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Просмотрела дневник. Ничего себе, подумала Я. Практически весь днев на английском - нехорошо, практически все посты депрессивного характера - надо что-то менять. Надо мыслить позитивно. Для себя, для друзей, которые читают и беспокоятся, и для мира, ведь мы еще будем знамениты, и это вполне могут опубликовать рано или поздно :)
Все хорошо. Звучит, как самоубеждение. На самом деле все хорошо. Руки, ноги, голова, красные волосы, черные ногти, опыт за плечами, синий рюкзак на плечах, родители в России, Лилька в Лондоне, друзья со мной, хмыри вокруг, планы на будущее, будущее не за горами. Идиотизм - весело, потому что жопой об косяк, как говорил Валера. Вот еще один позитив - Валеркин, свой чувак, свой в доску и во все гвозди, которые торчат из этой доски.
А хмыри не имеют больше права меня обижать, а я не имею права расстраиваться. Пошли на хуй. Особенно некоторые, которые якобы чего-то там меня любят. Да, это я про вас, товарищ Роман. Завтра я вам все выскажу, без обид, без упреков, так как я это вижу. А я это вижу.
Опять как-то не так получилось. Хочу чтоб все хорошие люди жили вместе
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- Tuk-tuk...
Kto tam?
A kakaia v prinzipe raznica? Vse ravno zdes' nikogo net, da i ne stuchali vovse, a tak, pokazalos'. Ne stuchali, vot i ubiraites, potomu chto zdes pusto.
-A kto derzhit dver'?
Avtootvetchik. Ostalsa tolko avtootvetchik, avtodovodchik, avtopodschetchik i avtodozhivalwik.
- Vse ravno voidu. Ia ne ostavlyu tebya odnu.
Kto skazal, chto ya odna? U menia vse horosho, so mnoi vsegda moi misli, ne pristavai.
- Ya tebe pomogu.
Chem ti mne mozhesh pomoch? Nikto ne mozhet vernut proshlogo, nikto, vot i ne nado.
- Ya pomogu tebe zabyt.
Zabyt ego, znachit zabyt sebya, ved' on lyubil togo cheloveka, kotorii bil ryadom. Ya prodolzhayu bit ryadom, potomu chto lyublyu ego.
- Ti bolshe ne mozhesh bit ryadom, ego bolshe net.
Ego net... i nikogda ne budet, a ya ostalas'. Ujdi
- Ne mogu, ved ti mne nravishsya
Pochemu? Ya znayu, pochemu nravilas Emu, a ti chto nashel? Glaza, guby, ulibku, chto? Chto tebe nado?
- Mne nuzhna ti.
A mne nuzhen On. Mne nuzhen chelovek, zhelavshij bit' schastlivym, razocharovannyj v mire i veryaschij v odnogo cheloveka, zaputannij i dobryj, mne nuzhen drug... Pomogi mne
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Why??????????????
Why not??????????
Fucking tired, wanna go home and have some rest, but it's not for me anymore. I can't be weak like that, but i can't play games like others, i want so much and don't want anything.
Why is everything falling apart? I am trying hard, i am trying to fix my life, my soul, my brains, my heart. And yet, the world says NO. May be i am not trying hard enough? But look at others - they get what they want without all that shit i am going through. May be it's my fault, i don't know. Can i just have a break?

I met Roman 2 days ago. And he asked me to give him a chance. He said he missed me and he feels that can trust me... How can he trust me, when i just ran away from him without saying a word? I am a trustful person, I know, but I run from responsibility, from love, from feelings.
This time I understand what he feels about me, but I don't feel the same. This time I like him for trusting, for missing, for feeling and saying it. He explains me what he feels and I hear him. And I know that I hurt him that time, still he likes me and I know why - there is no reason.
And I still love Kemal. When I am with Roman I keep thinking about Kemo. I want to tell him, but he doesn't need to know. He is so different from Kemal, completely. We could be good freands, but it's not enough for him.
Why is it like this?


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Is it right to hope, when life just doesn't stop to surprise u. Is it right to hope after making plans and gathering little pieces into one big and fragile something? Is it right not to be hurt anymore, cuz your hope wasn't so strong, cuz u didn't believe in it from the beginning? Can you allow yourself to hope after being ripped into pieces?



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He said that he more than just likes me. And he says that after I ran away from him, broke his heart and hurt his feelings. He said I hurt him and he still likes me. For what? May be people need to be hurt in relationships. Why didn't he just forgot me. 6 months is a long time. And he says he likes me, no matter what. The problem is that he is serious about it and i don't appreciate it.
He talked to me yesterday - grown up broken hearted guy and he made me feel like a child, he explained me what i am doing to my life. I knew that without him - i fuck up my life just for fun. And it was ok while he didn't point on it, on my mistakes and my weird behaviour.
I liked Kemal, because he was as much a child as i am. He used to fuck with life as i do right now. I don't like Roman, cuz he is like my mother - trying to protect me taking away all dangerous staff from my hands. Do i need that?
I realy don't know anything anymore, this time it's for real. I know that I have to grow up one day, but i need more time, more fun, more irresponsibility. I am scared of plans and responsibility.
After yesterdays talk I feel like a gun without bullets - used to fight, but hollow right now. It kills me as a person. I don't need anybody saying that i am wrong and mistaken. I need inspiration, understanding, some help. Just some warm words.

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I'm still running from people. Can't even pretend that i am interested, when i am not. What's the fuck! Why am i not interested in people anymore?
Prefer to be alone or in a company of the closest friends. And this mean look that i have now. Whenever somebody looks at me with a bit of interest, i give him my frosen straight into an eye look. And it works, I scare people away!

Sometimes it seems that i don't have a choice, but I know there is. There is a way I want to follow, but it's gonna hurt someone else. I can't say that I don't care, cuz whenever I don't understand or accept feelings of some people, life puts me in their situation and I come to an understanding through my own experience. I know that I hurt people following my own desires, I walked away from problems and company of human beings that I was not lookig for. But what goes around, comes around.
Understanding means forgiveness. I understand how wrong and stupid I was, whom I supposed to forgive - my stupid myself?
I don't want to hurt no anyone anymore, I want to be happy yet...
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В колонках играет - Rammstein "Amerika"

Quit one of my jobs - the restaurant. Now i am just a clubber, but it only makes me feel good. I need more time for myself.
Dorothy was asking if i am looking for something else, cuz the days without work gonna be full of thoughts about life shit she said.
I don't think so. I need these days without work, cuz there are things in my life except work. And i'm gonna find out what are those things.

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В колонках играет - Save my life

I miss people, i miss soulmates, i miss conversations with meaning and understanding, i miss "being near" thing. I feel so lonely, restless, indifferent and lost.
I don't want to see anybody, to meet anybody new, because they don't know me. I don't want their fake words and their fake smiles, i don't want any games. I don't trust them.
Being true and simple, to say what u really think - is it so complicated? Is it so fucking impossible? Why do they have to hide their real faces behind the masks, why are they afraid to show real feelings, real personalities? Are they so ugly?
My friends - everything that i have, my people...
I used to say that i am happy, cuz i have them. Why am i not smiling then?
I miss him. Still miss him, when there is no scence, no meaning of that.
Fuck everything, fuck this fucking world. It hurt me so fucking hard.
And still I can't hate it

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В колонках играет - Take That

5 crasy bartenders. We are a team. We make fun of life while cutting lemons.
New topic: How to make man to fall in love with U.
Keith being a man decided to clear up everything from the beginning. There are three steps he said: food, football and fucking. Laughter... The rule of triple F is simply simple. And it even seems to be true. Actually it's true if to take life simple, to live it simple and to be shallow. "But man areshallow, we are" said Kris being another man.
Dorothy is smiling, it's a fun talk for her. I am smiling too, but keep asking questions trying to figure out something more then 3 F rule.
OK, Keith decides to open up a little bit. Men have some kind of feeling like "broken wing". They need to feel that their lady needs them as a protector, leader, kind of guard. So they will feel themselves strong and confident.
That's the thing.
And I love these guys, cuz while laughing and talking shit we always find out the truth in our stories.

как разбивается сердце?
Беззвучно, бесшумно, в море слез, в потоках боли.
Боль приходит не сразу. Сначала вообсче ничего не происходит. Одна мысль, одно предложение, одно слово и пустота. Ничего абсолютно, даже мира вокруг в этот момент словно нет. И вот оно оборвалось - беззвучно, не совершая ни одного движения. Полное отсутствие всего вокруг и в то же время мир настолько материален, что даже не верится, что даже начинаешь его ненавидеть, не хочешь в нем быть, ведь он настолько безразличен, бездуховен. И ты - одинокое создание с обрывающимся в данный момент сердцем.
Поток бурных, диких слез, крик - чтоб хоть что-то было, чтоб выразить свой протест сложившимся обстоятельствам. Слезы не остановить, а в глазах - всепоглощаюя ненависть, ненависть ко всему бессильному тебе помочь миру, ненависть к людям, таким глупым, мелочным, мелким, неспособным предвидеть.
Боль. Боль во всем: в чувствах, движениях, глазах, словах, во всем теле, в каждой клетке. И слезы ее не облегчают, просто продолжают катиться по щекам. И уже все равно, потому что нет сил ни для чего. Боль острая, тупая, всеобъемлющая, навалившаяся и проходящая сквозь. И отчаяние, потому что ничего не изменить, отчаяние от отсутствия выбора, от бессилия.
Злость. Огромная, бешеная, дикая, подстегивающая, бьющая в лицо. Злость, потому что ты отказываешься принимать бездуховность и безразличие этого непонимающего мира. Ему все равно, что ты страдаешь. Ему все равно, что у тебя есть сердце, было сердце. Ему все равно, что он лишил тебя самого ценного, а если не лишил, то не вмешался, не изменил ничего. Он просто был тупым окружающим материальным миром. И ты бежишь сквозь него, хочешь колотить его кулаками... Но что колотить, кто виноват, что виновато? У твоей злости нет названия, ты злишься от бессилия. И это самый ужасный вид злости, ведь у нее нет объекта.
Понимание. Оно приходит позже. Потому что нет выбора. Ты понимаешь, что ничего не изменить и хотеть бесполезно. Тихое понимание происшедшего, тихий разговор с собой, разговор над осколками бившегося когда-то сердца. Подбираешь осколки, соединяешь в целое, ведь тебе они дороги. Они - все, что у тебя осталось, твои воспоминания. Тихо и спокойно понимаешь то, что не хочешь принять, то, на что не хочешь смотреть.Задавать вопросы бесполезно, а хочется. Есче больше хочется получить на них ответы.
Грусть. Тоска приходит об руку с одиночеством. Сначала съедающая, щемящая, сжимающая склеенное по осколкам сердце. И не хочется никого видеть, ведь они не понимают этой грусти, этой вопросительной боли. Никто не поможет, они бесполезны, они просто вокруг.
Затем грусть становится теплой. Грусть - это воспоминания о былом. Это единственное, что осталось. Воспоминания.
И надо с этим жить. С грустью в сердце, с улыбкой на лице, с любовью к прошлому, со взглядом в будущее. Без вопросов, без ответов. Просто продолжать свой путь, ведь сердце все есче бьется, а время лечит.

Not gonna leave any comments here till I will feel new and free from everything that happened. Tired to write under the influence of pain

I am going home. So strange, unexpected, unbelivable and looked forward idea. Like going somewhere else, like running into the childhood. Weird
How?

В колонках играет - Pink "Long way to Happy"

"Are U always unhappy?"
I would answer "Are U always happy?" And what actually we need for happiness
Different people need different staff. Usually they need material unimportant small things. They think that staffing their lives with conveniences and making it more comfortable will make them happy. All they need is things.
What is happiness? Is it state of mood, state of mind, laughter, tears?
Are we happy when we laugh?
I laugh a lot watching cartoons, spending time with my friends... And I am happy at the moment.
I am happy in general, cuz I have all valuable people around: my parents and real friends. I have love, don't have it's object anymore, yet...
I love this world, so wonderful and unique, so strong and fragile. And I am happy to be in this world. It hurts me when people make it artificial, run through it without seeing and understanding.
I am for evolution ( it doesn't need my agreement), I am for development, I am for people, I am for life not for existance. I am for suvival, cuz it makes us appreciate life even more.
I don't need more then I have right now. I now I'm gonna have more and less depending on periods of my life.
And while there is at least one person in this world, who really carrys about me, I am happy

В колонках играет - Three Days Grace

I saw him in a dream.
Remember that in my dream i wanted to break up with him, was packing his things, wanted to get rid of them. I didn't really see him, but felt that he was somewhere around. So, i was taking out his staff from the shelfs - some small unimportant things and realised suddenly that want to see him, talk to him.
I started to look for him, but couldn't find. I was missing him so much, wanted to talk, didn't have any topic though. I went outside and saw him sitting on the ground, his back turned to me...
It was a month ysterday since i got the news
I spent that day with the other man, whom i don't even like
Does it mean that i betray him?
Am i still that real and beautiful person he liked?
Am i his freand?
Who am i after all?