[показать]Wow, it's like the longest I haven't been here in the last few months! To be honest, there is absolutely nothing to write about. All my thoughts are occupied with mom's visit, and I can't make myself do anything but sit on the couch and watch TV. Not counting today, there are six days left until I see her, and, to be honest, I'm as scared as I'm excited. Up until now, I didn't really think about how much time has passed since the day I left for America. Once in a while, it actually feel like I have been living in the US forever, and that my life in Ukraine was just a dream. In addition, I somewhat got used to perceiving my mom as just a voice from the speaker...as someone unreal who I know does exists but, at the same time, is so far away and unattainable that it almost does not matter. This is why her coming here seems to be no less than surreal.

The source of my fear lies is in the fact that, despite next Sunday being one of the happiest days of my life, it also might be the saddest because I'll have to face the unavoidable evidence of the last 3 years by simply looking at her. My mother was 53 when I left; now she is 56. A year ago she had cancer, which, I have no doubt, left yet another mark on the way she looks. Of course, it's natural for everyone to see their parents grow older, but, the cruelty of time is just not as noticeable when people meet regularly. For some it might not be so big of a deal, for me it's heartbreaking! It also doesn't help that I have not seen a single picture of her since I came to America. I actually asked mom not to send me any, because I wanted to remember her the way she was in October of 2006. I know that changes in the way she looks and my reaction to them will be more than dramatic because I had a chance to face situation like this a while ago. I was approximately 10 years old when my relatives invited me to spend summer with them, and it was the longest time I was away from home up until I left for the US. A few months is nothing comparing to tree years, but I still remember being shocked by how much older she looked when I came back home.

Of course, in reality, she did not grow noticeably older in such a short period of time. I now realize that, up until spending some time apart, I simply did not notice wrinkles here and there on her face or any other signs of my mom being in her late forties. After those few months however, I could clearly see every single detail of her age...more clearly than I'd have preferred. This is why I can only imagine my reaction next week or a year from now when I, hopefully, see her again. Starting from next Sunday, every time I see my mom I'd have to face the implacable truth - my and, most importantly, her life is passing while I chase my ambitions away from home. Am I wasting our precious time together for nothing? - this question won't give me rest for many more years to come...I just hope that I'll find enough motivation and willpower to make sure that the answer to it will always stay negative.