Несколько примеров записей из бортжурналов: заявок на обслуживание
пилотов авиакомпании QANTAS и записей о принятых мерах, сделанных
авиамеханиками.

Журнал регистрации проблем
З - заявка в журнале, О - отчет механиков.


З: Основное внутреннее левое колесо почти требует замены.
О: Основное внутреннее левое колесо почти заменено.


З: Пробный полет нормальный, но автопилот барахлит.
О: В данной модели автопилот не предусмотрен.


З: В наушниках невероятные шумы!
О: Теперь шумы как настоящие.


З: У капитана Эванса подтекает патрубок.
О: Без комментариев.


З: Подозревается трещина в лобовом стекле.
О: Подозрения обоснованы.


З: Показатели ДО неправдоподобно высокие.
О: Показатели ДО установлены на более правдоподобный уровень.


З: Фрикционные защелки вызывают фиксацию клапанных рычагов.
О: Они для этого предназначены.


З: Не работает радиолокационная система.
О: Радиолокационная система никогда не работает в положении OFF.


З: Не хватает третьего двигателя.
О: Третий двигатель найден на правом крыле после непродолжительных
поисков.


З: Самолет странно ведет себя.
О: Самолет предупрежден, что нужно быть послушным, лететь нормально и не
шалить.


З: Радар чего-то бурчит.
О: Радар перепрограммирован на внятную речь.


З: Мышь в кабине пилота.
О: Кабина пилота оснащена котом.


З: Дохлые жуки на лобовом стекле.
О: Мы уже заказали свежих.


З: Стук в приборной панели, как будто человечек молоточком.
О: Молоточек у человечка отняли.


З: Много мух в салоне.
О: Мухи пересчитаны - количество соответствует.


З: Кокпит грязный - для свиней не годится!
О: Кокпит вымыт - для свиней годится.


З: Hа приборной доске замечены три таракана.
О: Один убит, один ранен, одному удалось уйти.


З: У второго винта течет опорная жидкость.
О: Утечка второго винта штатная, винты 1, 3 и 4 требуют регулировки.


З: Следы течи на правом основном шасси.
О: Следы скрыты.


З: Шар T/C застрял во время последнего поворота.
О: Поздравляем! Вы наконец-то сделали свой первый управляемый поворот!


З: Третий двигатель тянет как больной.
О: Проведен осмотр. У больного похмелье.


З: Странный запах в салоне.
О: Пилоту рекомендуется сменить одеколон.


З: Тормоза воют при нажатии.
О: Не жмите так сильно!


З: Радио ревет как раненый хряк!
О: Хряк извлечен из радио. Шашлыки завтра за ангаром.


З: Переключатель радио залип.
О: Никакого больше шоколада!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200ft/min descent.
S: Can not reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft acting funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Defect: The autopilot doesn't.
Action: IT DOES NOW.

Defect: Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Action: Fresh seat cushion on order.

Defect: Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Action: Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Defect: Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Action: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Defect: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Action: Wound clock.

Defect: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Action: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Defect: #2 ADF needle runs wild.
Action: Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

Defect: Unfamiliar noise coming from #2 engine.
Action: Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar.

Defect: Noise coming from #2 engine. Sounds like man with little hammer.
Action: Took little hammer away from man in #2 engine.

Defect: Whining noise coming from #2 engine compartment.
Action: Returned little hammer to man in #2 engine.

Defect: Flight attendant cold at altitude.
Action: Ground checks OK.

Defect: 3 roaches in cabin.
Action: 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Defect: Weather radar went ape!
Action: Opened radar, let out ape, cleaned up mess!



Rules Of The Air

** Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

** If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

** Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

** It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

** The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

** The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

** When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

** A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

** Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

** You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

** The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

** Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

** Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

** There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

** You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

** Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

** If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

** In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

** Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

** It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

** Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.