Настроение сейчас - tired

i find it so hard to write nowdays. its like there is a vital element missing. at work i have to write under a lot of special style rules and constraints, no passive voice, no future tense, american spelling - eugh. and since all i do is write write write all day long... writing for pleasure does not seem so pleasurable... but today seems different. the weather was strange today. dark and threatening but somehow special... the light, though grey, was very warm. slushy slushy slushy boots walking through dirt and snow, stumbling here and there... i was so close to falling at least five times today... swearing under my breath i kept up the pace though, not really looking where i was going, just walking as quickly as i could...

this early spring always makes me feel so lonely... i know i am not alone, but i am in such a need of physical contact and warmth... and its so rare... even when i come home all i get is my mother scowling at me... but father is being nice, i guess he understands... i find it hard getting along with her... i really am considering finding a room of my own, but i am not making enough money at the moment to afford something "liveable"...

work seems ok, i am easing into it, sometimes its hard work, but its interesting enough and it gives me the routine i so wanted... i feel there are still so many issues that i have left unresolved... and perhaps i am just "pushing it all back into the closet"... maybe thats not the right way... but how the fuck am i supposed to know whats right... i want some quiet happiness... i want some quiet love... i want him next to me sleeping quietly...