Куда мир катится? Подумать даже страшно...

Пилесос мои взял и сломался севодня...

6 лет исправно работал, а тут натебе....

Куда мир катится???...

Один соотечественик (москвич) прибежал весь улибаусииша,
загадал загадку:
(Ne для женшин и детеи до 16)

На хуе лежит снежинка. Как сказать без мата?

Ответ: НаКонец зима пришла :)
Тyпо но смешно...

Извеняусь за мат, вообшето я неругаусь

Мои личние наблудения за годи имиграции, на тот счет как узнать откуда человек приехал ...

Если слишиш мат когда человек здоровается (даже с лучшим другом) - точно москва ( и неможет бить ошибки).

Если знает што такое паребрик - с Ленинграда (есче ленинградци считаут (не за зря) себя самими образованими).

Пресутствие в речи слова “левии” И букви “х” место “г” - Украина

Если називает полителеновии пакет "кулек" – Восточная украина.

Попитки сказат’ целое предложение одним словом – Закарпат’е…

Если когда говорят Одэса, поправляют на Одеса -100% с Одэси.

Если називает веши в обиходе типа Каструля - Каструлчик, Помидор - Помидорчик – точно Ташкент.

Грузин вичеслить легко, по гласним и знакам в их речи.

Странно говорят букву "Р" и “Е” - бившии житель Баку....

Когда здоровается, с силои хлопает по плечу – Сибиряк

Если витягиваут букву А, Л или С - то советская прибалтика….

Викрикиваут каждое первое слово в предложении - Армения

Окаут (как в москве), но говорят без мата и почти без интонации- Минкс

Вчера бил мои.
Стал на год старше, теперь мне 29.
Должен по идее бить хорошим празником…
Но все што могло случится нетак, случилось
Проснулся от едково дима во всем доме…
Как оказалось, приехали ко мне родители, И решили утром-ранним попить чаику…
Поставили чаиник И закрились в комнате штоби посмотреть телевизор И нас (меня И моу гирлфриенд) неразбудить…
чаиник такои прозрачнии бил (из кварцевово стекла) с чернои пластмассовои крижкои… Та кришка И расплавиласч во внутр’ чаиника, когда вода википела испуская белии дим с едким запахом….
Ето уже трети чаиник на счету у моеим мами….
У первово (железново) она отбила носик случаино долбанув ево об раковину…
У второво (алуминиево) она пробила дно насквозь, питаясь забит’ им кручок в стену… (Зхеншини, нет штоб меня позвать, я давно для таких целеи молоток имеу)…
Короче вчера в микровае воду грели… (У нас “голубие” закони, все промтоварние магазини по воскресениям закрити)
Теперь думаю електрическии купить, пластиковии, или в каструле воду греть.
Об остальном раскажу позже, идти надо.
Later

Палестинскии умор --- Цхево тут смешново ?

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Bedtimes," delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it.
Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on floppy disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on all your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program the auto dial on your phone so that you can call only 1-800 numbers. This virus will also mix antifreeze with water in your fish tank.
It will drink ALL your beer. It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a bathtub filled with water. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
If you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this to everyone you know.

If you are a blonde, this is a joke

"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU." Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE." Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Translated:* "Oh, p-lease don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is! In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy! Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted, You don't get any points for doing something she expects....Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Sample Duties
You make the bed....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1
You throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets....-1
You leave the toilet seat up ....-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty....0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex....-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings....+5
But return with beer....-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night....0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's nothing....0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's something....+5
You pummel it with a six iron (golf club)....+10
It's her father....-10

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy....-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer....-6
Tiffany has brest implants....-8

A Night Out
You take her to a movie....+2
You take her to a movie she likes....+4
You take her to a movie you hate....+6
You take her to a movie you like....-2
It's called Death Cop 3....-3
Which features cyborgs having sex....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly....-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts....-30
You say "I don't care because you have one too"....-800

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip....-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost....-10
You end up getting lost in the bad part of town....-15
You end up getting lost in the bad part of town and met the locals up close and personal....-25
You know them....-60

The Big Question
She asks, " Do I look fat?"....-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in esponding....
-10
You reply, "Where?"....-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression....0
When she wants to talk, you listen for over 30 minutes....+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+15

Слово "поребрик"

Вроде такое простое слово, но
Вчера пили и я спорил с друзьями из бившево Советсково соуза (я один из питера, остальние москва, киев, баку, бобруиск, ульяновск, ташкент) на тот чет есть ли в руском язике слово поребрик....

Кто нибудь кроме меня знает што оно значит или ето деиствительно слово толко исполжуемое в Питере???
Потому што на мое удивление никто незнал што ето такое и никогда неслишал етово слова?

If you're looking for a new house, here are some helpful translations of descriptions in Real Estate ads:

Sophisticated city living - Next to a noisy bar.
Old World Charm - Has some woodwork, needs cleaning.
Contemporary feeling - Has no woodwork, needs cleaning.
Close to Lakes - Impossible to park from April to October.
Wide open floor plan - Previous owner removed supporting walls.
Security System - Neighbor has a dog.
Need TLC - Major structural damage.
Updated kitchen - Sink no longer overflows.
Motivated seller - Has been on the market for 14 years.
Convenient - Located on freeway entrance ramp.
Mint - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
Neutral decor - No murals of nudes, or Elvis, but has brown walls.
Move in condition - Front door missing.
Cozy - No room larger than 9' x 6'.
Lower level family room - Ping Pong table over sewer opening.

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Herbalife or Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Pokeman.
6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
7. A court security guard begins shaving your head.
8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."
12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Jesse Jackson.
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 11:25 AM."
16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
18. His flat fee is $2,500 for your case, BUT he will give you double your many back if he wins your case.
19. The name of his law firm is Goldberg, Goldman, Mandlebaum, and Cohen. His name is Pedro Jesus Sanchez.

Lesson number one ...
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson number two ...
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson number three ...
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain
said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.<

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral

Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that flatulence is funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave a lot of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.

Microsoft has announced the release of a special Ebonics version of Windows XP, titled "IT BE A FRESH WINDOW." There are numerous differences between standard Windows XP and the Ebonics version. For example, when opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced with a "phat getto track that melts 'em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall along with several gangsta signs, slogans, and "shout outs".
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit." The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster. If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced with "Da
Hood." Users have their choice of two animated screen savers "Marquee,"
a lil' G spray painting dirty words that move across the screen; or "Flying Bullets," a '64 Olds' loaded with gangstas oing a desktop drive by.
Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:
1. Break Back In = Re-entry
2. Aww Shit, = Error
3. Itz All Good = OK
4. 4 Real Doe =Yes
5. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
6. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
7. R U Crazy = Are You Sure
8. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
9. Put A Cap In It = Delete
10. Games & Shit = Programs
11. Letter Shit = Documents
The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled "Homie Essentials." The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:
1. Dat Thang = File
2. I Be Seein' It = View
3. Put Sumpin In = Insert
4. Hook It Up = Format
5. Stuff I Ain't gone Need =Tools
6. Number Shit = Table
7. Break In = Window
8. What Da Fuck??? = Help
Note: "Stuff I ain't gone need" (Tools) does not include spelling or
grammar check options, cuz they won't get used anyway. And Auto Correct has been replaced with "Keepin' it Real".

В то время как болшая часть мира уже отпразновала новии год и уже идеть спать, ми есше в ожидании етово главново празника года. Есче почти 3 часа ждать...
Первие отпразновали родсвеники в Израиле. Позвонили, поздравили..
Потом друзья в Росии... Поздравили по е-маил
Потом родственики в Германии, тоже звонили.

Да, великая штука разнитца во времени...Нигде так нецуствуется как на интернете, когда почитаеш коментаии тех кто уже отразновал...

У нас,
Родители уже приехали...
Друзьиа есче нет...
Схампанкое в холодилнике, Остальние припаси тоже. Fireworks готови Главное штоби сосед не напилсиа би и не начал палить вверх из шотгун или ешце хуже пистолета или ружиа...

Happy New Year to everyone who is already in 2003.
Happy New Year to everyone who is still in 2002
God Bless

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear-ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.
20. Know than New York drivers are the real cooks and any NJ driver should be "vary" of them:)

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end...drafts are now a dollar, but by
the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)
5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)
6. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)
7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)
8. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)
9. "DO YOU HAVE ANY EVERCLEAR?"
(I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him
in the morning.)
10. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
11. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)
12. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
13. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (MALE)
(It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking Ѕ hour ago. Hell, I
probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is
the least you can do for me.)
14. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
15. I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME. (MALE)
(I'm horny.)
16. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert
at diverting attention.)
17. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
18. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)
19. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me; just get the hell out of my
way.)
20. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You're
certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a ho...And get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you like the slut you are, bitch.)
21. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
22. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 17.)
23. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a .4 after my last visit here.)
24. "NO, REALLY, I'M OK TO DRIVE."
(I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see whom I am going home with.)
25. "I'M NOT USED TO THESE DARTS."
(I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when
I am this bombed.)
26. "LET'S GO OUT TO MY CAR AND GET SOME CIGARETTES." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(You would look great face down in my lap.)
27. "I'VE HAD LIKE 10 BEERS ALREADY."
(I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.)
28. "YOU GO AHEAD, I'LL CATCH A CAB."
(I already lined up a ride home with your 'ex'.)

Happy New Years Everyone!!!

Best Wishes for You and Your families....

Let all your wishes come true this 2003 year....

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism -- to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.