Newspapre Headlines:
Miners refuse to work after death
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Squad helps dog bite victim
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

School excuse notes:

Please excuse Sarah for being absent yesterday. She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

Classifieds:

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.