Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

We have the best government that money can buy.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. 

Grief can take care if itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed

I haven't any right to criticize books, and I don't do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can't conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.