It did not take long till he reminded me again how impossible it is to live with him.

First he was furious cause when he got home I was on the phone with my sister. Though I stopped as soon as he came in, and his dinner was ready, he was still ever so angry.
He lectured me for half ah hour at least: how I don't get my priorities right, how it makes him angry, etc, etc..
It was annoying.. but somehow i am not too bothered..Not long to go now - I'll soon be free from all this!

than we had a call with Nina, and he interrogated me for an hour about why did I answer "kinf of" to one of her questions, and what question that was.. I could not remember what she asked, so he would not let me go to bed.

what a sick man he is.. what a shame he is going to loose me - someone who accepted him and even loved him some time ago.

Vot opyat nastupilo zatishye, i ya kak vsegda ne mogu dumat ni o chem plohom, i dazhe ne mogu delat novy zapisi o vseh poshlyh nepriyatnyh vechah.

Hari vedet sebya kak normalny chelovek (takoye konechno zhe sluchaetsya vsemya ot vremeni)

Tak horosho kogda na dushe spokoyno, i mozhe radovatsya vsyakim priyatnym melocham.

Ya v vyhodnye kupila sebe paru novyh vechey, i tak kak ya ne chasto sebya baluyu, mne ochen priyatno.

Larisa prislala yuriku knizhki i diski. a Sevtka Chernyh prislala mne svoy pervy disk, gde ona poet pesni Battisti. Mne ochen ponravilos!!! ya eyu ochen gorzhus.

Yurik vchera rezko reshil povzroslet.. On vpervye sam vzyal chashku v ruki i stal iz nee pit... Nado bylo videt vyrazheniye ego lica - takoye gordoye i hitroye odnovremenno.
Ya tak obradovalas, chto stala plyasat ot radosti, a on hohotal i hlopal v ladoshi! On konechno zhe ne zahotel zakryt eye kryshkoy, i my s nim oblilis molokom, no vse rabno bylo tak veselo!

A potom on vzyal v ruki banan i stal sam ego est otkusyvaya kak vzrosly (obychno my ego ne kusochki lomali, i on tolko kusochki soglashalsya brat v rot)..

Vidimo on v yaslyah nasmotrelsya i rezko reshil vse uvidennoye na sebe isprobovat. I lozhkoy on uzhe trebuet est kazhdy raz sam, pravdo v rot po-prezhnemu malo chto popadaet, zato on tak ves zamazyvaetsya yugurtom, chto stanovitsya pohozh na klouna, s makiyazhem do samogo lba.

Vse ravno ya ne zabyvayu o svoey celi.. ya k ney sychas blizhe chem nikogda, samy bolshoy baryer na puti k svobode preodolen - nam dali vid na zhitelstvo 6 Yanvarya (istoricheski den!), eto znachit chto ya mogu uvolnyatsya, menyat rabotu, podrabatyvat, it.d. i eshe ya teper imeyu pravo na podderzhku ot pravitelstva.. tak chto dazhi buduchi sama po sebe, ya konechno zhe ne propadu.

Teper delo ostalos za malenkim, poluchit vizu dla Yurika, otvezti ego v Moskvu i zanyatsya razvodom...

Ya tak uspokoilas, chto vidimo i Hari eto chuvstvuet... tolko ne znayu ponyal li on prichinu..

My very close friends Stef and Steve have a lovely son - Louis (my god son! though I am not 100% sure what this means, I just love this little boy with all me heart).

Sometimes Stef needs to be on duty at night and asks us to look after Louis. It's always a pleasure for me... despite Harry being really angry each time I still manage to say YES and do it. Luckily Harry is too scared that our friends might find out how much he dislikes it, so ge has to agree and accept it each time.

The very first time they asked us, Yuri was just a tiny baby and my mother was here, so we looked after Louis and Yuri together, and it was OK. But after my mother left, I was not sure if I could manage by myself, so when Stef asked to baby-sit Louis, I asked Harry if he would help. Reluctantly he said yes.. However as soon as Steve dropped Louis off, he said that he has to go to a shop (he was obsessed with buying things for the house renovation at the time), so he grabbed the car keys and left... He could have done it the next day, he was not working, but no he could not wait.

I felt betraied... At the end, I of course managed to look after two little ones on my own, no matter how hard it was.. I could not believe that Harry could not care less...

Other times he would put a happy face when Steve was dropping Louis, but as soon as the door closed behind Steve, he's put his "black face" back on and say.. "this nasty boy is gonna make a mess of our house again".. don't let him take is toys out.

When I sat down and started reading Louis a book, he shouted at me..
"Why are you reading to him, you never read to Yuri " (who is too young for it anyways).. "leave him along and come take care of your husband!!! Come here and sit with me..."
Other times he would demand that I cook for him and leave children along.

He would not want me to play with Louis, his idea was to leave him to entertain himself... so whenever I attended to him, Harry got really annoyed...

Each time Harry wanted to spoil this experience for me... His jealosy that I was giving my time to children instead of him was ever so unreasonable...

I never said anything to Stef, of course... I wanted to be a true friend and be there for her. It was the only thing that I could still do for someone, all the rest Harry pretty much stopped me from doing.
He wants to poccess my time and my emotions, and it hurts him when I give anything to other people...so if ever I get a chance to be kind to someone or help someone, it makes him very angry.

When I am free from this man, I'll be able to spend as much time as I want with my firends and their children, and baby-sit anyone who would ask me for it. And NOBODY will be able to deny me the pleasure of being with kids!

Harry is a person who does not take NO for an answer. A typical conversation between us would sound like this:
"Asya would you like to do this?"
"NO"
"Oh, I see, let's do it then!"
And he would push and push, and would not give up... so usually the result is that he forces me to do what he wants...

It's even easier with Yuri. Ever since he started eating solids, Harry was able to be involved with feeding him, and his principle was that Yuri has to finish whatever was prepared for him. And he would always force feed him.. I was extremely against it, but I had no control over it.. I was at work, and Harry was at home with Yuri, so he could do whatever he wanted. Harry's reasoning was that he needs to be full to sleep well at night.. though Yuri had no troubles sleeping, Harry still insisted on doing it.
When I was at home, he would take him away from me when he fed him... sometimes I heard Yuri cry, but this would not stop Harry from stacking the food into his mouth.

Once (Yuri was about 7 months old) Harry decided to prepare some new foods form him, he boiled some normal rice, vegetables, and then he blended a hard boiled egg into this food. Yuri never had rice, and never had eggs before... he only just started with very simple solids... I was begging Harry not to give him this food. I almost stood on my knees, but the more I pleaded, the more angry he got.
He shouted at me, took Yuri to another room, and fed him a bowl of this food..

About an hour later I noticed that Yuri was not his normal self, he was very strange, grumpy and unhappy. He even refused to take the breast, and then started crying.. I picked him up, and then all the food that Harry fed him came out straight on me...

I did not say anything to Harry, it was obvious.. But he got very angry at me anyways.. He said "I know you think it's because of my food, but my food was good, it's your breast milk that made him sick".
By the way, Yuri has never ever been sick before...
Harry said, I'll prove it to you that this food is good, I'll feed him again with the rest of the food tomorrow, and you'll see that it was not this food that made his sick.

I could not stand hearing this.. I went to the kitchen, took the pot with this food and I put in the rubbish bag outside of the house.

Harry got furious.. He screamed and insulted me.. and at the end he refused to cook anything for Yuri for the next couple of months - which was better for everyone at the end.. I never complained.

This incident really hurt me though, this is when I seriously started thinking that Harry might harm Yuri, and I have to protect my son from his father.

He is still practicing force feeding, but now Yuri is bigger and smarter, and he spits everything out and cries.. I feel happy inside to see my little boy defending himself!

All day on the 31st he behaved like a bad child..
He was angry that he had to go to Stef's and Steve's to celebrate the New Year.. Only because this was what I wanted and he knew it would make me happy.. he was coming up with all sorts of things.
At 6pm he said he has nothing to wear, so he can't go... we went through his wardrobe and found some appropriate clothes.. I ended up ironing his shirt and pants.
Then he tried to play the usual time game, set up the departure time, and then get angry when we are at least a minute late.

We did leave and then on the way there in the car, he started telling me that if they ask, I can not tell them that I had a bad year 2005.. I said I am not going to lie. 2005 was the worst year of my life - I said I can't pretend that it was great... He started getting angry, stopped the car and lectured me for half an hour about what I am and what I am not allowed to say.. it was incredible... each time he would finish and then say "is this too much to ask? is this too difficult to do?" and when I answered "no, don't worry, I'll do it the way you want", he got even more angry and started repeating himself again and again.

He was so scared that I would mention that we are having problems (as if I ever mentioned it to anyone in front of him)... he was very unpleasant.. I think at any other time it would have made me very upset.. but this time it actually made me happy, cause I knew that this was the last New Year we are celebrating together.. that never again anyone will be trying to spoil the most magical holiday of the year for me!

I will soon be free from this man - this is the best thing to look forward too.

By the way we never even had a conversation about the past year.. and we had a lovely time. Stef and Steve are the best friends - I am so blessed.

Year 2005 has been without any doubts the worst year of my entire life.

When the year started, I was still on maternity leave. I wanted to stay at home a bit longer with Yuri, but Harry insisted that I go back to work, so I can start earning money as soon as possible. I could have easily stayed home for another month or two, we had more than enough savings, but Harry did not want to hear about it.
We also finally got the news about the house on January 5th. The purchase was completed – long awaited result. But at the end we were not even pleased. Harry’s terrible behavior with our solicitor, his dishonest games with our landlord in attempts to avoid paying the rent, and all sorts of other things that happened in the process of buying the house (something I do not even want to remember), all these has totally killed the joy of finally becoming home owners.
At the same time it meant that the renovation work could start, and though Harry estimated that work on the kitchen will be finished by the time I return to work, it was of course far from reality.

So I had to go to work and leave Yuri with Harry who was in the process of renovating the kitchen. We had to take everything out, so all the things from the kitchen (cabinets, oven, washing machine etc,etc) were in the living room. We had no place to wash dishes, and the only way to cook was in the microwave. Needless to mention that there was terrible mess everywhere.
So I had to work, and then come home, look after Yuri, cook dinner and clean up. I was still breastfeeding and had to express milk both in the morning and in the evening.
Harry was working very hard on the kitchen while I was home. It would have worked out, had he not been so terribly angry and abusive all the time. I was supportive of him, but he was the opposite of being supportive, instead he was constantly blaming me and complaining about me. Whenever he asked me to help him, but I could not because Yuri was crying, he would start swearing at me. Worse was if I would start helping, but then have to leave in the middle of it to attend to Yuri, he would go furious, and would curse me for being so useless. “You can’t finish anything, each time I need you, you find some excuse to run away.” He would use the F* word and many other very strong and insulting words. Whenever I did help, he was often unhappy with the quality of work I did, and constantly criticized me. It was extremely unpleasant to work with him, but I had no choice, as it was also in my interest to have this finished as soon as possible.
The most difficult was leaving Yuri at home with Harry, as I knew that Harry’s priority was not Yuri, but the work on the kitchen. My main concern was that while he is doing his work, he would not hear Yuri crying, and would not attend to him. I do not know on how many occasions this happened and will never know.
Another difficulty for me was the fact that it was still dark in February, and I was not able to walk home from the office. Initially Harry promised that he’ll help, but when I did need it, he insisted that I ask my colleagues for a lift, or otherwise he will leave Yuri along at home to come and pick me up. He refused to come and pick me up together with Yuri, as it was too much hassle for him to get Yuri dressed and put him in the car. It was very embarrassing for me to constantly ask someone to give me a lift, but it was a better choice than leaving Yuri at home along. It was an absolute nightmare for about a month.
Then the work on the kitchen was over, and the days got longer, so I could walk home again and not depend on other people. But my body has already started struggling with all the strain it had to undergo. Harry insisted that Yuri can not go to bed before 22:00 at night. He wanted him to sleep longer in the morning, so it is easier for him to look after him. Of course he did not care that I had to wake up the next day at 6am and express milk for Yuri, and then walk to the office. Each time if I put Yuri to bed a few minutes earlier, Harry cursed me, screamed at me and threatened that he will not look after him the next day. Another cause of his anger was milk. I have expressed a lot of milk in advance, and the freezer was full of bags with frozen milk. However Harry wanted fresh milk every day, as he did not like defrosting. Some days I was more tired, and had less milk, no matter how hard I tried to express. Those days he complained and called me lazy. He did not believe me that the milk is not coming, he thought I am just not trying hard enough, and accused me of lying. It was very frustrating.
In general Yuri was an easy baby, and most nights he slept well, but every now and then we did have broken nights, and my fatigue kept accumulating till my body gave up on me.

I got down with a very nasty cold in the end of March, so bad, that I never remembered myself ever being that ill (apart from pneumonia 9 years ago). I was not able to go to work for a few Читать далее...

Четверг, 29 Декабря 2005 г. 12:35
I had a relatively easy pregnancy.. The only thing that made it so unbearable at times was Harry.

At one point I have become very anemic, my iron levels were very dangerously low and I was very tired and out of breath.

He, of course, did not believe that I was not well. He was constantly angry at me, and accused me of pretending to be sick just to avoid being with him.

Once I came home from work, I walked for 40 minutes, and by the time I got home I got so tired, I could not walk up the stairs. Harry wanted me to come up and shouted at me to do it quickly. I told him I could not walk up the stairs. He screamed at me and insulted me.. He said I was making it up.

When we were in Spain, we once had to walk up the hill to Alhambra... I suddenly got very weak and started fainting.. It was also very hot.. I told Harry that I could not walk any further.. He got angry.. He started screaming at me on the street: "I do not understand why are you sick today? we were in Seville yesterday and you were not ill.. what's wrong with you today?" In his suspicious mind he could not find an explanation of my sickness, so he wanted me to explain why with similar weather conditions I was OK one day, and not OK the next day.. It was not enough for him to know that I was pregnant.
I could not explain it, I was very sad... I was accused and treated like some criminal just for being unwell. We did take a bus in the end. but he did not speak to me and was very cold with me all day. He still waited for that explanation that I could not give him.

At that time we did not know that I had anaemia. Fortunately doctor got in touch with me and I had to attend treatment in the hospital. Only then Harry finally believed that I was truly unwell.


The last two months of pregnancy Harry decided that I should not walk from the office anymore and that he will come to pick me up after work by car. It was getting difficult for me to walk too, so I agreed. It was a nice gesture, only if he did not use it as a tool for constantly hurting and torturing me.
He refused to drive the car and wait for me at the entrance of the office; he decided to wait for me at the gate. It takes one or two minutes to walk from the office to the gate. He demanded I should wait for him at the gate at 17:00 sharp every day. If ever he arrived before me, he got extremely angry. Even if I was only a minute late, he would not speak to me. His face would turn black in the car, he would through an angry look at me and say in a very unpleasant voice: you are late! And then he would be horrible to me all evening.
No explanations would help. He did not care that something could have delayed me in the office. All he cared is that he did not have to wait. His logic dictated that a pregnant women with a big belly should be there waiting for him.

Once I was feeling quite ill in the office and could not wait to go home. I was one minute late. I got into the car and I got the usual dirty look from Harry. I told him: "you know Harry, I am really not feeling very good today". He got even more angry.. He said not only you are late, but you are also now pretending that you are ill. It was so painful for me that he did not believe me, I started crying. When we reached home, he started screaming at me even more. "Why are you crying in the car? go home and cry there! You have insulted me in front of all these people." There was nobody on the street, but Harry is so paranoid about being humiliated in from of people. For him the most important worry was about what some stranger might think about seeing him with a crying women. He could not care less about me; I was just someone who humiliated him because I could not stop my tears.

Kogda my smotreli v etom godu peredachu "Kak sdelat gorod Slough shcstlivym" ya ponyala chto ya po nature ocehn schastlivy chelovek.. I eshe ya s uzhasom osoznala, chto Harry postoyanno prepyatstvuet mne i ne daet delat to, chto prinosit radost v moyu zhizn.. vse eti priyatnye melochi, kotorye tak vazhny...

Vot text Manifesta chastya.. ya ved vse eto delala dazhe ne znaya o tom, chot nauka dokazala chto eti deystviya delayut lyudey schastlivymi.

HAPPINESS MANIFESTO
Do these for two months and see the difference they make!
1. Get physical
Exercise for half an hour three times a week.
2. Count your blessings
At the end of each day, reflect on at least five things you're grateful
for.
3. Talk time
Have an hour-long uninterrupted conversation with your partner or
closest friend each week.
4. Plant something
Even if it’s a window box or pot plant. Keep it alive!
5. Cut your TV viewing by half
6. Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger
At least once each day.
7. Phone a friend
Make contact with at least one friend or relation you have not been in
contact for a while and arrange to meet up.
8. Have a good laugh at least once a day
9. Every day make sure you give yourself a treat
Take time to really enjoy this.
10. Daily kindness
Do an extra good turn for someone each day.

A Harry zapretil mne zvonit druzyam (takoy bolshoy istochnik radosti), on zlitsya kogda ya govoryu s neznakomymi lyudmi, i kogda ya chto-to dobroye delayu drugim lyudyam... i eshe on sovsem ne daet mne vremeni na menya samu...
A ved u menya vse est dlya togo chtoby byt ochen shcastlivoy.. Posle rozhdeniya Yurika shemyashaya pustota v mem serdece sovershenno ischezla.. i kak by ploho mne ne bylo, otkuda-to vzyalas neponyatnaya sila duha.
Mne teper tolko nado izbavitsya ot cheloveka kotory ne vynosit i vsemi silami prepyatstvuet moemu schastyu.

Ever since we had Yuri, crying torture has been in place in our house.
Harry believes that babies are disigned to cry, and it does not bother him a bit hearing a screaming baby... But for me it is of course very different and was even more different a year ago.

When I first return to work part time, and was rushing home at 1pm, I heard Yuri crying as I was entering the house. So... I entered the house and I heard Yuri crying.. What would the first instinct of a mother who has left her baby for half a day for the first time be in her life? not too hard to guess.. go and grab the baby and hold it in her arms, right? well, not in our house..
instead of letting me get to Yuri ASAP, Harry would stay on my way and block the door, so I can not get into the room where Yuri is left to cry all along.. "He is calming down" said Harry, but the crying went on and on without any signs of stopping.. I would beg him to let me in, but he got angry and started sreaming at me.. I was getting really distressed and I said that I'd call the police.. He called me crasy and histerical women...he said I had to apologise for my crasy behaviour!
He finally let me in, my heart was broken when I finally picked Yuri up, his face all swallen and blue from crying....

Harry was angry with me for days after that insident... And I started to get all weak, teary and sad... something broke down inside me, which took a very long time to heal.

Well the crying torture continues.. it has taken a different shape. Whenever Yuri wants to be with me and Harry is holding him, he would let Yuri cry and take him away from me... He would scream at him and say to him: "why are you crying nasty boy, why do you not want to be with your daddy". His idea is that Yuri has to calm down in his arms before he gives him to me... but Yuri does not understand that, he just wants to be with me, so he is cryings to express his desire. Usually it lasts from 10 to 15 minutes... I know that there is nothing I can do... Harry is stronger and he would not let Yuri go... so I just have to endure this torture every time.

December 13th..

I came home, Harry was at home with Yuri... I heard Yuri crying, and of course I went straight into his room. Harry was there holding Yuri in his arms, as he's just woken up..As soon as Harry saw me, he started screaming at me and insulting me: "what have you done? why did you come here? Look you are making him cry - you are stupid women... making me angry...etc.etc..

I was calm and tried to explain that I did not know why he is crying, so I just went to have a look... but of course this did not convince him, he was angry the whole evening.

December 26th

Yuri woke up in the morning and Harry went to pick him up. As soon as he entered the room and Yuri saw me, he was holding his arms towards me and wanted to come to me... he of course started crying.. and Harry of course started getting angry. "Give him to me, Harry", I said... but of course Harry could not to this - this is against his principle... he went to another room, and I had to endure hearing Yuri's crying for another 15 mintues.. he still would not calm down.. so finally Harry came back and gave him to me. crying stopped straight away...

I have learned not to react... I know I have not got long to go till I'll be free from this man...
I have asked Harry so many times why is he doing this.. he has no answer, but he believes he is not doing anything wrong.. and I am sure next time it will be all the same.

I have decided to write a series of stories about my marriage. I need it for many reasons:
first to get it out of my chest, and not constantly worry that I may forget, and secondly, of course, to have some evidence of what has been happening behind the closed doors in our "perfect couple".

One day I'll share it with my friends who guessed that something is going wrong, but whom I could not talk to at the time.

xxx