SCENE

Garden at the Manor House. A flight of grey stone steps leads
up to the house. The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses.
Time of year, July. Basket chairs, and a table covered with books,
are set under a large yew-tree.

[Miss Prism discovered seated at the table. Cecily
is at the back watering flowers.]

Miss Prism. [Calling.] Cecily, Cecily! Surely
such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton’s
duty than yours? Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures
await you. Your German grammar is on the table. Pray open
it at page fifteen. We will repeat yesterday’s lesson.

Cecily. [Coming over very slowly.] But I don’t
like German. It isn’t at all a becoming language.
I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson.

Miss Prism. Child, you know how anxious your guardian
is that you should improve yourself in every way. He laid particular
stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday. Indeed,
he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town.

Cecily. Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious! Sometimes
he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well.

Miss Prism. [Drawing herself up.] Your guardian
enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially
to be commended in one so comparatively young as he is. I know
no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility.

Cecily. I suppose that is why he often looks a littlebored when we three are together.

Miss Prism. Cecily! I am surprised at you.
Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life. Idle merriment and
triviality would be out of place in his conversation. You must
remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother.

Cecily. I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate
young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes. We might
have a good influence over him, Miss Prism. I am sure you certainly
would. You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence
a man very much. [Cecily begins to write in her diary.]

Miss Prism. [Shaking her head.] I do not think
that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to
his own brother’s admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating.
Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him. I am
not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good
people at a moment’s notice. As a man sows so let him reap.
You must put away your diary, Cecily. I really don’t see
why you should keep a diary at all.

Cecily. I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful
secrets of my life. If I didn’t write them down, I should
probably forget all about them.

Miss Prism. Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that
we all carry about with us.

Cecily. Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that
have never happened, and couldn’t possibly have happened.
I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume
novels that Mudie sends us.

Miss Prism. Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume
novel, Cecily. I wrote one myself in earlier days.

Cecily. Did you really, Miss Prism? How wonderfully
clever you are! I hope it did not end happily? I don’t
like novels that end happily. They depress me so much.

Miss Prism. The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily.
That is what Fiction means.

Cecily. I suppose so. But it seems very unfair.
And was your novel ever published?

Miss Prism. Alas! no. The manuscript unfortunately
was abandoned. [Cecily starts.] I use the word in
the sense of lost or mislaid. To your work, child, these speculations
are profitless.

Cecily. [Smiling.] But I see dear Dr. Chasuble
coming up through the garden.

Miss Prism. [Rising and advancing.] Dr. Chasuble!
This is indeed a pleasure.

[Enter Canon Chasuble.]

Chasuble. And how are we this morning? Miss Prism,
you are, I trust, well?

Cecily. Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight
headache. I think it would do her so much good to have a short
stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.

Miss Prism. Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about
a headache.

Cecily. No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt
instinctively that you had a headache. Indeed I was thinking about
that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in.

Chasuble. I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.

Cecily. Oh, I am afraid I am.

Chasuble. That is strange. Were I fortunate enough
to be Miss Prism’s pupil, I would hang upon her lips. [Miss
Prism glares.] I spoke metaphorically.—My metaphor was
drawn from bees. Ahem! Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not
returned from town yet?

Miss Prism. We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.

Chasuble. Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday
in London. He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment,
as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to
be. But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer.

Miss Prism. Egeria? My name is Lætitia,
Doctor.

Chasuble. [Bowing.] A classical allusion merely,
drawn from the Pagan authors. I shall see you both no doubt at
Evensong?

Miss Prism. I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll
with you. I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might
do it good.

Chasuble. With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure.
We might go as far as the schools and back.

Miss Prism. That would be delightful. Cecily,
you will read your Political Economy in my absence. The chapter
on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit. It is somewhat too sensational.
Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.

[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble.]

Cecily. [Picks up books and throws them back on table.]
Horrid Political Economy! Horrid Geography! Horrid, horrid
German!

[Enter Merriman with a card on a salver.]

Merriman. Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from
the station. He has brought his luggage with him.

Cecily. [Takes the card and reads it.] ‘Mr.
Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.’ Uncle Jack’s
brother! Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?

Merriman. Yes, Miss. He seemed very much disappointed.
I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden. He said
he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.

Cecily. Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here.
I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.

Merriman. Yes, Miss.

[Merriman goes off.]

Cecily. I have never met any really wicked person before.
I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like
every one else.

[Enter Algernon, very gay and debonnair.] He does!

Algernon. [Raising his hat.] You are my little
cousin Cecily, I’m sure.

Cecily. You are under some strange mistake. I
am not little. In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall
for my age. [Algernon is rather taken aback.] But
I am your cousin Cecily. You, I see from your card, are Uncle
Jack’s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.

Algernon. Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin
Cecily. You mustn’t think that I am wicked.

Cecily. If you are not, then you have certainly been
deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner. I hope you have
not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really
good all the time. That would be hypocrisy.

Algernon. [Looks at her in amazement.] Oh!
Of course I have been rather reckless.

Cecily. I am glad to hear it.

Algernon. In fact, now you mention the subject, I have
been very bad in my own small way.

Cecily. I don’t think you should be so proud of
that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.

Algernon. It is much pleasanter being here with you.

Cecily. I can’t understand how you are here at
all. Uncle Jack won’t be back till Monday afternoon.

Algernon. That is a great disappointment. I am
obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning. I have
a business appointment that I am anxious . . . to miss?

Cecily. Couldn’t you miss it anywhere but in London?

Algernon. No: the appointment is in London.

Cecily. Well, I know, of course, how important it is
not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense
of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle
Jack arrives. I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.

Algernon. About my what?

Cecily. Your emigrating. He has gone up to buy
your outfit.

Algernon. I certainly wouldn’t let Jack buy my
outfit. He has no taste in neckties at all.

Cecily. I don’t think you will require neckties.
Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.

Algernon. Australia! I’d sooner die.

Cecily. Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night,
that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and
Australia.

Algernon. Oh, well! The accounts I have received
of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging.
This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.

Cecily. Yes, but are you good enough for it?

Algernon. I’m afraid I’m not that.
That is why I want you to reform me. You might make that your
mission, if you don’t mind, cousin Cecily.

Cecily. I’m afraid I’ve no time, this afternoon.

Algernon. Well, would you mind my reforming myself this
afternoon?

Cecily. It is rather Quixotic of you. But I think
you should try.

Algernon. I will. I feel better already.

Cecily. You are looking a little worse.

Algernon. That is because I am hungry.

Cecily. How thoughtless of me. I should have remembered
that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular
and wholesome meals. Won’t you come in?

Algernon. Thank you. Might I have a buttonhole
first? I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.

Cecily. A Marechal Niel? [Picks up scissors.]

Algernon. No, I’d sooner have a pink rose.

Cecily. Why? [Cuts a flower.]

Algernon. Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.

Cecily. I don’t think it can be right for you
to talk to me like that. Miss Prism never says such things to
me.

Algernon. Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady.
[Cecily puts the rose in his buttonhole.] You are the prettiest
girl I ever saw.

Cecily. Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.

Algernon. They are a snare that every sensible man would
like to be caught in.

Cecily. Oh, I don’t think I would care to catch
a sensible man. I shouldn’t know what to talk to him about.

[They pass into the house. Miss Prism and Dr. Chasuble
return.]

Miss Prism. You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble.
You should get married. A misanthrope I can understand—a
womanthrope, never!

Chasuble. [With a scholar’s shudder.] Believe
me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase. The precept as well
as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.

Miss Prism. [Sententiously.] That is obviously
the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present
day. And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently
remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels
astray.

Chasuble. But is a man not equally attractive when married?

Miss Prism. No married man is ever attractive except
to his wife.

Chasuble. And often, I’ve been told, not even
to her.

Miss Prism. That depends on the intellectual sympathies
of the woman. Maturity can always be depended on. Ripeness
can be trusted. Young women are green. [Dr. Chasuble
starts.] I spoke horticulturally. My metaphor was drawn
from fruits. But where is Cecily?

Chasuble. Perhaps she followed us to the schools.

[Enter Jack slowly from the back of the garden. He is
dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.]

Miss Prism. Mr. Worthing!

Chasuble. Mr. Worthing?

Miss Prism. This is indeed a surprise. We did
not look for you till Monday afternoon.

Jack. [Shakes Miss Prism’s hand in a tragic
manner.] I have returned sooner than I expected. Dr. Chasuble,
I hope you are well?

Chasuble. Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe
does not betoken some terrible calamity?

Jack. My brother.

Miss Prism. More shameful debts and extravagance?

Chasuble. Still leading his life of pleasure?

Jack. [Shaking his head.] Dead!

Chasuble. Your brother Ernest dead?

Jack. Quite dead.

Miss Prism. What a lesson for him! I trust he
will profit by it.

Chasuble. Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence.
You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the
most generous and forgiving of brothers.

Jack. Poor Ernest! He had many faults, but it
is a sad, sad blow.

Chasuble. Very sad indeed. Were you with him at
the end?

Jack. No. He died abroad; in Paris, in fact.
I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.

Chasuble. Was the cause of death mentioned?

Jack. A severe chill, it seems.

Miss Prism. As a man sows, so shall he reap.

Chasuble. [Raising his hand.] Charity, dear Miss
Prism, charity! None of us are perfect. I myself am peculiarly
susceptible to draughts. Will the interment take place here?

Jack. No. He seems to have expressed a desire
to be buried in Paris.

Chasuble. In Paris! [Shakes his head.] I
fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last.
You would no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic
domestic affliction next Sunday. [Jack presses his hand
convulsively.] My sermon on the meaning of the manna in the wilderness
can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the present
case, distressing. [All sigh.] I have preached it at harvest
celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and
festal days. The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral,
as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent
among the Upper Orders. The Bishop, who was present, was much
struck by some of the analogies I drew.

Jack. Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings
I think, Dr. Chasuble? I suppose you know how to christen all
right? [Dr. Chasuble looks astounded.] I mean, of
course, you are continually christening, aren’t you?

Miss Prism. It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector’s
most constant duties in this parish. I have often spoken to the
poorer classes on the subject. But they don’t seem to know
what thrift is.

Chasuble. But is there any particular infant in whom
you are interested, Mr. Worthing? Your brother was, I believe,
unmarried, was he not?

Jack. Oh yes.

Miss Prism. [Bitterly.] People who live entirely
for pleasure usually are.

Jack. But it is not for any child, dear Doctor.
I am very fond of children. No! the fact is, I would like to be
christened myself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do.

Chasuble. But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened
already?

Jack. I don’t remember anything about it.

Chasuble. But have you any grave doubts on the subject?

Jack. I certainly intend to have. Of course I
don’t know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you
think I am a little too old now.

Chasuble. Not at all. The sprinkling, and, indeed,
the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice.

Jack. Immersion!

Chasuble. You need have no apprehensions. Sprinkling
is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable. Our weather
is so changeable. At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed?

Jack. Oh, I might trot round about five if that would
suit you.

Chasuble. Perfectly, perfectly! In fact I have
two similar ceremonies to perform at that time. A case of twins
that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate.
Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.

Jack. Oh! I don’t see much fun in being
christened along with other babies. It would be childish.
Would half-past five do?

Chasuble. Admirably! Admirably! [Takes out
watch.] And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer
into a house of sorrow. I would merely beg you not to be too much
bowed down by grief. What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings
in disguise.

Miss Prism. This seems to me a blessing of an extremely
obvious kind.

[Enter Cecily from the house.]

Cecily. Uncle Jack! Oh, I am pleased to see you
back. But what horrid clothes you have got on! Do go and
change them.

Miss Prism. Cecily!

Chasuble. My child! my child! [Cecily goes
towards Jack; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.]

Cecily. What is the matter, Uncle Jack? Do look
happy! You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a
surprise for you. Who do you think is in the dining-room?
Your brother!

Jack. Who?

Cecily. Your brother Ernest. He arrived about
half an hour ago.

Jack. What nonsense! I haven’t got a brother.

Cecily. Oh, don’t say that. However badly
he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother.
You couldn’t be so heartless as to disown him. I’ll
tell him to come out. And you will shake hands with him, won’t
you, Uncle Jack? [Runs back into the house.]

Chasuble. These are very joyful tidings.

Miss Prism. After we had all been resigned to his loss,
his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing.

Jack. My brother is in the dining-room? I don’t
know what it all means. I think it is perfectly absurd.

[Enter Algernon and Cecily hand in hand. They
come slowly up to Jack.]

Jack. Good heavens! [Motions Algernon away.]

Algernon. Brother John, I have come down from town to
tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you,
and that I intend to lead a better life in the future. [Jack
glares at him and does not take his hand.]

Cecily. Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your
own brother’s hand?

Jack. Nothing will induce me to take his hand.
I think his coming down here disgraceful. He knows perfectly well
why.

Cecily. Uncle Jack, do be nice. There is some
good in every one. Ernest has just been telling me about his poor
invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often. And
surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and
leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.

Jack. Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he?

Cecily. Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury,
and his terrible state of health.

Jack. Bunbury! Well, I won’t have him talk
to you about Bunbury or about anything else. It is enough to drive
one perfectly frantic.

Algernon. Of course I admit that the faults were all
on my side. But I must say that I think that Brother John’s
coldness to me is peculiarly painful. I expected a more enthusiastic
welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here.

Cecily. Uncle Jack, if you don’t shake hands with
Ernest I will never forgive you.

Jack. Never forgive me?

Cecily. Never, never, never!

Jack. Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it.
[Shakes with Algernon and glares.]

Chasuble. It’s pleasant, is it not, to see so
perfect a reconciliation? I think we might leave the two brothers
together.

Miss Prism. Cecily, you will come with us.

Cecily. Certainly, Miss Prism. My little task
of reconciliation is over.

Chasuble. You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear
child.

Miss Prism. We must not be premature in our judgments.

Cecily. I feel very happy. [They all go off except
Jack and Algernon.]

Jack. You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of
this place as soon as possible. I don’t allow any Bunburying
here.

[Enter Merriman.]

Merriman. I have put Mr. Ernest’s things in the
room next to yours, sir. I suppose that is all right?

Jack. What?

Merriman. Mr. Ernest’s luggage, sir. I have
unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own.

Jack. His luggage?

Merriman. Yes, sir. Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case,
two hat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket.

Algernon. I am afraid I can’t stay more than a
week this time.

Jack. Merriman, order the dog-cart at once. Mr.
Ernest has been suddenly called back to town.

Merriman. Yes, sir. [Goes back into the house.]

Algernon. What a fearful liar you are, Jack. I
have not been called back to town at all.

Jack. Yes, you have.

Algernon. I haven’t heard any one call me.

Jack. Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.

Algernon. My duty as a gentleman has never interfered
with my pleasures in the smallest degree.

Jack. I can quite understand that.

Algernon. Well, Cecily is a darling.

Jack. You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that.
I don’t like it.

Algernon. Well, I don’t like your clothes.
You look perfectly ridiculous in them. Why on earth don’t
you go up and change? It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning
for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your
house as a guest. I call it grotesque.

Jack. You are certainly not staying with me for a whole
week as a guest or anything else. You have got to leave . . .
by the four-five train.

Algernon. I certainly won’t leave you so long
as you are in mourning. It would be most unfriendly. If
I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose. I should
think it very unkind if you didn’t.

Jack. Well, will you go if I change my clothes?

Algernon. Yes, if you are not too long. I never
saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.

Jack. Well, at any rate, that is better than being always
over-dressed as you are.

Algernon. If I am occasionally a little over-dressed,
I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.

Jack. Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage,
and your presence in my garden utterly absurd. However, you have
got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey
back to town. This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a
great success for you.

[Goes into the house.]

Algernon. I think it has been a great success.
I’m in love with Cecily, and that is everything.

[Enter Cecily at the back of the garden. She picks up
the can and begins to water the flowers.] But I must see her before
I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury. Ah, there she
is.

Cecily. Oh, I merely came back to water the roses.
I thought you were with Uncle Jack.

Algernon. He’s gone to order the dog-cart for
me.

Cecily. Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?

Algernon. He’s going to send me away.

Cecily. Then have we got to part?

Algernon. I am afraid so. It’s a very painful
parting.

Cecily. It is always painful to part from people whom
one has known for a very brief space of time. The absence of old
friends one can endure with equanimity. But even a momentary separation
from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable.

Algernon. Thank you.

[Enter Merriman.]

Merriman. The dog-cart is at the door, sir. [Algernon
looks appealingly at Cecily.]

Cecily. It can wait, Merriman for . . . five minutes.

Merriman. Yes, Miss. [Exit Merriman.]

Algernon. I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if
I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every
way the visible personification of absolute perfection.

Cecily. I think your frankness does you great credit,
Ernest. If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my
diary. [Goes over to table and begins writing in diary.]

Algernon. Do you really keep a diary? I’d
give anything to look at it. May I?

Cecily. Oh no. [Puts her hand over it.]
You see, it is simply a very young girl’s record of her own thoughts
and impressions, and consequently meant for publication. When
it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy. But pray,
Ernest, don’t stop. I delight in taking down from dictation.
I have reached ‘absolute perfection’. You can go on.
I am quite ready for more.

Algernon. [Somewhat taken aback.] Ahem!
Ahem!

Cecily. Oh, don’t cough, Ernest. When one
is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough. Besides,
I don’t know how to spell a cough. [Writes as Algernon
speaks.]

Algernon. [Speaking very rapidly.] Cecily, ever
since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I
have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.

Cecily. I don’t think that you should tell me
that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.
Hopelessly doesn’t seem to make much sense, does it?

Algernon. Cecily!

[Enter Merriman.]

Merriman. The dog-cart is waiting, sir.

Algernon. Tell it to come round next week, at the same
hour.

Merriman. [Looks at Cecily, who makes no sign.]
Yes, sir.

[Merriman retires.]

Cecily. Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he
knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour.

Algernon. Oh, I don’t care about Jack. I
don’t care for anybody in the whole world but you. I love
you, Cecily. You will marry me, won’t you?

Cecily. You silly boy! Of course. Why, we
have been engaged for the last three months.

Algernon. For the last three months?

Cecily. Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.

Algernon. But how did we become engaged?

Cecily. Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed
to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you
of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself
and Miss Prism. And of course a man who is much talked about is
always very attractive. One feels there must be something in him,
after all. I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love
with you, Ernest.

Algernon. Darling! And when was the engagement
actually settled?

Cecily. On the 14th of February last. Worn out
by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter
one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted
you under this dear old tree here. The next day I bought this
little ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true
lover’s knot I promised you always to wear.

Algernon. Did I give you this? It’s very
pretty, isn’t it?

Cecily. Yes, you’ve wonderfully good taste, Ernest.
It’s the excuse I’ve always given for your leading such
a bad life. And this is the box in which I keep all your dear
letters. [Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied
up with blue ribbon.]

Algernon. My letters! But, my own sweet Cecily,
I have never written you any letters.

Cecily. You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest.
I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for
you. I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener.

Algernon. Oh, do let me read them, Cecily?

Cecily. Oh, I couldn’t possibly. They would
make you far too conceited. [Replaces box.] The three you
wrote me after I had broken of the engagement are so beautiful, and
so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read them without crying
a little.

Algernon. But was our engagement ever broken off?

Cecily. Of course it was. On the 22nd of last
March. You can see the entry if you like. [Shows diary.]
‘To-day I broke off my engagement with Ernest. I feel it
is better to do so. The weather still continues charming.’

Algernon. But why on earth did you break it off?
What had I done? I had done nothing at all. Cecily, I am
very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off. Particularly when
the weather was so charming.

Cecily. It would hardly have been a really serious engagement
if it hadn’t been broken off at least once. But I forgave
you before the week was out.

Algernon. [Crossing to her, and kneeling.] What
a perfect angel you are, Cecily.

Cecily. You dear romantic boy. [He kisses her,
she puts her fingers through his hair.] I hope your hair curls
naturally, does it?

Algernon. Yes, darling, with a little help from others.

Cecily. I am so glad.

Algernon. You’ll never break off our engagement
again, Cecily?

Cecily. I don’t think I could break it off now
that I have actually met you. Besides, of course, there is the
question of your name.

Algernon. Yes, of course. [Nervously.]

Cecily. You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had
always been a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was
Ernest. [Algernon rises, Cecily also.] There
is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence.
I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.

Algernon. But, my dear child, do you mean to say you
could not love me if I had some other name?

Cecily. But what name?

Algernon. Oh, any name you like—Algernon—for
instance . . .

Cecily. But I don’t like the name of Algernon.

Algernon. Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling,
I really can’t see why you should object to the name of Algernon.
It is not at all a bad name. In fact, it is rather an aristocratic
name. Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are
called Algernon. But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] .
. . if my name was Algy, couldn’t you love me?

Cecily. [Rising.] I might respect you, Ernest,
I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able
to give you my undivided attention.

Algernon. Ahem! Cecily! [Picking up hat.]
Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice
of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church?

Cecily. Oh, yes. Dr. Chasuble is a most learned
man. He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how
much he knows.

Algernon. I must see him at once on a most important
christening—I mean on most important business.

Cecily. Oh!

Algernon. I shan’t be away more than half an hour.

Cecily. Considering that we have been engaged since
February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time,
I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period
as half an hour. Couldn’t you make it twenty minutes?

Algernon. I’ll be back in no time.

[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.]

Cecily. What an impetuous boy he is! I like his
hair so much. I must enter his proposal in my diary.

[Enter Merriman.]

Merriman. A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr.
Worthing. On very important business, Miss Fairfax states.

Cecily. Isn’t Mr. Worthing in his library?

Merriman. Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of
the Rectory some time ago.

Cecily. Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing
is sure to be back soon. And you can bring tea.

Merriman. Yes, Miss. [Goes out.]

Cecily. Miss Fairfax! I suppose one of the many
good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his
philanthropic work in London. I don’t quite like women who
are interested in philanthropic work. I think it is so forward
of them.

[Enter Merriman.]

Merriman. Miss Fairfax.

[Enter Gwendolen.]

[Exit Merriman.]

Cecily. [Advancing to meet her.] Pray let me introduce
myself to you. My name is Cecily Cardew.

Gwendolen. Cecily Cardew? [Moving to her and shaking
hands.] What a very sweet name! Something tells me that
we are going to be great friends. I like you already more than
I can say. My first impressions of people are never wrong.

Cecily. How nice of you to like me so much after we
have known each other such a comparatively short time. Pray sit
down.

Gwendolen. [Still standing up.] I may call you
Cecily, may I not?

Cecily. With pleasure!

Gwendolen. And you will always call me Gwendolen, won’t
you?

Cecily. If you wish.

Gwendolen. Then that is all quite settled, is it not?

Cecily. I hope so. [A pause. They both sit
down together.]

Gwendolen. Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity
for my mentioning who I am. My father is Lord Bracknell.
You have never heard of papa, I suppose?

Cecily. I don’t think so.

Gwendolen. Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad
to say, is entirely unknown. I think that is quite as it should
be. The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man.
And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes
painfully effeminate, does he not? And I don’t like that.
It makes men so very attractive. Cecily, mamma, whose views on
education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted;
it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my
glasses?

Cecily. Oh! not at all, Gwendolen. I am very fond
of being looked at.

Gwendolen. [After examining Cecily carefully
through a lorgnette.] You are here on a short visit, I suppose.

Cecily. Oh no! I live here.

Gwendolen. [Severely.] Really? Your mother,
no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also?

Cecily. Oh no! I have no mother, nor, in fact,
any relations.

Gwendolen. Indeed?

Cecily. My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss
Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me.

Gwendolen. Your guardian?

Cecily. Yes, I am Mr. Worthing’s ward.

Gwendolen. Oh! It is strange he never mentioned
to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows
more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news
inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight. [Rising and going
to her.] I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever
since I met you! But I am bound to state that now that I know
that you are Mr. Worthing’s ward, I cannot help expressing a wish
you were—well, just a little older than you seem to be—and
not quite so very alluring in appearance. In fact, if I may speak
candidly -

Cecily. Pray do! I think that whenever one has
anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.

Gwendolen. Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily,
I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for
your age. Ernest has a strong upright nature. He is the
very soul of truth and honour. Disloyalty would be as impossible
to him as deception. But even men of the noblest possible moral
character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical
charms of others. Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies
us with many most painful examples of what I refer to. If it were
not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.

Cecily. I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?

Gwendolen. Yes.

Cecily. Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is
my guardian. It is his brother—his elder brother.

Gwendolen. [Sitting down again.] Ernest never
mentioned to me that he had a brother.

Cecily. I am sorry to say they have not been on good
terms for a long time.

Gwendolen. Ah! that accounts for it. And now that
I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother.
The subject seems distasteful to most men. Cecily, you have lifted
a load from my mind. I was growing almost anxious. It would
have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours,
would it not? Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not
Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?

Cecily. Quite sure. [A pause.] In fact,
I am going to be his.

Gwendolen. [Inquiringly.] I beg your pardon?

Cecily. [Rather shy and confidingly.] Dearest
Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you.
Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week.
Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.

Gwendolen. [Quite politely, rising.] My darling
Cecily, I think there must be some slight error. Mr. Ernest Worthing
is engaged to me. The announcement will appear in the Morning
Post on Saturday at the latest.

Cecily. [Very politely, rising.] I am afraid you
must be under some misconception. Ernest proposed to me exactly
ten minutes ago. [Shows diary.]

Gwendolen. [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.]
It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday
afternoon at 5.30. If you would care to verify the incident, pray
do so. [Produces diary of her own.] I never travel without
my diary. One should always have something sensational to read
in the train. I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment
to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.

Cecily. It would distress me more than I can tell you,
dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but
I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly
has changed his mind.

Gwendolen. [Meditatively.] If the poor fellow
has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty
to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.

Cecily. [Thoughtfully and sadly.] Whatever unfortunate
entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him
with it after we are married.

Gwendolen. Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement?
You are presumptuous. On an occasion of this kind it becomes more
than a moral duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a pleasure.

Cecily. Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped
Ernest into an engagement? How dare you? This is no time
for wearing the shallow mask of manners. When I see a spade I
call it a spade.

Gwendolen. [Satirically.] I am glad to say that
I have never seen a spade. It is obvious that our social spheres
have been widely different.

[Enter Merriman, followed by the footman. He carries
a salver, table cloth, and plate stand. Cecily is about
to retort. The presence of the servants exercises a restraining
influence, under which both girls chafe.]

Merriman. Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?

Cecily. [Sternly, in a calm voice.] Yes, as usual.
[Merriman begins to clear table and lay cloth. A long pause.
Cecily and Gwendolen glare at each other.]

Gwendolen. Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity,
Miss Cardew?

Cecily. Oh! yes! a great many. From the top of
one of the hills quite close one can see five counties.

Gwendolen. Five counties! I don’t think
I should like that; I hate crowds.

Cecily. [Sweetly.] I suppose that is why you live
in town? [Gwendolen bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously
with her parasol.]

Gwendolen. [Looking round.] Quite a well-kept
garden this is, Miss Cardew.

Cecily. So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.

Gwendolen. I had no idea there were any flowers in the
country.

Cecily. Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax,
as people are in London.

Gwendolen. Personally I cannot understand how anybody
manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does.
The country always bores me to death.

Cecily. Ah! This is what the newspapers call agricultural
depression, is it not? I believe the aristocracy are suffering
very much from it just at present. It is almost an epidemic amongst
them, I have been told. May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?

Gwendolen. [With elaborate politeness.] Thank
you. [Aside.] Detestable girl! But I require tea!

Cecily. [Sweetly.] Sugar?

Gwendolen. [Superciliously.] No, thank you.
Sugar is not fashionable any more. [Cecily looks angrily at her,
takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.]

Cecily. [Severely.] Cake or bread and butter?

Gwendolen. [In a bored manner.] Bread and butter,
please. Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.

Cecily. [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it
on the tray.] Hand that to Miss Fairfax.

[Merriman does so, and goes out with footman. Gwendolen
drinks the tea and makes a grimace. Puts down cup at once, reaches
out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake.
Rises in indignation.]

Gwendolen. You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar,
and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given
me cake. I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and
the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew,
you may go too far.

Cecily. [Rising.] To save my poor, innocent, trusting
boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to
which I would not go.

Gwendolen. From the moment I saw you I distrusted you.
I felt that you were false and deceitful. I am never deceived
in such matters. My first impressions of people are invariably
right.

Cecily. It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing
on your valuable time. No doubt you have many other calls of a
similar character to make in the neighbourhood.

[Enter Jack.]

Gwendolen. [Catching sight of him.] Ernest!
My own Ernest!

Jack. Gwendolen! Darling! [Offers to kiss
her.]

Gwendolen. [Draws back.] A moment! May I
ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady? [Points
to Cecily.]

Jack. [Laughing.] To dear little Cecily!
Of course not! What could have put such an idea into your pretty
little head?

Gwendolen. Thank you. You may! [Offers her
cheek.]

Cecily. [Very sweetly.] I knew there must be some
misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax. The gentleman whose arm is at
present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing.

Gwendolen. I beg your pardon?

Cecily. This is Uncle Jack.

Gwendolen. [Receding.] Jack! Oh!

[Enter Algernon.]

Cecily. Here is Ernest.

Algernon. [Goes straight over to Cecily without
noticing any one else.] My own love! [Offers to kiss her.]

Cecily. [Drawing back.] A moment, Ernest!
May I ask you—are you engaged to be married to this young lady?

Algernon. [Looking round.] To what young lady?
Good heavens! Gwendolen!

Cecily. Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.

Algernon. [Laughing.] Of course not! What
could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?

Cecily. Thank you. [Presenting her cheek to be
kissed.] You may. [Algernon kisses her.]

Gwendolen. I felt there was some slight error, Miss
Cardew. The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr.
Algernon Moncrieff.

Cecily. [Breaking away from Algernon.]
Algernon Moncrieff! Oh! [The two girls move towards each
other and put their arms round each other’s waists protection.]

Cecily. Are you called Algernon?

Algernon. I cannot deny it.

Cecily. Oh!

Gwendolen. Is your name really John?

Jack. [Standing rather proudly.] I could deny
it if I liked. I could deny anything if I liked. But my
name certainly is John. It has been John for years.

Cecily. [To Gwendolen.] A gross deception
has been practised on both of us.

Gwendolen. My poor wounded Cecily!

Cecily. My sweet wronged Gwendolen!

Gwendolen. [Slowly and seriously.] You will call
me sister, will you not? [They embrace. Jack and
Algernon groan and walk up and down.]

Cecily. [Rather brightly.] There is just one question
I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.

Gwendolen. An admirable idea! Mr. Worthing, there
is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you.
Where is your brother Ernest? We are both engaged to be married
to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to
know where your brother Ernest is at present.

Jack. [Slowly and hesitatingly.] Gwendolen—Cecily—it
is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is
the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful
position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the
kind. However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother
Ernest. I have no brother at all. I never had a brother
in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever
having one in the future.

Cecily. [Surprised.] No brother at all?

Jack. [Cheerily.] None!

Gwendolen. [Severely.] Had you never a brother
of any kind?

Jack. [Pleasantly.] Never. Not even of an
kind.

Gwendolen. I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that
neither of us is engaged to be married to any one.

Cecily. It is not a very pleasant position for a young
girl suddenly to find herself in. Is it?

Gwendolen. Let us go into the house. They will
hardly venture to come after us there.

Cecily. No, men are so cowardly, aren’t they?

[They retire into the house with scornful looks.]

Jack. This ghastly state of things is what you call
Bunburying, I suppose?

Algernon. Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it
is. The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.

Jack. Well, you’ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury
here.

Algernon. That is absurd. One has a right to Bunbury
anywhere one chooses. Every serious Bunburyist knows that.

Jack. Serious Bunburyist! Good heavens!

Algernon. Well, one must be serious about something,
if one wants to have any amusement in life. I happen to be serious
about Bunburying. What on earth you are serious about I haven’t
got the remotest idea. About everything, I should fancy.
You have such an absolutely trivial nature.

Jack. Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the
whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite
exploded. You won’t be able to run down to the country quite
so often as you used to do, dear Algy. And a very good thing too.

Algernon. Your brother is a little off colour, isn’t
he, dear Jack? You won’t be able to disappear to London
quite so frequently as your wicked custom was. And not a bad thing
either.

Jack. As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must
say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is
quite inexcusable. To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.

Algernon. I can see no possible defence at all for your
deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like
Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.

Jack. I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all.
I love her.

Algernon. Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily.I adore her.

Jack. There is certainly no chance of your marrying
Miss Cardew.

Algernon. I don’t think there is much likelihood,
Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.

Jack. Well, that is no business of yours.

Algernon. If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk
about it. [Begins to eat muffins.] It is very vulgar to
talk about one’s business. Only people like stock-brokers
do that, and then merely at dinner parties.

Jack. How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when
we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem
to me to be perfectly heartless.

Algernon. Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated
manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should
always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

Jack. I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating
muffins at all, under the circumstances.

Algernon. When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing
that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as
any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except
food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because
I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.
[Rising.]

Jack. [Rising.] Well, that is no reason why you
should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins from Algernon.]

Algernon. [Offering tea-cake.] I wish you would
have tea-cake instead. I don’t like tea-cake.

Jack. Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his
own muffins in his own garden.

Algernon. But you have just said it was perfectly heartless
to eat muffins.

Jack. I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under
the circumstances. That is a very different thing.

Algernon. That may be. But the muffins are the
same. [He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack.]

Jack. Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.

Algernon. You can’t possibly ask me to go without
having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without
my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like
that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble
to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.

Jack. My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense
the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble
to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name
of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both
be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have
a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence
at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think
it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It
is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already.

Algernon. Yes, but I have not been christened for years.

Jack. Yes, but you have been christened. That
is the important thing.

Algernon. Quite so. So I know my constitution
can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having
been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing
on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly
have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very
nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.

Jack. Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill
was not hereditary.

Algernon. It usen’t to be, I know—but I
daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements
in things.

Jack. [Picking up the muffin-dish.] Oh, that is
nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.

Algernon. Jack, you are at the muffins again!
I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. [Takes
them.] I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.

Jack. But I hate tea-cake.

Algernon. Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to
be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality!

Jack. Algernon! I have already told you to go.
I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go!

Algernon. I haven’t quite finished my tea yet!
and there is still one muffin left. [Jack groans, and sinks
into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.]

ACT DROP