WHO LAUGHS AT THE "CROOKED MIRROR" EVERY NEW YEAR: A RUTHLESS REPORT FROM HELL

 

After visiting Yevgeny Petrosyan's concert, the special correspondent of "Lentee.ru" Mikhail Karpov decided to continue the research of the domestic humor scene. This time before the New Year he visited the concert of the permanent participants of the TV program "The Curved Mirror" and left him with a clear idea that the artists are being forcibly or blackmailing the project.
Day of December 30, especially if it falls on the day off, is a very strange day. Like gifts are bought, the battery of alcohol waits for the hour, meal all the same to prepare tomorrow. Therefore, those who did not have time, try to make up for it, buying last-minute inexpensive inexpensive gadgets in electronics stores or unpretentious souvenirs for sudden guests at tomorrow's celebration. Those who do not have any business on the eve of the New Year can spend this day at some amusement event, for example, at the concert of the permanent participants of the TV program "The Curved Mirror" - a program founded by Yevgeny Petrosyan and consisting of a heap of humorous miniatures, performed by entertainers, dressed in deliberately stupid outfits. 

The action took place on the main stage of the Central House of Artists in Moscow. Judging by the posters, nothing foreshadowed the upcoming performance, but just above the entrance there was a banner stretching to the exhibition of the artist Vasya Lozhkina "The Great Beautiful Russia". In addition to this exposition, there were others in the Central House of Artists, but Lozhkin's work turned out to be the most actual for the visitors of the "Crooked Mirror" concert, as the master's works were placed exactly at the entrance to the concert hall. 

Spectators, however, this neighborhood did not bother at all. They walked with pleasure in the room, looked at the pictures with seals and took pictures with a statue of a sad kitten on a stool, melancholically smoldering "Belomor." The caption to one of the pictures read: "When Ivan Ivanych turns on the TV, cockroaches in his head put on foil caps." "Where does this world go?" - asked another, referring to the image of a desperate impregnated clown, clasping his head in his hands.

A very good niche was found for this correspondent. It is impossible to comment on the tape. But I would like to. I would like to ask: Where did he go? "Crooked Mirror" has not been around five years! 

How did he remember the poem? Recorded on a smartphone? So he wrote the whole concert? That is, he specifically wrote down, in order to find fault with what? 
And he knows the artists by name. Except the first for some reason. 
It seems that the "correspondent" really wants someone to cover with a thin layer of shit (there is not enough for a thick layer of the intestine), so he finds fault with everything he has written down. And we get a retelling of the concert, with your comments. 
I understand that kopipasta, but could not help saying it.

The audience picked up quite standard for such an event - older men and women, some with older children and grandchildren. Unlike the concert of Evgeny Petrosyan, which Lenta.ru visited recently, these people were in a pleasantly relaxed state, they did not try to get into the hall first, did not push and did not count the trifle at the buffet. However, it should be noted that most men already smelled of alcohol, but it is clear: who is happy - he drinks the day before. Having reached the standard, one of the spectators ordered coffee in the buffet, took a sip, then looked into the seller's eyes for a long time, and finally, squeezed out the full tragedy of the phrase: "Sahara ... not a fountain!", Then waved his hand and continued to look at Vasya Lozhkin's paintings . 

To set the audience to a good-natured mood, before the performance in the hall all the well-known music from Soviet comedies sounded. The decoration of the stage was supposed to create a New Year's mood: several Christmas trees covered with artificial snow, one big and elegant garland, a large floor clock and a medium-sized multi-colored cube. Expecting the appearance of artists, the elderly friends sitting near the correspondent of "Lentee.ru" showed each other photos of grandchildren on the screens of smartphones, and then, apparently by tradition, exchanged bags with "theater" sweets on duty. 

The show, judging by the time, was about to begin, and the audience began to clap, causing the artists to enter the stage. The cheerful music sounded, the door in the outdoor clock on the stage opened, and out of it a peasant in a suit, a hat and a worn leather briefcase-a typical Soviet "director" from "Wick" or "Carnival Night"-jumped out. "I mentally welcome, so to speak, I embrace those two people who met my appearance with stormy, unceasing applause!" He said loudly.Indeed, the stormy applause was difficult to call, so the audience, understanding the hint, this time clapped louder.

 

"We are behind the scenes, with a cup of fragrant tea, with mine ..." - the artist paused, during which a man's voice was heard from the audience: "Sobutniki!"."No, no," objected the "director", "now they could not decide by their former friends who will have the honorable duty to enter the scene first." As he said, this person should be recognizable, possessing a certain set of talents, and also modest, and therefore he came to the scene. 

Replicas of the artist hall greeted with applause, but almost no one laughed.Further, in the best traditions of the children's morning performance, he asked those present to "light" the Christmas tree standing on the stage. "The Christmas tree, burn!" - the audience shouted amicably. Once, as always, was not enough, so the phrase had to be repeated again. "Let everyone cheer at the Christmas tree, do not be afraid for health, let them beautify each day, let everything around burn with fire!" - Several apocalyptic rituals completed "director" and immediately after that he promised a "solemn speech" corresponding to his status of "official person" ". "A long time yet?" - heard a cry from the hall. "40-45 minutes, no more", - reassured the artist of the audience. 

"On holidays, dear friends, we are particularly happy, and I with great joy want to share our pride in this matter," the director continued. "Let me congratulate you, dear friends, on our common joy and wish us further to go to joyous victories that will in future allow us all to rejoice in our pride and be proud of our joy." I have finished. 

Under the rhythmic "Shizgaru" with the words "Crooked, we are a crooked mirror!" The other participants of the concert rolled out onto the stage: the clown Alexander Morozov, the playwright Mikhail Vashukov, known for his duet with Nikolai Bandurin and the entertainer Viktor Razumovsky. The uncomplicated and seemingly banal and unhappy miniature about the maternity home played by them suddenly made the audience laugh - or the audience simply did not like the "director's" attitude about "joyous victories" and "burning with fire". The miniature about the maternity hospital was replaced by an even stupid scene in which Razumovsky and Morozov introduced themselves as "children of the Crooked Mirror", stepping onto the stage in children's hats and fumbling in the nose.However, the children they were not alike - rather, on oligophrenic.

 

The meaning of the number was that Razumovsky read the couplet, and Morozov added to it a part that was supposed to be funny. "Our Tanya is crying loudly / And can not get up with koryachok - Is it a joke for an aunt / Three bottles of vodka!" - One of the verses looked like this. The hall still rocked for a while and, finally, entered into the taste - it was evident that it was these rooms that he most liked."Our Tanya is crying loudly / In the shop gave the change - But not small rubles / A big pi ...!" - Here Razumovsky pressed Morozov's mouth, but everything was clear.Understood and appreciated the work of artists loud laughter and the audience. 

Vashukov continued to entertain the audience with ditties, often with homoerotic overtones. For example, the heroine of one of them was Verka Serdyuchka, who was attacked by a maniac, put his hand under her skirt and became a stutterer.The character of the other was Nikolai Baskov, with whom the author allegedly washed himself in a bath and found out that he was "a blond unnatural." It was evident that Vashukov was worried about this topic in earnest - to the music of the song "A wonderful neighbor has settled in our house," he complained that the population of Russia is declining, because (the next phrase is pronounced in a cynical tone) "the peasants forgot their business". 

"All of Russia was pulled apart - there was nothing left," the playwright suddenly changed the subject. "Someone has been put in prison, but it's all funny." They stole as much as they could, and the court solved the problem like this: whistled a little - you're a criminal, whistled a lot - an oligarch. " The audience, apparently, did not understand such a sharp transition to social and political topics, so they clapped quietly and did not laugh. Washukov shouted into the hall: they say, sing "pam-pam-pam", but only those who are oligarchs. Apparently, the joke did not come, and the audience together burst out "pam-pam-pam". "Is it all oligarchs here?" The artist asked in confusion. 

Unexpectedly, the next issue was devoted to corruption. According to the plot it turned out that an official who got rich in some way is enough to bribe the investigator and the case will be closed. The topic, again, was too serious and did not provoke a violent reaction in the hall. Discharged the situation drunken citizen, who in the foyer complained about the sweetness of coffee. He sought to enter into a dialogue with the artists, but from his mouth only an indistinct mooing broke out.Artists, clenching their teeth and showing a forced smile, tried to somehow beat the situation and shut the rowdy. However, the audience liked the dialogue, and the audience perceived it as part of the performance. "Let's do something else, we've already seen it on TV!" - yelled the man. "I am pleased that you are watching TV," Vashokov suddenly responded gloomily. Somewhere in the picture of Vasya Lozhkina cockroaches began to sigh with a sigh of hats from foil.

 

In order to slightly defuse the situation of "unrestrained fun", the opera singer Vyacheslav Voinarovsky was invited to the stage, who left, leaning on a cane and accompanied by an artist supporting him. It turned out that he had recently been injured that, due to the age of the singer and considerable weight, there were serious consequences. First, he sang "Black Eyes", and then began to poison theatrical tales, the characters of which were most often drunken workers of the scene. In one of them, during the production of Swan Lake in Soviet times, an actor playing the role of a demon was to be dragged onto a rope on a small platform, on a "rock", where he was supposed to dance. But the winch jammed, and the demon did not reach the cliff. Workers of the scene unsuccessfully tried to shake it with a stick, but constantly missed. As a result, at the presentation, where the members of the government were present, the voice of the superintendent who directed the work was heard: "Where are you going? In his ass pugai! "Such anecdotes Voynarovsky alternated with vocal numbers. So, he sang "Oh, myo myo!" And "Without women you can not live in the world." 

After a couple of humorous numbers, Vashukov returned to the stage and invited the hall to perform "industrial gymnastics." "It sucks on TV, there's no censorship, do everything you want on the air. Behind the bare ass, hold on, you know, and the mother, but do not touch the government line - they'll give you a drum! "- he began, but the hall did not laugh. People tried to do "gymnastics", following the example of the artist. Apparently, the show was too difficult to repeat, and therefore it was unclear - whether the joke was too complicated, or the audience was too focused on the movement of their hands. 

"Gasoline is rising in price, as if our oil is not pouring down the pipes now. And it's just that A and B are sitting on that pipe, they've been sitting for a long time, seriously - we're on the drum! "-" We do not have satire, so you put out the light, there are no shortcomings - there's nothing to hide. It's not the first year that we've been shutting our mouths, we just have to sing and dance - and beat on the drum, "- concluded Vashukov's number, practically not smiling. The spectators continued to clap, although it seemed that the humorist told them straightforwardly how it all turned out to be to us - to be crooked and talk nonsense, but there's nothing to be done.

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The last miniature was a sketch in which an oligarch, having a rest in a sauna with a girl, invites an artist playing Hamlet to perform there. The artist starts his monologue, and the rich man and his close companion ask him to sing songs of Natalie and portray the figure skater Plushenko without ice and skates - and, of course, for extra money. Finally, by the end of the presentation of cash they do not remain, and they ask the artist: they say, give us a hundred, in a taxi. He pulls out the banknote and immediately removes it. "And now I would like to hear the poem of the poet Alexander Blok, from his early cycle -" The worlds are flying, the years are flying ", - the artist says in a sad voice. And then the "oligarch" begins to recite:

- The worlds are flying. Years are flying. The empty 
Universe looks at us with a gloom of eyes. 
And you, soul, tired, deaf, 
About happiness you say, - which time? 

What is happiness? Evening coolness 
In the darkening garden, in the forest wilderness? 
Or the gloomy, vicious pleasures of 
wine, passions, perdition of the soul? 

What is happiness? A short moment and close, 
Oblivion, sleep and rest from cares ... 
You will grow old - again insane, unknown 
And for a heart seizing flight ... 

Sadly looking into the hall, the actors wait for five seconds. Here it comes to the public that it's time to applaud, and she starts to clap. As a reward, she sings Natalie's song "Oh my God, what a man". The actors smiled sadly. 

To help artists of the "Crooked Mirror" no one will come. They will portray children with oligophrenics until the end of their life, picking their noses, joking about the ass, and only occasionally at the end of the show they will let Blok read it. Rather for yourself, because the public expects from them quite different. 

The spectators diverge decorously and peacefully. In the foyer, a woman scolds an elderly mother, who brought her to a concert: "Are you quite right? Why are you putting the bag in a plastic bag ?! "-" It's so convenient for me, "the mother answers with a scowl. The daughter goes to the exit and waits for the old woman, who stops for a long time near the information board and looks unblinkingly through it. 

Tomorrow is the New Year.

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All. 

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