It's all so sad, and I can do nothing about it. There's always a person to stop me behind my back, and I can't leave her. I never could, and now surely will never be able to. She always tended to suppress me to nothingness, to shut me up - and she quite succeeded. Maybe she's not stronger than me, but surely older and more experienced... version of me. And that's scary. All the "versions of me" I dealt with in my life were more advanced in the worst ways possible - and they always beat me. The fact that I wouldn't be attracted to my opposite except for strangling them makes it all worse.