BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE: Written by a woman
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - so if you get one, be grateful
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face
4. Extension to rule #3 - NO, I DON'T have to swallow
5. My ears are not handles
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really
WANT me to puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to rule #8 -"Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls
- if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you play video games immediately afterwards
is highly unadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it is probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.
See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV
15. When you hear your friend complain about how they don't get blowjobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize
or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning"

MAN'S REPLY TO Woman's B.J. ETIQUETTE
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoonful of cream is a hell of a lot easier than
licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair
5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth because you won't have any.
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the dick off your breath we would stick around afterwards.
7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning .
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for 5 straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9. You bitch about the taste, but believe me when I tell you we get the shit
end of the stick in flavor country.
10. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth
11. Play with the balls
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better
13. Blowjobs are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally useless.
14. Caress the ass too, we like that
15. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now,
but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, ah
gah-rone-tee it'll be "sound asleep"
16. If you swallow, then you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?
17. Come to think of it, maybe I will jerk off & leave you alone. I do it better myself anyway!