Мисли вслух
Какби незабить каждие две-три минути спускатся и смотреть за моим жаряшимся ужином...Так хочется покушать домашнево и самое главное незгоревшево в первии раз ...
А то пизза или сангвичез покупние уже достали, а томашние угли в какои раз жрать тоже нетянет...
Жизнь... А то гирлфриенд толко в завтра приедет...

1. Ask your observer if he wants to race.
2. Wear a diaper.
3. Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.
3. Inquire about a "take home cup."
4. Get your privates stuck in your zipper.
5. After four-and-a-half hours of holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.
6. When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."
7. When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.
8. Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.
9. Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.
10. Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.
11. Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.
12. Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)
13. Wear a condom

Ох, наконец то фотографиу ввел :)

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2052.
50 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2051.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
University of Michigan creates special admissions category for white US citizen males with 4.0 high school grade-point average. ACLU threatens lawsuit.

Any more?

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

I started out with nothing....I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

FLYING AGAIN SOON?

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."
8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."
12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

On some air bases, the Air Force uses one side while the other side is for civilian aircraft, with the tower in the middle.

Aircraft to tower: What time is it?
Tower to aircraft: Please identify yourself.
Aircraft to tower: Why does that matter?
Tower to aircraft: What time it is depends on who you are:
If you're a commercial flight, it's 3:00 pm.
If you're Air Force, it's 1500 hours.
If you're a Navy aircraft, it's 6 bells.
If you're Army, the little hand is on the three and the big hand is on the twelve.
If you're a Marine, it's Thursday afternoon.

Top 10 Amish Pick-up Lines:

10. Are thee at barn-raisings often?
9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number.
8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is "Witness" too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace quiet.
3. They buggy has a bitchin' lacquer job.
2. I got Sinatra tickets.
1. Are thee up for some plowing?

Top 10 Amish spring break activities:

1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk keggar
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6:00 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked

10 signs that an Amish teenager is going bad...

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards!

26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this< will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.
45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Сижу и думау каким би мне хобби занятся???
чем то новим и интересним...

Посоветуите што нибудь, пожалуста...

Севодня у нас в стране празник, День Негра…
(Для непонятливих день рождения Мартин Лутер Кинга)…

А чем он отличается от обичново рабочево дня???
Ничем, так как севодня как и в лубои другои рабочи день, белие пашут, а черние нихрена неделаут:)

:)

да ну блин... Какои идиот додумался в упаковки с замороженои пицеи засовивать купони... Мои поидите на интернете на наш саит, зарегистрируитесь, заполните анкету и можете штото вииграть...

Пошел, заполнил.. Невииграл...
Да ну блин, тоже мне соревнования устроили...
Проиграл блин, все сгорело пока ихнеу ... анкету заполнял...

ну денек ...

BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE: Written by a woman
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - so if you get one, be grateful
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face
4. Extension to rule #3 - NO, I DON'T have to swallow
5. My ears are not handles
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really
WANT me to puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to rule #8 -"Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls
- if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you play video games immediately afterwards
is highly unadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it is probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.
See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV
15. When you hear your friend complain about how they don't get blowjobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize
or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning"

MAN'S REPLY TO Woman's B.J. ETIQUETTE
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoonful of cream is a hell of a lot easier than
licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair
5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth because you won't have any.
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterwards.
7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning .
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9. You bitch about the taste, but believe me when I tell you we get the shit
end of the stick in flavor country.
10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
11. Play with the balls
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better
13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally useless.
14. Caress the ass too, we like that
15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, ah
gah-rone-tee it'll be "sound asleep"
16. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?
17. Come to think of it, maybe I will jerk off & leave you alone. I do it better myself anyway!

Звонила мать Стива...
Он приежает с Афгана на 4 дня, а потом опять уедет, сам помоему незнает куда (или знает но неговорит Матери, штоб непугать, помну што в прошлии раз било)... Уже полтора года дома небил, а все шатался по миру... после boot camp at Fort Brags, SC - япониа, Кореа, филипини, германиа, афганистан....
Как говорит Стив, путешествуи по миру, смотру разние страни, лубуися разними культурами, знакомся с разними лудьми - и убиваи их Нах..и. :)

А вообше в Армии ему нравится... Он еше со школи хотеи Армиу зделать своеи карьерои...
Толко в Monterey Language school ево невзяли, акцент у нево в руском (спасибо ево родине Одессе), а болше язиков он незнает..., так што на военново переводчика он непотянул ...

Так то
PS Опять упьемся, как и в прошлии раз.

купил новии пилесос....
На етот раз местново производства... и без шедевров германсково пилесосастоения обошлись на етот раз...(смотри историу ниже)...
Kenmorе... супер тихии с радиом... во блин техника.:) правда тяжолии как чугуннии утуг
Сеичас поиду обмоу, а потом гирлфриенд придет, испитивать будет...
счастья полние штани :)

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. We never ejaculate prematurely.
4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
5. When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow-up doll it's pathetic.
6. Our boy friend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous -guys look like complete idiots in ours.
7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
10. Taxis stop for us.
11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
13. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free moving (you get the point).
14. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
15. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
16. We know The Truth about whether size matters.
17. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
18. If we have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, we're not the devil.
19. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
20. If we're not making enough money we can blame the glass ceiling.
21. We can sleep our way to the top.
22. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
23. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
24. No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.
25. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
26. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're being emotionally neglected.
27. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
28. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
29. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her ass.
30. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
31. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
32. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
33. We don't have to memorize the movies Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
34. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
35. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
36. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without have to picture them naked.
37. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like idiots.
38. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
39. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
40. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
41. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
42. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
43. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.
44. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30 harsh things a Woman can say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

Бил такои военрук - (Если жив, даи бог ему здоровья, если нет - земля ему
пухом)...
В звании он бил подполковника, прослуживши в подводних воисках болше 40
лет. По ево личним расказам, сначала на дизельних подводних лодках, а
потом на атомних...
Лет ему било в то время под 70 (eto bilo v konce 1980h), но на свои возраст физическое состояние у нево било ничево, хоть и мозги брали "перериви" во время ево нелегково
занятиа, тоесть обучения молодих конструкторов и инженеров советсково
воеенно москово флота а также зашитников родини...
Из своих более 40 лет служениу Советскому соузу, единственное што ему
замонилось ето как они делали прививки кореицам от оспи (или есше чево уж
непомьну)....
Непропускал он ни единово урока, штоб нерасказать нам какая же умная
нациа, ети кореици... Руские врачи сидели значит в палатках, а кореици
засовивали левуу руку в окно палатки, а руские им прививку туда делали
... в чем ум состоялся: кореици обходили по кругу, и засовивали правуу
руку в окошко напротив, на есше одну прививку (ну вдруг первая
несработает).... А руские никак немогли понять почему медицаментов
хватило толко на половину кореицев... Ну да ладно....
А вторая историа про нево которая ходила, ето значит пригал он с
парашутом [надеусь не со своеи подводнои лодки :), а с самолета (конечно
помня как он бил предан советскому соузу, он би и со спутника би
пригнул] ... Летит он значит, дергает за кольцо.... А тут беда,
Парашут нераскривается... Дергает за второе, витаскивает запаснои
парашут... а он отцепился и улетел в верх.... Беда... Смертьу
пахнет...Летит он прямиком в лес, с висоти 2400 метров.... Деревья бистро
увеличивауться перед ево глазами.... Ну думает все, кришка... Но повезло
человеку - упал на полянку... На травку (дело значит летом било)...
Ударился головои об землу... жив, здоров, даже сотрясения мозга нет, вот
сломал толко палец на левои ноге ...
А знаече почему сотрясения мозга небило ???
Да потому што оффицеру советскои армии иметь мозги - болшая превилегия :)