наперириве, стоя у пивново ларька, пья пиво, мне приходит гениальная идеа… Недолго думая, мы (в троем) подходим к ближаишему алкоголику (также мирно пьюшево пиво из кружки (а время - середина 80 годов), Ну мол, дед, выручай – за 3 рублиа… (Тогда деньги били)
Ну дед прикинув, что на 3 рубля, можно заполнить ещё 2 Зх литровие банки пива, одна из которых красовалась в его сетке, согласился.
Ну видок, это отдейних разговор. Друг 180 ростом, В импортних жинцай И свитере…. “Папаша” метр с кепкой ростом, нос размером с лоб, И краснее парених раков, сверкает как у клоуна. Весь грязный, ну да ладно. Пошли.
Ну зашли, ну “Папаша” отдал нам его “сокровише” Зх литровую банку с пивом, мы с мужиками пошли в раздевалку ждать, а “Папашка” с сином пошли к Учителу.
Ну ниважно очем они там говорили (меня там не было, а по рассказам алкаш даже питался ремень виташит, штоби показать как он будет наказывать сына. Но невишло у нево, штани начали спадать)..
Ну а мы с мужиками сидим в раздевалки, И обсуждаем, наш поступок. Ну в Зх литровая банка с пивом, естественно долго в моих руках неудержалась, ну И ладно пустил её по кругу, думаю потом води доем, И разницы неувидишь, пока непопробоуешь.
Ну парня допустили на урок, Да нетут то было.
Папаша вернулся невовремия, в тот момент когда Из полупустой банки с пивом отпивал очередной студент…
Со злобои в глазах, он вихватил сетку с отктитой банкой, ну остатки пива естествено хлинули на пол И окружающих. Ну такой наглости по отношению к алкогольному напитку он не видел в своей жизни. С большим грохотом, он разбил банку в сетке об стену И начал кричать благим матом.
Ну это естественно услышал физрук, И явился, незапилилсаи…


П. С.. Друга моево так И невигнали, хотя хотели. Он своево оться на самом деле привел…
А Физкука мы до конца семестра за свои счёт поилил..
А потом я уехал…

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD: TOP 20 LIST
1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
9. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
10. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
11. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
12. Garbage would take itself out.
13. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
14. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
15. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
17. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
18. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
19. “COPS” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
20. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
21. Bathrooms would have TV's, recliners and remote controls.
22. The candle shops in the mall would sell candles that smell like whiskey and beer.
23. “COPS” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
And prizes to the viewers who:
 Convinces the crooks to go through a crowded indoor shopping mall;
 Convinces the cops to continue pursuit into the mall;
 Gets either the cops, the crooks, or both to get airborne;
 Convinces the crooks to give their address as 1060 West Addison, Chicago, Illinois;
 Gets the cops and the crooks to head-on each other.
24. The Lifetime Channel would feature movies about good-natured guys being tortured by nagging wives, whining girlfriends and evil mothers-in-law - who all get their due at the end after which the good-natured guy cracks open a beer and flips on the football game as the credits roll.
26. Women would have to obtain a license before wearing spandex or short shorts (sorta like conceal carry laws).
27. The TV remote control would mute your girlfriend.

Чевото меногу придумать о чем написать севодня.
Да и времени нет.
Вчера Купил новый пистолет, Kimber Ultra Ten II .45 ACP (кто знает, тот оценит). Stainless steel/Polymer frame, Custom Tritium sight, Custom Adjustible Rear sight, Aluminum Match grade trigger. Дорогия игрушка, но приятная... Вчера разобрал, смазал.... Вот вот приедет друг, поедем на стрелбиже.

Вчера в очередной раз ходил на рыбалку..
Люблю я это дело…

Сейчас децабрь месяц. Вчера вечером стукнуло мне в голову пойти рыбки наловит к завктраку (На ночь, на рыбалку).
Пошёл в магазин, купил коробочку червеи. И сразу же вспомнился советски зоуз, где в славные восмидесятье, я по пол дня с лопатой бегал, как идиот, червеи копал…
А тут, в коробочке, все чисто, цивилизовано. И вы бы видели этих червеи. Не черви а целие змей. Толстие, длиние, откормление… Такие опетитние, можно рыбе позавидовать  Ну да ладно.
Пошёл (вернее поехал к речке). Ну чево то я отвлекся. Поставил машину на берегу, достал стулчик, удочки, пиво, забросил…, цижу пью пиво, кушаю воблу… Тишина, Красота… (Костер жечь нелься), да И нехолодно. Температура около 55 (это примерно +12 по целцию), декабрь месяц, тепло в этом году. Красота… 4 Сома поймал (1 Большой (Сантиметров 75 ), И три небольших (сантиметров по 40)
Задумался, да, так как пошёл один, вспомнилась далекая зима 88 года, моя первая И последня подледная рыбалка в россии (И в жизни).
Под Ленинградом, на финском заливе… Дислокация такова …. Метров 800-900 от берега (кто знает там же мелцо)…Красота… Природа… температура под – 30 по целциу…. Ветер – уроганной сили (как всегда в отритом море). Ширина льда сантиметров 25… А мы с другом идем (студенты), довольные, с полаткой, ледорубом, дровами для костра, водкой, бутербродами…
После первово часа попиток висверлыть дырку во льду (Матерясь И промерзая до трусов), решили что будет лучше если отркоем водку И разожгем костер.
Не тут то было Водку, которую мы положили на лёд когда пришли ( с остальними вешами, думали что ненадолго).
Правильно водка незамерзла (наверное неуспела)… Но природа взлиаза свое… Обе бутылки вместе р рукзаком намертво примерзли ко льду И снегу… Но это уже мелочи. Отодрали, открили но, было эсже одно но.
Ктонибудь когда нибудь пробовал пить водку охлазденую до такой температури???
Правильно, следуушие пиа не минут, под мои громки мат, питался отодрать пластикови стакан, намертво примержий к моим губе. ( с налитой в нем водкой)…
Ну ладно, кожу содрал, но на мороже там же сильной боли нечувствуется. Разожгли костер в железной коструле, отогрели водку, выпили, отогрелись немного. Ну надо опят дырку пилить…
Ещё через 2 часа у нас было 2 дырки, через которую мы решили ловить…
Но, не тут то било….
Все бы хорошо, но кто же знал, что с Питерсково Балтийсково завода имеммо в этом день будут очредной Ледокол на воду спускать… Этово было достаточно штоби все рыбаки (все до одново) (многие бросив все удочни, вещи, палатки) бегом ринулись на берег.
Ну а остальное понятно, пили остатки водки с другими горе-рыбаками, только уже на берегу… Ожидая электрички назад в Питер…

Да..
Память

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law

"After having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat
its flesh." (I'm sure the lamb appreciates that one.)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This law apls applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered aat all times.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex
for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
anywhere else in the WORLD that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
tropical fish stores.
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the
act.
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?)

Хороши сосед тепер. Ранже другои бил, с параноеи на оленеи.
Ему казалось што посреди ночи у нево олени траву шипали, а он висунет шутгун в окно и полит в небо дробьу..
Кому нужна ето трава, лес в ста метрах. А один раз, напилсиа, и у собсвенои машини два колеса прострелил. Потом у мениа машину одалживал .
(Транспорта та у нас никаково). Зхена ево бросила, жалцо чувака... Но сам виноват. Воспитивал ее часто очень, Палкои...
Хорошо хоть дробьу стрелиал, у мениа дом кирпичниы, снену в спалну непрострелиш.
А второи сосед на нево в муниципалитет часто жаловалсиа, а они ничево зделать немогут. Все легално, даже страпх за шум ито нельсиа...
А нови белок подкармивает, добри. В своеи роднои польше небос их жарил и кушал, а тут подкармливает.
А собаки у нево злие, особенно две авчарки.
Летом ми с ним устраивали гонки на сенокосилках.
У нево мошнее, 7.5 лошадиних сил, а у мениа толко 6. но ездиат с однои скоростьу, а бензин у него бистрее кончилсиа :)
А син у нево балван.
Прошлим летом травил кротов димовими шашками. Мозги иметь надо, немог просто яду насипать... А потом у нево на ярде били красние круги на траве, от дима. Низнау потравил ли ково, но сам ходил кашлал.

О сигарах...
Недавно вернулсиа с островов. Давно хотел попробовать кубинские сигари - у нас их непрадоут, ембарго.
Времиа било, курил кубинские, доменицанские, местние.
Ну што сказать, после того как перепробивал все што мог наити, пониал што Америцанские самие лучшие.
Кубинские, по запаху напоминаут когда гориат железнодорожние шпали, пропитание смолои. :) а говориат куба, куба.
:) Кстати што за проблеми у французов с пивом ? Какои идиот додумалсиа добавит сахар в пиво ?? Пить же невосможно...
А ром, иа вам скажу красота.
Толко после 2 стаканов рома, без панча, зриа иа полез под воду с балонами. Как протрезвел, уши стали болеть от давлениа, а болиат болно и долго.
Кто занимаетсиа подводним плаванием, тот знает.

Прочел ленту дневников...
Ну што сказать - Депрессиу нагониает :)
А иа буду писать толко о хорошем, лублу веселие.

Как сказать иа лублу тебиа на разних иазиках: (Исползуите Англиское произношение Англиских букв):

English.........I Love You
Spanish........Te Amo
French.........Je T'aime
German........Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese......Ai Shite Imasu
Italian...........Ti Amo
Chinese........Wo Ai Ni
Swedish.......Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo.........Nagligivaget
Greek...........S'Agapo
Hawaiian.......Aloha Wau la Oe
Irish.............Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew.........Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian........Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian.......Une Te Dua
Finnish.........Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish.........Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian....Se Ret Lay
Persian........Du Stet Daram
Maltese........ien Inhobbok
Catalan........Testimo Molt

Redneck ......Nice Tits :) Only Americans would get this one :)

Хотел спросить, тут по Англиски многие говориать или нет?
Можно писать по Англиски или толко по руски?

Друг, идиот пошутил.
На машину поставил сигнал от грузовика.
Поимау убьу..

Cizhu i dumau na skolko izmenilsia mir za sto let.

Statistika o SSHA 1902 goda

The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47).
Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
One in ten US adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US.
WOW, a shto budet eshe cherez 100 let :)