Another morning when I left home with tears on my eyes.
Now Harry is looking after Yuri, so he feels he is the boss and he can keep threatening me all the time, like he used to do.

This morning Yuri woke up at 7:15, he slept all night from 20:00, so over 11 hours.. he had good rest.

But Harry would not let me go into his room and pcik him up. He would say: the baby did not sleep enough, he needs more rest. He woke up too early.
He insists that Yuri keeps crying till he fall back asleep, so he can sleep another 10 minutes more.

He stood there and blocked the door, so I could not enter the room and pick up my crying son. Again and again he is doing this to me!!!!

I hate him so much!!!! My frustration is endless.. What can I do?
why should my baby cry for nothing.. just because Harry dicided that he woke up too early...

Another 5 weeks to go, and I am not going back.. Enough is enough.

In our family when someone is ill, all other members of the family usually take care of the sick person.. Get some medications, bring some tea..
It's not something that you would even quistion, it's so normal..

Well, not with Harry. When I am ill, he just does not understand that it might be nice to show me a bit of attention. No he expects me to look after him as usual.

And in fact instead of doing something for me he would expect me do do even more for him, and will not give anything up to make my life a tyny little bit easier. When he picked me up on Wendesday, and we were driving home, I asked him to stop by the shop to get some honey and lemon (my favourite medicine).
It would have taken 10 minutes more, but of course he said "NO" and he told me off. He said I can get it some other time (whereas I was sick at that moment, and not "some other time"). So the next day, when I was feeling very unwell, I had to go and buy my own medications. Harry was at home, but he would never offer to do this for me.

Usually when I am ill, and don't feel like eating, he would force me to cook for him and to eat with him. It happens every time.. and of course yesterday was no different. He just would not leave me along. He keeps asking and asking.. and would follow me around and not let me do anything. So each time I give up.. I really did not feel like cooking, but I helped him to make dinner.
And then I told him that I was not hungry... but he would not let me do anything until I tasted his food. He even delayed putting Yuri to bed, and I gave in, cause I wanted Yuri to sleep on time. So I sat down with him, and had some of the food. I forced myself to eat, as I was not hungry. He asked if it was good, I said "yes", he then insisted that I should eat more.. but I refused.
And then he got extremely angry that I did not eat more... He said: "I cooked for you, and you are refusing to eat my food, what motivation do I have to do anything for you?"

I hate him so much, it's beyond my comprehension. How can somebody be so twisted, he just does not want to understand how other people may feel. And he has to force, and force and force...If there is anything I don't want to do, he would go out of his way to force me to do it... this is sick.
I am so tired of him.

When in the evening I wanted to watch my program on TV, he told me that I pretended that I was sick.. and that in fact I was not ill if I was able to watch TV. As usual he changed channels and harassed me while I was watching it.
He can't do it any other way.

I just can't wait for the moment when this man will be far away from me, and will have no more opportunities to torture me.

I found this when I was looking through my boxes…Little notes that I took while we were on the plane on our way back to England, where we were starting our life together. This is how I felt 2 years ago, when I was ready to give it my very best try. My New years resolution back then was to forget myself and to do everything possible to build a happy family.. I was pregnant then, though I did not know it for sure yet.

Well I am not that surprised that my new years resolution this year was to get divorced and to get my happiness back.

Even though my marriage is a failure, being free from him will certainly be a victory.

Сегодня последний день 2003 года. Я лечу в самолете над атлантическим океаном и жду с нетерпением возвращения в уютную квартирку в Твайфорде. этот отпуск оказался для меня нелегким испытанием,и под конец я начала терять веру в то, что наш брак выдержит и моя любовь окажется достаточно сильной для того чтобы не дать отрицателным эмоциям сьесть меня живьем.

Я обнаружила так много отталкивающих качеств в своем муже, что им легко удалось заслонить все то, что восхищало меня всегда в этом человеке. Я видела как моя мама допускает подобную ошибку, и хотела бы всеми силами избежать попадания в эту ловушку.

Mой муж постоянно провоцирует ссоры. я не знаю, как ему так искусстно удается, даже тогда, когда я даю себе слово молчать, ему клещами удается вытащить из меня хоть что-нибудь, достаточное для раздувания (иногда может хватить и вздоха). От него неприятно пахнет потом. Он жутко чавкает и хлюпает при приеме пищи. Храпит громко, несдержан в еде и неспособен подождать 5 минут чтобы вместе начать ужин.
Он совершенно не заботится о своих вещах. Раскидывает одежду по всей квартире, перемешивая грязное и чистое без разбора. Я была потрясена накопившейся в его квартире грязью.

Он по-жмотски привязан ко всем своим вещам и собрал 19 коробок всякого барахла, которые должны стать частью нашей новой жизни. А какой эгоист! Может быть я была наивным мечтателем, когда рисовала себе идиллические картинки нашего совместного будущего?

Из-за ссор и раздоров последних 8 дней я начала ненавидеть этого человека. А он, чувствуя это, становился еще более грубым, тираничным, неразумным и невыносимым. Я понимаю, что будь мое сердце полно любви и восхищения, он возможно не вел бы себя так ужасно.

Где же мне наити силы для етой любви? Как боротся со злостью и обидами? Если я не найду выхода из этого кризиса, наш брак обречен на полный провал.
Я не нахожу в себе сил, а может я просто недостаточно стараюсь? А может быть во мне нет необходимого великодушия? Я не знаю ответа на эти вопросы.
Впереди мне предстоит тернистый путь с этим темнокожим хмурым человеком, сидящим рядом со мной и не желающим порадоваться приходу нового года.
Как сказала Мадам Никель: "наши отношения держатся на мне". Самой важной задачей в новом году будет строительство семьи. смогу ли я забыть себя и жить ради него?
Будет ли у меня достаточно терпения, мягкости и такта? Раз уж я решилась на этот шаг и связала с ним свою жизнь, другого выхода у меня нет.

Я обещаю себе простить все, что так измучило меня за последнюю неделю и сделать все что в моих силах, чтобы создать дом где царит мир и любовь.

Я должна начать через два часа. Недосыпание, тошноту и усталость необходимо побороть.Вперед дорогая Асюлечка. Ты всегда добивалась в жизни всего чего хотела. Пусть это будет самая сложная битва, но ты должна выйти из нее победителем. Я хочу, чтобы он влюбился в меня, восхищался мной и дорожил как самым бесценным сокровищем. Вперед и с песней!

31 Декабря 20:00 Американского времени

Money is a;lways a sensitive issue for any couple... it's a cause of a lot of frustration for me, in our relationship with Harry. He has a very different approach and a logic that I simply can not understand.

From September last year we have both been working, however he refused to contribute any of his income to the family budget... He insisted we have to use my money for our living expenses. He promised that by the end of the year, he will calculate whatever he earned, and we'll review the budget again, and put back into the common kitty whateever he earned. But of course that did not happen.. he only said it, so I keep paying for everything, and do not argue with him.
So he works and put his earnings into his pocket, and I give all my money to support our family. I do not think i'ts fair - am I wrong?

Harry is saying that he will spend the money that he earned on the house and on things for us, but that also means that he decides what to spend it on, and I have no control over it.. How convenient for him!

All our conversations and numerous arguments on the subject did not bring any results.

In Auguest he insisted that we go on a holiday, and that I pay for it.. I did not want to go, not only because of the money, but that was part of the reason.. at the end we agreed that if I pay for the holiday, he'll pay for my mother's ticket (it was about an equal amount). And of course he did not keep his promise...I gave my mom the money. And whenever I ask for this money back it causes an argument and lots of insults..

Now he decided not to work again... I have no say in this.. So automatically he expects me to support him financially again.
Moreover, yesterday he asked me to pay 229 pounds out of my savings, so we can put Yuri in the nursery for one extra weeek, while he works on the house.

I though it was not right, we should be using our common money for it, whatever Harry earned and saved last year, while he used my money to live on.. but he would not agree..

He has much more savings than me, but refuses to spend a penny on his living expenses.. even for his haircut he wants me to pay.. and now whatever little I want to save, he wants me to spend, and he insists and puts lots of pressure on me all the time.

I can not respect a man like that... In fact his attitude to my money as his own makes me furious.


Once in the past I remember he wanted to go into business and asked me to give him all my savings to start it (about 10000 pounds at the time). When I said that I want this money to buy a house , he made a huge scene... he said I am not understanding. I am selfish and don't understand that we are now a couple. He said that I do not belive in him, I see me as separate from him (whereas he sees both myself my money as his own, of course!)... It was a mess... he was so angry then, that it spoiled our holidays in Spain.

Well his attitude has not really changed since.

When there is a young child in the house safety is always a concern.

Harry uses safety as a pretext for restricting my freedom.

I can't go on buses or tube in London, cause it's not safe. His reason: all sorts of accidents happen on the tube, plus there is terrorism. True reason behind it: he does not want me to be free to see my friends.

I can't go to the playground with Yuri on a Saturday morning(!), cause "there are all sorts of crasy teenagers". True reason: he can't stand me having fun with Yuri without him.

However, when it comes to Harry making decisions, safety would be his last consideration. He always left Yuri baby on a bed along. He never straps him in on his high chiar, and he laughs at me when I do it (I am a stupid women, who only follows the rules and can't think for myself).
He hates waiting, so when Yuri was a small baby and cried in the car, he would refuse to stop the car so I can feed him. Once or twice he forced me to breastfeed Yuri while he was driving. Though it's against the law.. but what would Harry care, he hates waiting, and everyone has to understand it!

When he was looking after him while I was at work, I know for a fact that he left him at home along and went to have a hair cut. To my frustration I could not do anything about it. I had no other childcare alternative, and I could not leave him, as I had nowhere to go... I do not know how many times he left him, as after than incident he refused to tell me.

While we are doing the house re-decoration our home is a safety hazard everywhere. He leaves instruments, sharp objects, full buckets of water everywhere within Yuri's reach. I have no right to complain about it, as I only get shouted at, if I ever mention anything about dangerous things in the house.

He tells me "you always want to have it easy", so I am wrong again that I am worried about my child's environment...

The worst is that when the floor is full of debry and small rubbish, he would not let me vaccum-clean it. He always screams at me that I do not do things properly, that there is no point vacuuming many times, we should only do it once, after the work is done.. yes, great reasoning.. but Yuri is crawling over all this rubbish - and he can hurt himself, or put small objects into his mouth..

No, Harry would not care less.

Right now our house is in such a state, I feel it's dangerous even for us. There are nails sticking out, pieces of wood that can fall on you any time.. and the floor is covered with stuff, but mainly tools and sharp objects.
Now Harry admits it's not very safe, so from the minute I am back home with Yuri, I can not leave him along not even for 1 minute. There is simply no safe place for him to be in the entire house!

And with all this, harry still expects me to cook for him, look after Yuri and ensure he does not cry!

Friday night I was so upset, I did not want to cook for him. He said "ok, let you be happy, don't cook for me".
so I had dinner with Yuri.
then harry came to me and started pleading me to cook something for him.. for some reason he decided it had to be porridge. He spent all evening going after me and pleading me to do it. I said "no, don't you understand what a no means".
but of course he does not. He tried everything, pleading, screaming, threatening me, etc, etc... he just could not accept the idea that I am refusing to do something for him.

It was very tiring, another evening wasted. I did not do it at the end, but I don't think he learned anything from it either.

He is getting ever so unbearable, screaming at me first thing in the morning for silly little things.

Working with him on the house is an absolute torture... if I promise to do something by 12:00 noon, at 10:00 he would already complain that I have not done and that he has to chase me because he does not trust that I'll do it on time... anyways. I hate him... I can't wait to be as far away from him as possible.

Last night he continued interrogating me about "what I told Stephanie".
He took the remote, turned off the sound and would not allow me to watch TV.
As usual I had to leave.. He insisted that he did not stop me from watching my program. That it was my choice to leave. Yea.. right!

Also he told me that he got fired yesterday. I don't know whether to believe it or not.. but he said there is no job for him, so they asked him to stop.

I know that if he wanted to, he could have continued on the same conditions,. But he wanted a permanent job, so he kept pushing. I guess his boss just got tired of him pushing him all the time. So now even continuing a temporary job is not an option. He is so selfish. All he cares about is his pride. His family comes in the very last place.

I wish I could just fire him too..

He also said that he does not want to live... that one day I'll come home and he'll be dead. He looked scary when he was saying it..
well, I am not kicking him out or anything, and will still support him financially (though he has 5 times more savings than me).

What worries me most is that Yuri would have to stop going to the nursery. It's such a shame, he likes it there so much..

And the other thing of course, I will have almost no opportunities for packing my things. But who cares, I will leave him anyway. And I can always return to pick up my belongings later on.

This morning he kept agruing with me, and he demanded I make him a cup of tea.. he would not let me do anything. He grabbed me and would not let me to get dressed or get ready for work, so I gave up. He does not know how close he is to loosing me foreever.

Yuri's invitation is ready.. so one step closer to the goal.

I made my wish today - please let it happen.. Let me be free!

Ciao Vivi,

Sorry it took me a while to reply. It looks like there are some gaps in the story, so I’ll try to explain it a bit better. As you know after we got married I returned to England and Harry went back to San Francisco. In December that year I went to see him in America, and helped him to pack and move to the UK. I also found a place for us to stay here in England, etc. etc. Just before we left America we had a beautiful holiday in Hawaii (and this is where Yuri decided that it was time for him to start his life).. So basically by the time we arrived to England to start our life together, I was already pregnant, though I did not even realise it… I was confident that I wanted a baby, and though we initially wanted it to happen a bit later (may be 6 months later or so), I was very happy anyways.. and Harry was not at first.. He was a bit shocked. It was extra stress for him, in addition to moving to a new country, changing jobs etc.etc, living in a the new apartment (which he hated at the time – the one that we ended up buying). So when we started living together he was not the happiest person in the world. I tried to be as understanding and caring as possible and made lots of efforts to make him happy. His first request was not to have any phone calls in the evenings, as it irritated him very badly, so I had to ask my friends not to call us…And I also had to cut own on seeing friends, but I felt it was not a big deal then… At first we had a pretty normal life of a newly married couple, with canle light dinners every night. We even saw some friends together and went travelling.. but slowly slowly at was getting worse and worse, especially after he lost his job. I was not allowed to tell any of my friends that he was not working, as he was so ashamed of it… and he did not want to see anyone for the same very reason. And of course it got worse was after Yuri’s birth, as he felt I was no longer interested in him. And the very worst was when I went back to work in January.. Exactly a year ago was the most difficult time I’ve ever experienced in my life….
He was looking after Yuri well, in a sense that the baby was clean and fed and he slept OK. He never took him out of the house for a walk, and most of the time Yuri was left to entertain himself… I think he learned not to cry, but he was (and still is) a very shy little boy…
The trouble was that there were so many issues around Yuri which we could not agree on, and he always pushed me to do things his way.. it was very hard.. Most women complain that their husbands/partners don’t get involved with little babies. Harry is another extreme: he is too involved and he wants to be in control of everything. When it concerns your baby who you want to protect, and someone wants you to do something that you believe is not good for the baby, it’s really difficult… He loves Yuri is his own crazy possessive way. He can play with him and make him laugh, but he also screams at him when he is angry and is already talking about how he is going to beat him up if he does not behave. As I am against and physical punishment or any type of violence, I feel like I have to protect my son from his father…
This is where I think I realised that I can’t live like that.
My mother and sister know what is going on. My mother witnessed his anger attacks, and all other unpleasant things that happen usually behind the closed doors. Harry has also done things that really upset my mother, and this is something that I can not forgive…
Though my mom has some traditional views on marriage (I.e. better be married than divorced), I think she understands why I want to leave him. And my sister is extremely supportive and understanding. My father does not really know anything… but one day he will know too.

I often wonder why can we not be happy... we’ve got everything, but yet we suffer every day.
Only days I feel happy is when I am not with him… It’s like being in an emotional prison, when he is around me. He wants me to love him, but he wants to force me to love him by screaming at me and constantly criticizing me… Love does not work this way, unfortunately, and this is all very sad.

I hope it’s a bit warmer now in Rome. Here it’s not too bad now, days are getting a bit longer and brighter and spring is on the way…
Now I know that every day brings me closer to freedom. I am very scared, I’ve got a lot to loose (material things and sense of stability). But as they say in Russia, “who does not risk, does not drink champagne”, so one day all the troubles will be behind and every day will be a happy celebration of life.

My lunch break is over – today I devoted it to you, Vivi.

Take care and write to me soon!

Asya



ciao asya. dopo aver letto quanto mi hai scritto nella tua email precedente sono ancora piu' scioccata.

praticamente questa situazione andava avanti se ho ben capito addirittura da prima della nascita di yuri, o sbaglio? cioe', non e' stata la nascita Читать далее...

I seem to be feeling better. no more tears.. which is great!

Harry keeps reminding me how impossible it is to live with him.
Last night he started interrogating me again. he wanted to know more about my meeting with Anne and Steph. he wanted to know if we talked about him and what was said. I replied that I have told him everything on Sunday and have nothing more to say, but he kept asking and asking the same question.. He insisted he can feel that I am hiding something and that he would not let go until I tell him. He seems obsessed.
I told him many times that I have nothing to say, but he kept insisting. I finally left the room. As I was leaving he told me "I'll ask you again tomorrow".. so tonight I can't expect a peaceful night again.

It makes me very tired.. I wanted to relax, but instead I got all upset. He is so pushy, it's very hard for me to bear it.
I do everything that he demands against my will. I come home from work and cook for him, I look after Yuri, I bring Harry a cup of tea. I do not bother him with any questions. But I am still a source of his pain and irritation - this is so unfair!

This morning yet another drama. Harry made a rule that in the morning I can't pick Yuri up from his bed untill Harry goes to work, because Harry can't stand Yuri crying. So even when Yuri is awake, I am not allowed to take him. Even if he is crying in his cot...
The earliest time that I am allowed to go into his room is 7:15.
This morning I went in at 7:10, cause my work clothes was in the wardrobe in Yuri's room and I wanted to get dressed.

So Harry got angry and screamed at me.. he even poked my face with his fingeres, which was so annoying I lost control and got angry too. He insisted I have to prepare my clothes the night before.

We have had this discussion in the past and I usually prepare my clothes the night before. this morning I forgot, so what? why making so much drama. He accused me of arguing with him and told me that because of me he will miss his train. He said I was screaming at him, whereas it was him who screamed all the time.

Is it a way to start a new day?

I am so tired of him controlling everything, when and where I have to dress, when I can and can not attend to Yuri...

My motivation to end this kind of life is getting strong again.
I am scared, but I am going to do it. There is no love left in my heart, and life is too short... Every day I feel like he is stealing my free time away from me to ensure that there is no time left when I can be enjoying myself and feeling happy.

I will be packing my first lot of clothes today at lunch.

Last night we had a normal evening.. It is so rare these days, it feels almost unreal.

Harry had to pick something up in the evening, and then he also went to buy some food. He came home 1 hour later than usual.
I was along with Yuri at home, it was wonderful. Yuri behaved like a little angel, he had some food and then he played happily by himself and with me. And I had time to do everything I wanted. I cooked dinner, cleaned the living room, folded the washing, gave Yuri a bath and played with him and sang songs. I even had a nice long telephone chat with my family. It was so nice!!!

And when Harry got home, he took Yuri into his arms, and they both played and laughed and were so happy!

And then I put Yuri to bed, and we had dinner and watched an interesting program on TV. We did not argue for once.. it was so strange.

When I went to bed, I was asking myself : "why can it not be like this every day". Why does Harry come home angry and looks for trouble?

We have everything to be happy: a home, a car, enough income for a comfortable life, and a delightful healthy little boy...


But yet, Harry is always complaining, and criticizing and making drama for nothing... I really can't understand why this is happening?

I am feeling extremely sad... I can cry at any time.. just the way it was last year, when Harry constantly used Yuri to threaten me and torture me.. the wound is still there.

I have lost all my energy and all my desires.. I am doubting myself.
I thought I was strong, but I am not...
Where did my confidence go? I was so sure of everything just a couple of days ago.. but now I am scared and completely lost.

I hate feeling this way, but how can I get out?

Too much drama has been happening recently.. Is it because I can't handle it anymore?

Stephanie called me on Thursday to say that Anne was coming to London on Sunday. They are both staying in the same hotel not too far (2 stops by metro) from Paddington. We made arrangements to meet. I was excitied.

But of course once I told Harry about it, he told me that I can't go and meet my friends in the hotel, but instead they have to come and meet me. He did not want me to take the tube or bus.
He was angry at my friends that they are so selfish.. that they want me to get on a tube with a little child. He said he would not let me go meet them, unless they come to Paddington.
He could not care less that Anne would have travelled for 12 hours on the plane and then may by another hour or more to reach the hotel, that she is 6 months pregnant... this was not good enough excuse for him.


I could not understand why he would even care, he was not going.
I did not mind going to the hotel. We were happy with our arrangments. Why did he have to step in and demand that we do it differently, though this would be inconvinient for all?

To ensure everything goes the way he want, he took the phone while I was speaking to Stephanie and started screaming at her. He demanded that they come to Paddington.

It was all very draining. At the end he got what he wanted ( as usual).

Anne and Steph came to meet me at the coffee shop near Paddington.
we had a nice time together.. it was great.. but at one point when I told them some of the things that have been happening, Steph could not hold her tears.. and neither could I. we were both sitting there and crying.

Since that moment extreme sadness is overwhelming me... I only told them so little, may be 1% of what has been going on... and it makes people cry...

I feel that I can not fight anymore.. I can not live like this, but I lost my spirit.

Harry of course interrogated me all evening yesterday. And of course I had to pretent that we did not talk about him.. and at the end my tears started coming out. I could not control it...
I can't play games like this anymore.. I am too tired.

I don't watch TV a lot, sometimes we watch programs together with Harry in the evenings. Most of the time he watches TV by himself, and I never complain or say anything. I always let him watch whatever he wants.

Very occasionally there are programs which I want to watch, but he does not, and each time he uses it as a tool for torturing me.

He would complain that the program is stupid, flick the channels all the time.. demand that I let him watch something else, or just find different ways to distruct ma and stop me from watching it.

Couple of times I was very upset and I left the room and went to bed. Both times he apologised the next day and promised that he would never do it again, and that I can watch anything I want.. and guess what?

As soon as there a program on TV that I wanted to watch, he's done it again. This time it was "Hotel Babilon"...
He kept complaining about the stupidity of the show and in the end concluded that I should buy another TV.

I guess he will never change... I can't believe how close I am from putting this all behind!

Last night I came home and I was really worried that Harry will go crazy when he comes home and sees that Yuri has had a haircut despite my promises.

I would have called him to warn him about it, but he forgot his phone in the car the day before.

So I left him a note, the letter from the nursery that explains what happened and his phone.

So I went to Waitrose. I sat down with Yuri in the coffee shop. He was looking lovely and behaved like a little angel. He had a shortbreat biscuit and some water, and I had a cup of tea... I had a lovely moment with him there.. Then the phone rang, as expected and Harry asked me to come home. He refused to speak to me over the phone. I told him that Yuri had a haircut and asked him to read the letter.

What I got home it was a total disaster. Harry's face was black from anger. He closed the door, asked me to sit down and started an hour long tantrum. He was shouting, throwing objects around.. after he checked my phone (where the time of call from the nursery was stamped) he threw the phone to the other end of the room. He then torn the nursery letter into pieces.

It was no longer about the haircut.. The essence of his speach was: if I ever do something crazy like leaving the house the way I did, we are all going to be sorry. He will do something to both me and Yuri, and I will regret my stupid actions.
He said I had ambarrased him in front of all the neighbours, cause I left the house in the evening.


He was truly out of control. I did not confront him. I listened and apologised that this made him angry. In fact I apologized about 10 times. I then did everything the way he wanted. I cooked his dinner.
He wanted to eat right away and would not let me dress Yuri, who was just our of the bath. So I took Yuri to eat with us still wet and wrapped in the bath towel. I did not say anything. I was very calm. Now I know that this will be over soon, I can be somehow detached from the situation.

I feel like I am just an actor in a play, and I only have to do until the performance is over.. It's so much easier for me now.

I know I will escape..

Later Harry told me that he feels that I am going to do something, and he would not know how to deal with it.

He is damn right!!!

Yuri has not had a hair cut for about 5 months. Harry used to cut his hair, but then somehow he decided not to do it anymore and let his hair grow. Now it has become too long, and get's into Yuri's eyes. Not to mention it does not look good either.

There is a hairdressing service in Yuri's nursery once a month. A lady comes and cuts hair for 7 pounds. I have told Harry, if you don't cut Yuri's hair by the 31st of January, I'll have it done in the nursery on the 31st. I told him that in the beginning of January, but he did not seem to worry about it.

So yesterday (January 30) Harry had to come to the nursery with us, as he needed the car, and droped me off at work.

He got really angry while he was waiting for me in the parking lot.
I arrived first, but I did not enter the nursery first, I let another 3 people go before me, and therefopre Harry had to wait for me for a minute longer.. His anger grew out of proportion when he found out that I also paid for the haircut (for January 31st). He demanded I go back and cancel it. At the end he came with me in the evening and demanded that I take the money back and cancel the haircut.

Despite my strong desire to make Yuri look decent, I had to obey.
Donna (the manager) gave me the money back.


Afterwards there was a big drama. Harry stopped the car and lecutred and screamed at me... He accused me of being selfish and cotrolling, he interpreted this is a "personal attack" on him. In his eyes I wanted to book this haircut to prove that I am stronger than Harry. He told me that I do not care about Yuri. Having his hair cut by some stranger would be a big trauma for him! Someone will be sticking sharp sceassors into his head, he will be crying. I am a cruel mother, if I want this to happen to my baby. Yuri can not have this haircut, because he is just a baby!
The conclusion was that Harry will be cutting his hair.
Harry was really horrible to me on the way home, and at home.
I was quiet. I cooked dinner and asked him to come and eat. He was a bit calmer after he's had some food.

I have tried once again to raise the subject of the haircut.. It was a disaster of course. More shouting, horrible accusations and threats followed. At the end I gave up...

I took Yuri to the nursery this morning, and I did not say anything.
At 10:30 my phone rung. Donna from the nursery called to say that she is "terribly sorry, she forgot to cross Yuri's name off the list, so he did get a haircut"... she said she accepted full responsibility, she was so sorry...

I am was just smiling as my heart was filling with joy!!!!

Emotional abuse
Many women experience domestic violence without ever being physically abused. Sometimes they're not sure if what is happening to them is domestic violence. They worry no-one will take them seriously if they talk about it.

If you alter your behaviour because you are frightened of how your partner will react, you are being abused. Emotional abuse is an attack on your personality rather than your body.

This list can help you recognise whether your partner is controlling you:
Are you afraid of your partner?
Do you feel isolated? Does he cut you off from family and friends?
Is he jealous and possessive?
Does he humiliate or insult you?
Does he verbally abuse you?
Does he say you are useless and couldn't cope without him?
Has he threatened to hurt you or people close to you?
Does he constantly criticise you?
Does he have sudden changes of mood which dominate the household?
Is he charming one minute, abusive the next? Like Dr Jekyll / Mr Hyde?
Does he control your money?
Do you feel dominated and controlled?
Do you change your behaviour to avoid triggering an attack?
Are you unsure of your own judgement?


There are so many different ways of being abusive. Here are a few examples:
Damaging your possessions.
Smashing up the furniture.
Threatening to kill the pets.
Threatening to kidnap or get custody of the children.
Driving fast because he knows it scares you.
Locking you out of the house during an argument.
Telling you what to wear or how to do your hair.


Emotional abuse can be as harmful as physical abuse. It often leads to physical violence over time.

Harry loves to pick Yuri up from the floor while he is playing happily on his own.He grabs Yuri's face into his hands and covers it with very strong kisses. It usually upsets Yuri a lot, and he ends up crying really hard. And it takes me a while to calm him down. I have asked Harry so many times not to do it, but he just does not understand.

Sometimes Harry also does it when he is holding Yuri, and then Yuri does not cry, but his face shows how unpleasant these strong kisses are for him. Harry laughs: "he does not like my kisses".. and keeps doing it every single day.

Violence does not only mean to phisically hurt someone. Total disrespect for other people's feelings - is not it is a form of violence too?

В воскресение я решила прилечь отдохнуть пока Юрик спал.. но он быстро проснулся и заплакал у себя в кроватке. Тогда я взяла его к себе, и он уснул у моей груди. Так он и лежал, тихо посапывая, рядышком со мной, с головою приникшей к моему плечу. Мой взгляд скользил по его лицу, и я просто не могла налюбоваться на своё маленкое сокровище. Темные прядки волос, слегка прикрываюшие его ровно очерченные бровки, аккуратненький носик, длинные темные ресницы, оттеняющие белизну его нежной кожи, легкий румянец на пухлых шечках, очарователные полураскрытые губки - слегка припухшиые и раскрасневшиеся.. Он казался мне верхом совершенства. Неужели можно так быть влюбленной в своего собственного сына? Мне хотелось чтобы этот момент никогда не кончался.

Dear Vivi,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and for your care about me. I know this is all pretty terrible, I never though that ever in my lifetime I can find myself in this kind of situation.
I do of course look back and keep trying to understand how it all happened… There is no simple answer to this. I can certainly see that there have been many alarm bells ringing in the past, but somehow I decided to ignore them. Even my two best friends warned me before the wedding that I may be making a big mistake… But of course I did not listen, and decided to go ahead. Was it because I was just curious and wanted to find out what will happen if we stay together? Was I too much in love and therefore completely blind? Was it because there was nobody else willing to get married and have a family with me? Was I too naïve – and saw only good sides and nothing bad? Or was I simply too idealistic, believing that the power of my life can make this person happy?

Whatever the answer to this question is, it does not really matter. I accept full responsibility for this decision, it was entirely my choice! I have nobody to blame, and I do not even regret it. If this happened, this must have had a purpose in my life – I am going to learn something very important from this experience. In any case this was in the past, so I can not change it. What I can change – is the future. I know it will not be easy, but after what I’ve been through in the past 2 years I feel like I have nothing to gain from staying in this relationship. And if I do get out, I will get my life back and be a happy person again – there is too much at stake and worth taking the risk.

I don’t think there a way to save our family. You can not cure someone who does not admit that he is ill. Harry does not think that there is anything wrong with him. He would never, I mean NEVER, go to speak to someone about his problems. When I did mention that he needs help, he got furious, he told me to shut up and never mention this type of things again. So I don’t believe there is a chance to resolve our problems at all.

He is completely messed up, and it seems to be getting worse. Sometimes I can not recognise the man that I married. We used to go to parties, visit places and had common friends. He was very generous back than. Poor student with debts, he would buy me a really expensive birthday present, pay for me when we went out.. And now, he’s god a big savings account, a house and a car and he would not event buy anything for my birthday! Nothing at all!
He used to live in a tiny studio, and he still invited people to his place. Now we have a reasonable sized apartment, and I am not allowed to invite anyone! Even before we started the renovation, he did not allow my friends to come and stay with us for the weekend. He threatened me that he would leave our home if my friends come. I was pregnant back then, and only had him near me, so he manipulated me that way. Since we started the house renovation, nobody is allowed to come to our house (apparently Harry is ashamed of the state the house is in). So for the first time in my life I actually own a place, but I can not invite anyone to come and visit, is not it ridiculous?

Your observations of him are so right to the point. The more I think about it, the more I realise how hopeless his case is… He is just so mentally disturbed, unstable and sometimes openly very evil. He does not communicate with anyone, he has no friends, and he even stopped speaking with his family. I am the only person who knows who he truly is… so I am now his worst enemy, because I can tell the rest of the world things that he wants to hide. So his main goal now is to be as secretive as possible with me. So he would not tell me anything, however he interrogates me and constantly demands to know everything about me… this is extremely difficult to live. He is very unhappy in his little world of fears and constant suspicions. It’s very frightening. So he needs to be controlling and his way of getting what he wants is constant threats and pressure. He imposes his ways of me, and invents rules that cover every aspect of our daily life. He is so much stronger, that I give in most of the time. When I can’t take it anymore and confront him, the results are even more disastrous, I am very tired of it.

You are right – the most difficult part is to get out safely. You can’t imagine, how many times I wanted to run away,.. But I have no place to go, and it’s not a simple thing to do with a young baby. That’s why I have to be patient and wait for the right moment to do it. I have a plan in my head, but until it’s carried out, there is no point talking about it. I just have to survive the time between now and the day when I will be free again. I am really loosing control some days, and overreact. He makes me so mad, it’s not healthy. I hate him so much, it frightens even me. But at least I am no longer emotionally attached to him and I Читать далее...

time to continue with my sad stories...

One of the very strange times was during my mother's stay with us in september - october 2005...

I did tolerate when Harry was hurting me, and I even tolerated when he was harming Yuri... but what made it completely not acceptable is when he decided to hurt my mother too..

She came to help and was generously giving us all her time and love!!! She did not want anything in return!

And what did she get back from my husband?
constant criticism? suspicions? accusations?
this is just to name a few

When he first started going to work, I was extremely happy - it was the happiest moment of that entire year..

Yuri was finally in good hands, and I was coming home seeing him so happy! I've never seen him like that before, the transformation was so quick and so obvious - he smiled and laughed and was just a totally different child! On top of this, my mother would tell me every little detail about his day - funny little things that happened.. it was fantastic.. So different from the time when Yuri was with Harry and Harry refused to tell me anything at all, whenever I asked questions, he got angry and accused me of not trusitng him or being controlling.

Anyways, not only was it exciting to come home to my mother and Yuri, my momther was also willing to help with some house work, she wanted to do a bit of cooking, which meant I could have a little extra time with Yuri and for myself.. It was too good to be true..

but of course Harry would not let it last.. whenever he was coming home from work, the first thing he did was looking around and finding something to complain about.. he always managed to find something that was not right.. yuri not looking good enough, food being left on the table.. he questioned everything about Yuri's day, and got furious when Yuri's routine got slightly modified comared to the routine that he had when Harry was looking after him.. He accused my mother of not doing things properly, not feeding hime properly, putting him on the potty too early.. you name it!!!

Whenever we heard the door opening, it was like a storm suddenly happening in the middle of a beautiful sunny day. we could only enjoy about 1 hour of happienss and then Harry made sure we were in hell!!!!

On top of that to make sure that I don't have an easy life, he refused to eat what my mother was cooking. It was very rude. One day he told me that he wanted to eat soup. So I asked my mom to make some fish soup, which Harry usually liked a lot. So when he came home and I offered him the soup he got very angry, he said that he won't eat it, because I did not cook it. And he demanded I cook something separately for him. Needless to say, my mother was very offended.

His anger and terrible behaviour - demanding dinner being ready for him every time when he is back from work, it stressed my mother so much. She was so scared of his anger, she pleaded me to go straight to the kitchen and cook dinner, as soon as I returned from work... she would not even want me to paly with Yuri...

So Harry has achieved his goal, my life did not become easier, my mother was unhappy, and he got away with all this.

It was a sacrifice for Yuri, at least he was happy, and tha was the main thing for me and for my mother..

And Harry, I just lost any respect that had left for him.. If he was not ashamed to hurt my mother, and to be disrespectful to her... I can never ever respect this man again.

My mother will never come back while I am still with Harry. when she returns next time, it will be a much happier experience.

This morning he got angry cause I picked up Yuri at 7:00am (he was awake and was crying), instead of letting him cry for 5-10 minutes and picking him up at 7:15 or leter..

he has his set ideas and wants me to obey.. he gets annoyed that Yuri is sometimes crying (winging) while we are getting ready to go to work.

He told me off, he said: "why did you WAKE him up? now he is going to cry again..." But Yuri was happy, and was smiling at Harry instead.. but Harry did not like it and did not smile back. he looked at him with a very angry face. he always does it, when he is angry at me, he is not nice with Yuri either.. this really bothers me, cause it's not fair to Yuri.

then Yuri wanted some of Harry's toast.. but Harry got even more angry and took the plate with his toast away, and said "this if for me, he can't have any of my toast"!

Then Yuri really started crying.. I took him to the kitchen and made him a new toast.. he was upset until his toast was ready.. and Harry did not even eat his until much later.


this is so silly really... he gets angry and makes everyone around him unhappy for such stupid little things.

He just wants to control everything, what time I pick up Yuri, what we do. He even demands that I don't get dressed in the living room, casue someone might see me through the window. Silly man.