There are people who support me.But I can't open up.
They hate the fact I cant tell tham things. So they go behind my back and read the things I write in the forum.
I cant tell you, you will never understend what I'm saying.
Maybe someday you will know what that is...
Not loved, not happy, not normal.
I want to feel the pain. even a scratch, something that make it easy.
What is fucking wrong with me?
This pain took my life. My future. The present.
The past is still there, it's there to make the pain worse.

Is it so easy to see that I'm have no self confidence?
That I'm closed inside?
That I'm never ok?

I wish It was not like this. I cant control it.
Sorry...

I'm undet the boy with the black hair...
[512x384]

"I'm dying, praying
Bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost..."

"Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life
I've been living a lie
There's nothing inside
Bring me to life..."

You told me that I'm closed inside...
I told you that I'm not ok. I opened up.
You just told me that I'm stupid.
Tnx.
You did everything more fucked up than it was before I told you.
I thought you could help me.

That was one of the things that pushed me even more to this situation.
I cant stand so strong emotions...
I want to cut again.
To be free from your words.
I hate the fact that I opened up and you rejected me.

How can you be so blind? Can't you see me? My pain?
The thing's I write.
And I'm sure thet you know about the cut's.

Tnx for being there for me whan I need you the most.

When you are feeling bad, you say that it's like being in the fog.
And people tell you that everything will be ok, But you just keep taling them that no one knows what is the continue, the fog keeps us from knowing what is next.

Just try to understand & see this like I do.


P.S
The only reason I survive, It's the fact that if I will kill myself I cause a lot of pain to some people. I've don enough things that freaked out my freinds with all the cut's that I've tried to hide, and the hopeless thoughts and all the nerves that Ive destroyed.
But I'm scared that maybe some day that I will fall so deep and even that will be meaningless. I'm scared of myself then anything else.

I want to cut again.
My hand doesn't look good...
To much cut's theat I cant hide any more.
Im alone now.
I wann'a feel that pain again... the blood.
The few min. of silence when the blood is dripping on thr flor.

Somting that a freind wrote, the most reasonable thing I know now.

"I hate these times..when everything seems like hell.
and u just wanna do something to get high and forget everything..
forget all the probs u have in life..
all the fights u fought with friends..
the misery u are in..just everything...
and u wanna cut or wrists just cuz it feels so much better...
sittin and watching the blood while it flows away
falls to the floor.and u see blood all over..
atleast u can get into a state when the pain is allover you and u dont feel anymore like ur living...
like a dream..."

A dream that's to short.

I hate the fact I know what that means.
I hope I will never give up.
Im scared of myself.
HELP

"Through a different kind of silence
I’m waiting, I’m wasting
Into the road of sadness"

Настроение сейчас - Fucky


It's not my first diary...
I have another one at "osrablog" I guess you dont know what is it, Nevermind.
I write here because I dont wann'a to scare my freinds...
Im not people person. realy.
The thing's I write scares them...

So I think that with time I will be OK and write somthing happy.

I write when I feel like it, If you wann'a read, come back.

WTF to write in a small square ?!