На именинах у бобра
ворона спиздила кусочек сыра,
На ель ворона всдребездясь
позавтракать уж было собралась,
На ту беду лиса с колонии збежала
за проститутство срок там отбывала
“Голубушка, как хороша, пиздни ка песенку,
давно блатных я песен неслыхала”
Ворона каркнула, во все своё ебало,
сыр выпал, и лиса его сожрала…
… … … … … … … … … …
Мораль той басни такова,
где спиздила там жри сама и нефиг лазать по деревьям

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he really needs A woman will pay $1 for
a $2 item that she doesn't need
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die
Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed Women somehow
deteriorate during the night
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't A man
marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage
and after marriage
Why do women feel that we must talk when there's only 10 seconds left on
the shot/game clock?

DEMOCRAT You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

Как человек науки, скажу вам правду...
Закони науки нераспостраняутся на женшин и то где они хозяиничаут, в часности на кухну....

А мои научние идеи, типа увеличив температуру в двое, сократиш время готовки в половину , пока што тоже неработаут... (Но я нездаус’ :) )

PS. Правда, Пришлось изза етово викинуть вчерашнии ужин... :(

Ктото знает што такое хаш? Нет…
Я узнал вчера…
Друг (so Sredney Asii) угостил когда у нево в гостях бил.
Посадил за стол, поставил тарелку етово хаша, кусок хлеба, бутилку Smirnoff (0.75) И стакан…
Горовит у них традиция била, по утрам Водку, тарелку хаша а потом на работу, И ушел он шашлики дожаревать…
Ну што, Хаш вкустая веш, ничево сказать, очень понравился….
Только обидел я ево, незнал я што надо водки стакан пить (Ну што всять с евреисково интелигента), я всу бутилку випил с хашем пока он там ходил… Пришлось идtи есше две покупать, так как на вечер мало осталось, а вечером есче гости придут.…
А хаш вкусниы, очень понравилсиа…Схто заметил в етом хаше, што я бутилку водки с ним випил И ничево, тоесть вообше ничево, даже жалко перевидении продуkт стало.

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMEN

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfat in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
13:00 Shopping with friends.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist, from a secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club follower by a gentle massage.
17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
19:00 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
21:30 Hot shower. Alone
22:00 Make passionate love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleepin his big, strong arms.


PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Privite jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Budweisers.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink two Bombay martinis.
14:30 Privite jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap
15:15 Late aftenun fishing excursion with topless female crew.
16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249-lbs.
17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland.
19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 oz. New York Strip.
21:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
23:45 Go to bed.
23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

1.MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive
part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2.ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.
3.SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.
4.NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can
speak whole sentences.
5.CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.
6.POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.
7.HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.
8.BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.
9.BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.
10.CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should begrateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
11.FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important thing.
12.PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
13.BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
14.NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.
15.SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it when you
come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to fun and games.
16.INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has spended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is appreciated.
17.SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask : "Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material Читать далее...

Love my country

Let's do some more

Since it's a holiday season, let's poke some more fun at our President!!!

Healthy political humor at it's best

Женская логика?

я сдаусь... Ну немогу болше....

Позвонила старая подруга... Долго необшался...
Проблема с машинеи, незаводилась...
Вишел сосед (Американец), дал подкурить (машине), сказал што нато сменить Battery (Battery по англиски Батареика или Акомулатор (also known as rechargable battery) ...
Не долго думая она поехала на ремонтнуу станциу к руским, которие сказали еи резонно, што надо поменять акомулятор...
Тут та ето и случилось, то што сделало из обезьани человека. Поиавилась мисля... ну и сработала женская логика. Вивод, раз хотят подсунуть какоито акомулатор вместо батареи, ее хотят обманут потому што она женшина, а все мужики козли и жулики :) ...

Как я попал в ету историу???
Звонок по телефону...
Вопрос первии: Mашину завели подкуреванием, полетела Battery, надо ли менят?
Говору надо, вихода нет.
Вопрос второи: А што надо, другая батарея или акомулатор ??? ...
Ето меня насторожило. Секунду подумав, вопрошаушим тоном я медлено произнес акомулятор....
После неболшои паузи, следуушии вопрос:, А зачем мне второи акомулятор когда у мениа батарея полетела... .
Ну штоби ви сказали??? Мои обясненя што ето одно и тоже, и што в машине один акомулатор (онже батареа) и што два их толко в танке длились на протяжении 5 минут, но закончлись успехом (на мои взглиад)..
Отдав телефон слоеи лучшеи половине, я на стал заниматсиа своими делами...
Но, краем уха слишу их разговор...
Подруга видимо решила уточнить у моеи, если я сказал правду насчет акомулиатора и батареи одним и темже, потому што я услишал гениалнуу фразы от своеи половини (котораиа часто видит мои зад в гараже) :
Акомулатор ето такаиа тяжолая коробочка с блестиаше етикеткои с верху и "раз он (тоесть я) сказал што надо акомулатор, значит акомулатор лучше чем батарея, (Следите за ходом мисли) а раз сказал што обязателно надо, то лучше купить а не без нево ездить...
Сработало на все сто. Тема била закрита, и меня ешше раз поблагодарили за совет...
Жизн продолжаетсиа...

PS: Интересно, далеко би она уехала без акомулятора