This has been a strange holiday… Not at all as I pictured it.
The flight itself went very well, I loved it. Yuri behaved himself, and was adorable, the only challenge was on the plane, when he got bored, and I ran out of ideas on how to entertain him. In fact he wanted to run around, which was literally impossible on that plane. But overall it was painless and rather enjoyable. We also got our quickly at the airport, and I was pleased to see the improvements in Sheremetyevo – one of the ugliest airports I have ever seen. Favad and my father were already expecting us, which was great. The first glimpse of Moscow was very disappointing – so dirty and ugly, worse even because of the rain and very gloomy weather.
Arriving home was a magical moment, seeing everyone and giving them huge hugs.. Even all the neighbors came too – it was very exciting. We had a very lovely evening all together. But the night that followed was a bit tough. Yuri was still ill from the nursery, so the first two nights he did not sleep well, and neither did I, of course. He then got better, but I was still unable to fall asleep at night.
I guess I was too excited, and happy. It was so wonderful to be home! My plan was to take it easy the first week, and not do much – just play with Yuri and let him get used to the new place. I though I would go out the week after, with my sister and to catch up with friends. The plan has failed miserably, as I got ill with a terrible cold half way through and wasted one of the two weeks that I had, being very weak and not able to do anything.

Despite all that, and despite me feeling more tired physically than before this holiday, emotionally it has been exactly what I needed. I truly relaxed, and switched off… Harry and our home troubles seem so distant, it almost appears unreal. I enjoyed this quiet peaceful time, without any stress, hurry or pressure. I have never played with Yuri that much – every day I feel more and more blessed with the amazing child that I have. He is so sweet and happy – he is enjoying himself so much, it’s an endless pleasure watching him.
I am delighted to see how well he is getting on with everyone in the family, and even with the people who he meets for the first time. He is no longer that wild shy boy, that feels uneasy with strangers. In the contrary, he is charming and sweet, and not hesitating to smile. It fills my heart with joy to see him so happy here. I knew that he will feel good, while surrounded by people who love him so much, but what I am observing is beyond my best expectations.

There have been many nice moments. The evening with Selyametova was great, and also with Madina and Natasha with kids (shame I was already feeling ill, and could not enjoy it more). Our evenings with Tanya, chats with my mom, walks with Yuri.. and just watching him and laughing together with Tanya and mom, was excellent. I also loved seeing him playing with my father – and they even went for a walk together, just the two of them, and Yuri loved it! Seeing Yulia was so nice too, though it was very short, I’ll always have very warm memories. Everyone who came to see us has been so generous, Yuri got lots of presents for the first time ever.

I have managed to get some important things done, and I am very pleased to have Yuri in my passport. This is an important step, and I know that I’ll come back again soon. I am disgusted by the system here, and ever so glad that I do not have to live here and deal with it on a daily basis – it’s total chaos.

Seeing Natasha has not made much of a difference, but at least I got it over and done with, and no longer need to wonder about what she might have said.

In brief, these were the main conclusions:
• We are two halves that found each other, which is very rare. She believes we belong together, and is convinced that even if I leave, I’ll go back to him, as I won’t be able to live without him.
• He is scared about the opinions of others, as he saw a family being destroyed due to someone’s “big mouth”
• He has re-evaluated his vision on life and realized that he does not want to loose me. He is genuinely willing to change and things will get better, the crisis is over.
• Harry loves Yuri very deeply and they are “the same souls” , will understand each other without words. Yuri is protected from Harry’s pressure by my love.
• She said Harry has clairvoyant’s powers, he is possibly having visions of death, and he is very afraid of it. This could be one of the possible reasons that he decided to change.
• I have allowed him to treat me this way, cause I loved him, and was ready to sacrifice my happiness for him. Now according to her, I still love him, but in a different way. I can get what I want, as I have a stronger character. I just have to discuss and negotiate everything with him, and still do what I want to do. She thinks right now I am “on the right track, and doing what’s needed to see things getting better.
• She Читать далее...

It’s been really strange and very hard to believe, but Harry has been behaving like an absolutely normal person. We did not fight and have had absolutely normal communication, chatting about different things and being in agreement about everything. He has also been quite co-operative, and he keeps saying that he will get better and better from now on.
He said he realised how we are wasting our lives arguing, whereas we have everything to be happy. He was recently speaking with his mother, and was lecturing her about this, and then realised that he was making the same mistake.

I do not know what to think, but I seem to have calmed down, and I am able to sleep too.

Whatever it is, I am just accepting it for now. Knowing him, I can expect this to end at any time, and then will go ahead and file for divorce. If this is to last, may be there is a chance that I will be able to put all the painful experienced behind, forgive him and move on. I simply do not know. Let’s see!

Vivi,
Once again I have to agree with you, I think recent events are a sign from above. I have made a plan out of desperation. I wanted things to improve, but I did not know how to change the situation I am in. It was so frustrating, I was ready to do anything just to get away from him.
Now that things have changed around me, I have an option not to do what I planned.. May be someone from above is telling me that this in fact was not a good plan at all?
I also agree that I need to understand why I allowed this to happen to me? And how can I cure the wounds and move on, looking forward to happiness.
I understand now that my first mistake was to misjudge his obsession about me, his inability to accept a "NO". I thought it was a sign of a great love, but now I know that it was not.
I must have made some mistakes, and I will learn a lot from it. I will not be afraid to get some help from outside. I have never been in a abusive relationship before, so I don't think this is a pattern, and I am somehow very positive about the future (not necessarily with Harry, but the future in general).
I will share some more things with you once I am in Moscow.
I am finally calming down and able to sleep again. It's bee calm at home too.
I had a very nice weekend. Went to see Pascal and some other friends on Saturday, and Harry did not make any drama at all , for the first time in the last 2 years.
Not sure if I told you, Pascal had a baby boy last year (now 7 month old), really beautiful little boy! They are also having problems with his partner, and he is in fact leaving her for some time (taking a break to decide what to do). We talked with him about the issues that had, and it sounded so similar! I was almost shocked. May be what we went through is not so uncommon after all? We also saw Stefanie and Steve with Harry yesterday, Stef will have her second baby at the end of May. Harry has been behaving like a normal person, which seem too good to be true.
Yuri is ever so happy, always smiling and laughing…
And I only have one more week before the holidays!
I will be in touch.

Lots of love and thanks again for all the time you spent to tell me what you think, and for asking all the good questions!
Asya

1. mi sembra che ritorni il tema del giudizio. h. mi sembra ossessionato da giudizi e valutazioni su di lui dati da terzi. mi aveva colpito ad es. il fatto che non voleva che tu dicessi a nessuno che aveva perso il lavoro. come se non sapesse reggere le possibili critiche del suo modo di essere, di comportarsi o di affrontare i problemi della vita. chissa' perche'. questo lo rende una persona insicura e vulnerabile, permeabile alle azioni degli altri e incapace di essere vero protagonista della sua vita sia nel bene che nel male.

You are absolutely right - you went straight to the point!!!! He is so scared of some imaginary people that would judge him.. He is so ashamed of any failures, and of facing them, it seems insane to me. He is speaking of committing suicide, as he would not stand the humiliation of say police arrest or divorce. He is extremely scared that people would find out that our marriage is not perfect. He is absorbed by his fears!



2.i rapporti non si costruiscono sulla paura di perdere qualcosa o qualcuno. se sei una persona matura decidi e scegli autonomamente: un lavoro, un partner, un progetto di vita. spesso incalzati dalle difficolta' si sceglie per convenienza o compromesso, ma ci si assume la responsabilita' di non essere stati coerenti e di subirne le conseguenze. basta saperlo e lo si accetta con serenita' senza farsene troppi drammi. ma voler conservare lo status quo, dopo tutto il male che si e' fatto, soltanto perche' si ha paura di perdere tutto, francamente mi sembra rischioso da accettare. e' come quando uno ha la pistola puntata alla tempia. in quel momento sei disposto a giurare o promettere qualsiasi cosa, poi quando ti abbassano la pistola, rialzi la testa e ricominci a mollare calci a destra e sinistra...

It's also extremely disturbing for me that he decided to change all over sudden simply because he realise that there is a real threat that I will leave him, and worse even for him that police will be involved and his reputation ruined. I actually feel quite insulted by that. This definitely has nothing to do with love.

He said lots of things that day, and most of them he did not mean, and it's exactly as what you are saying, as he had to escape a gun, so was ready to promise anything and everything, just to get away.



3.quando ti ha detto che aveva paura di perdere tutto ha proprio detto: "house, yuri and me"? cioe' ha proprio messo la casa davanti alla famiglia (e te per ultima) o e' una tua elencazione casuale? se e' la prima, e' un ulteriore segnale inconscio che lui e' piu' legato a se stesso e al suo benessere materiale che a voi.



Well, I do not remember if Yuri was first or the house was first, but I was surely the last thing he was worried about! He loves Yuri, cause this wonderful boy gives him the so much needed love and acceptance. Plus he can fully control him, as of course Yuri does whatever Harry says!

He does not want to leave the house, as he has transformed him with his own hands, and he has nowhere else to go.

I think he needs me because he can rely on me, and he gets everything he needs, without giving anything back. Realising that he is just using me, does not really make me enthusiastic about staying with him any longer.



4.da tutto quello che mi racconti l'unica nota positiva e' che lui abbia scelto di andare dallo psicologo e di fare terapia di coppia con te. e' una piccola iniziale ammissione che riconosce di avere dei problemi e di volerli risolvere. la terapia di coppia inoltre fara' bene non solo a lui ma anche a te per chiarirti le idee su come vuoi continuare a comportarti. se ci va veramente e se vuoi dargli una chance di vedere se e' possibile un nuovo equilibrio, pero', devi metterti in testa che non sara' questione di settimane o mesi, ma di anni...ovvero non e' realistico che lui ti chieda di aspettare fino a maggio. a maggio sara' ancora nel pieno dei suoi problemi e delle sue paure e anzi certe terapie fanno scattare delle reazioni a volte imprevedibili (perche' uno comincia a riconoscere i suoi problemi, magari non li accetta e non riesce neanche ad accettare di cambiare. ma certo, ognuno di noi reagisce in modo diverso alle terapie psicologiche).



Well, I think he said it, because he thought that it would convince me that he is serious. I know him, and I can bet that he will never do this. He'll find excuses and deep inside he does not even believe in it. He is convinced he can change without any help.



a questo punto, credo che sara' molto importante l'incontro con gli psicologi (magari potresti avere anche tu qualche colloquio per capire meglio tu cosa vuoi fare) che vi potranno aiutare a decifrare i motivi del vostro malessere.

continuo ad avere dei dubbi sul fatto che vuoi lasciare yuri a mosca: lui ha bisogno di te, cosi piccolo, e tu di lui, ti da forza e gioia. senza di lui avresti delle preoccupazioni in piu' e non saresti cosi serena da affrontare il lavoro con h.. Читать далее...

asya cara, qualcosa si sta muovendo e i fatti spesso non succedono per caso.
vorrei che tu non fossi cosi pessimista su h e sul vostro futuro. ci sono dei momenti dentro la coppia che sono molto difficili da vivere soprattutto se non si ha autonomia come individui e ci si lascia assorbire dalla simbiosi e se non ci sono delle persone esterne alla coppia che possano aiutare a vedere la realta' (non i film che spesso ci facciamo in testa).
allora aggiungo due cose a quello che ho scritto ieri.

se h e' arrivato al punto di nevrosi, forse addirittura psicosi, che mi racconti e' perche' i suoi problemi originari sono ritornati a galla nel rapporto con te e lui te li ha tutti buttati addosso. quindi una buona parte di responsabilita' e' sua. ma devi farti un esame di coscienza, asya: se lui ha potuto allargarsi in questo modo con le sue fissazioni, vessazioni emozionali, torture psicologiche etc etc in parte e' perche' tu gliel'hai lasciato fare, perche' l'hai accolto.
puo' essere che hai confuso la possessivita' e la dipendenza per passione e innamoramento, che hai accettato le sue imposizioni subdole e hai rinunciato alla tua vita, ai tuoi amici, che hai lasciato perdere la tua autonomia affettiva e psicologica per entrare in simbiosi con lui? e c'e' voluto molto tempo prima che tu capissi che questo non era amore ne' piacere ma plagio.
con questo voglio dirti che se lui dovra' fare il 70-80 % del lavoro di ricerca dentro di se' per capire perche' si comporta cosi e forse per cambiare qualcosa per stare meglio, anche tu asya devi affrontare questo percorso, per capire perche' ti sei lasciata andare cosi, perche' hai rinunciato a te stessa di fronte a quest'uomo.
io ti ho visto sempre come una persona che sapeva abbastanza bene quello che voleva e andava dritto all'obbiettivo: dalla russia in cina, diversi alberghi per crescere nella tua posizione professionale, poi di nuovo dalla russia insoddisfatta alla scelta dell'universita', il passaggio non facile dalla russia-cina all'europa occidentale..etc etc. e nel frattempo relazioni varie in cui hai amato e sei stata amata ma hai anche saputo dire "no": insomma cosa e' successo, che succede anche a te? non credi di aver bisogno anche tu, non delle mie modeste considerazioni, ma di capire meglio te stessa con un buon psicologo, per non cadere piu' in simili situazioni?
la mia terapista mi dice che spesso cado nelle trappole che io stessa mi costruisco e poi non so piu' uscirne. mi sembra un buon esempio anche per te: spesso da soli ci costruiamo le trappole in cui soffriamo e da cui vorremmo scappare. ma il problema non e' scappare dalla trappola, ma non costruirla piu'. capisci la differenza?

un'altra cosa. come ti dicevo prima, non devi essere pessimista. certo curare dei disturbi psicologici non e' come curare una frattura sia in termini di tempi che di certezze. ma gia' meta' del lavoro e' compiuto quando uno accetta di dire "ho bisogno di essere aiutato, perche' cosi non posso andare avanti".
avresti ragione a essere pessimista se h non avesse neanche compiuto questo passo, oppure se decidera' dopo il primo impatto di non ritornarci e lasciare le cose come stanno per vari motivi (perche' troppo doloroso, sconvolgente, troppo lungo o lento etc etc). ma se lui e tu deciderete di farvi aiutare con una terapia singola e di coppia sicuramente qualcosa cambiera'. attenta: potra' cambiare in varie direzioni, ma sarete piu' coscienti delle vostre decisioni e scelte. questo deve essere un punto fermo per te, se vuoi provare a dare una chance ad h.
e il fatto che abbia trovato un lavoro non deve distoglierlo da questo programma di ricerca, perche' se il lavoro gli potra' migliorare un po' la sua selfesteem e aumentare la sua autonomia anche economica, non risolvera' certo i suoi problemi di relazione intima con te.
se poi hai gia' realizzato che hai sofferto abbastanza e non vuoi andare oltre nella vita con lui, allora il mio discorso vale solo a meta', per te...

anche per me la vita e' cambiata di recente e ti assicuro che se non fossi stata in cura da 4 anni da una psicologa non avrei avuto la chiarezza e la forza per dire a cristina "lasciamoci". ce n'ho messo di tempo, ma alla fine ci sono arrivata anch'io a capire certi problemi di dipendenza, di mancanza di autonomia, sensi di colpa, perfino sadismo....

certo tu adesso vedi tutto nero e non vorresti altro che fosse tutto finito, vedrai che la vacanza ti fara' bene come dici tu, ti fara' vedere le cose dall'esterno..ma chissa' come ti suonano le mie parole..

e soprattutto non chiamarmi wise friend, mi fai sentire la vecchia strega sulla montagna che spande consigli e prevede il futuro, continuo ogni giorno a lavorare anch'io sulla mia psiche e mi sembra sempre di essre piena di difetti e problemi, altro che saggezza....

ti abbraccio,
viv, una delle tue amiche

ciao asya, ho letto con molto interesse i tuoi aggiornamenti, che mi sembra non spostano di un millimetro il nocciolo del problema e ti espongo alcune considerazioni in base a quello che mi descrivi, quindi premetto senza conoscere per niente h., ma solo la situazione raccontata:

1. mi sembra che ritorni il tema del giudizio. h. mi sembra ossessionato da giudizi e valutazioni su di lui dati da terzi. mi aveva colpito ad es. il fatto che non voleva che tu dicessi a nessuno che aveva perso il lavoro. come se non sapesse reggere le possibili critiche del suo modo di essere, di comportarsi o di affrontare i problemi della vita. chissa' perche'. questo lo rende una persona insicura e vulnerabile, permeabile alle azioni degli altri e incapace di essere vero protagonista della sua vita sia nel bene che nel male.

2.i rapporti non si costruiscono sulla paura di perdere qualcosa o qualcuno. se sei una persona matura decidi e scegli autonomamente: un lavoro, un partner, un progetto di vita. spesso incalzati dalle difficolta' si sceglie per convenienza o compromesso, ma ci si assume la responsabilita' di non essere stati coerenti e di subirne le conseguenze. basta saperlo e lo si accetta con serenita' senza farsene troppi drammi. ma voler conservare lo status quo, dopo tutto il male che si e' fatto, soltanto perche' si ha paura di perdere tutto, francamente mi sembra rischioso da accettare. e' come quando uno ha la pistola puntata alla tempia. in quel momento sei disposto a giurare o promettere qualsiasi cosa, poi quando ti abbassano la pistola, rialzi la testa e ricominci a mollare calci a destra e sinistra...

3.quando ti ha detto che aveva paura di perdere tutto ha proprio detto: "house, yuri and me"? cioe' ha proprio messo la casa davanti alla famiglia (e te per ultima) o e' una tua elencazione casuale? se e' la prima, e' un ulteriore segnale inconscio che lui e' piu' legato a se stesso e al suo benessere materiale che a voi.

4.da tutto quello che mi racconti l'unica nota positiva e' che lui abbia scelto di andare dallo psicologo e di fare terapia di coppia con te. e' una piccola iniziale ammissione che riconosce di avere dei problemi e di volerli risolvere. la terapia di coppia inoltre fara' bene non solo a lui ma anche a te per chiarirti le idee su come vuoi continuare a comportarti. se ci va veramente e se vuoi dargli una chance di vedere se e' possibile un nuovo equilibrio, pero', devi metterti in testa che non sara' questione di settimane o mesi, ma di anni...ovvero non e' realistico che lui ti chieda di aspettare fino a maggio. a maggio sara' ancora nel pieno dei suoi problemi e delle sue paure e anzi certe terapie fanno scattare delle reazioni a volte imprevedibili (perche' uno comincia a riconoscere i suoi problemi, magari non li accetta e non riesce neanche ad accettare di cambiare. ma certo, ognuno di noi reagisce in modo diverso alle terapie psicologiche).

a questo punto, credo che sara' molto importante l'incontro con gli psicologi (magari potresti avere anche tu qualche colloquio per capire meglio tu cosa vuoi fare) che vi potranno aiutare a decifrare i motivi del vostro malessere.
continuo ad avere dei dubbi sul fatto che vuoi lasciare yuri a mosca: lui ha bisogno di te, cosi piccolo, e tu di lui, ti da forza e gioia. senza di lui avresti delle preoccupazioni in piu' e non saresti cosi serena da affrontare il lavoro con h.. capisco che vuoi evitargli delle scenate, delle violenze, ma prova a chiudere gli occhi e immagina yuri a mosca e tu a londra, cosa senti, cosa provi dentro di te? ascolta le tue emozioni e poi decidi. e' importante quello che ci dice il cuore.

ci vediamo senz'altro a maggio. continua a darmi tue notizie

ti abbraccio forte
viv

I am utterly confused. Everything has been so clear some time ago, but now with all the recent changes I no longer know what to do. I know that what happened lately is somewhat a blessing, and things will change for the better.
What have I got to gain if I stay with Harry? I am not tempted by Harry's new fat salary, at all.. This is the least of my motivations. It will be hard to leave my home, but I think I can handle it. Staying at home will make it easier for me (I am scared to be homeless and stay with people who I don't even know that well). The hardest would be to leave Yuri, but I thought I could do this too. If we do not separate with him, I'll be happy. On the other hand, I really wanted a break.. Total freedom, just for some time. Wanted to see people, go out and do fun stuff as if I was single and had no commitments… This was extremely tempting.. After being suppressed for 2.5 years.
My mind was so set on breaking free from Harry, at whatever price, so now with all the latest changes I just feel lost.
I feel that I am not ready to consider other possibilities. I wanted Harry to be out of my life.. But he is insisting that he wants us to be together, and promising much happier days. I think he is feeling something, as he just wants to do anything he can to make me come back from Russia with Yuri. He is very scared that I will leave, and he will have no way to get me back. I think he is making a lot of promises, which he does not mean to keep.
We agreed we will put everything in writing, so I have to make sure we do it before I leave.
The good thing is that I do not have to make any decisions right now. It will be the hardest choice that I have ever faced. Whether to start breaking everything or to give Harry a chance without really believing that it can work).
Basically in my mind I am convinced that we'll separate, it may just be less drastic and much more lengthy than I planned.

My initial plan was out of desperation, I could no longer live like this, and did not see any way to make things better.
I found a way to escape.
Now the situation changed, and it may make my life a lot easier without me actually doing anything. But will I be happy?

When I got married, I wanted it to last… I now forgot what love is..

Life is a wonderful thing.. It never stops surprising me.
I have been very unhappy and have decided that it now has to stop.
I wanted everything to change, and I have made steps to make it happen.
I knew that the time has come for my suffering to end.. .
I was prepared for some hardship and difficult transition, I was ready to give up my home…I felt like there is nothing to loose, but yet I was also a bit scared as it was getting near the time to start actioning.
And is if some positive forces have decided to step in and give me a hand in this process. Someone must have heard the prayers that have never been said.
First Harry realised by pure chance that he is going to loose me, and he has woken up and is now begging me to give him a chance to change his behaviour.
If agreed that if he does not fulfil my expectations, he will give me the divorce and he will leave the house.
And then today he got a job offer, which he is going to accept. All this will make it a lot easier to split up!!! It is just going to take all the major headaches away.
I can still go ahead with my plan, or change it, or even give Harry a chance.. May be our marriage can be saved at the end of the day?

One thing is clear, the luck is now on my side and things will only get better from now on. I am smiling!

Yesterday I came home and saw a brown envelope on the table. Harry told me: "you've got mail".
I opened it, and realised it was from the police, with the domestic violence case number and some information about different organisations that could help. I was upset, I asked them not to contact me, and not to send me anything..
I have hidden the letter, but Harry came and insisted I tell him what it was. I told him it was something for me. He kept pushing me, and I told him it was some information about help for domestic abuse. He said: why did you speak to? Why did you report me? My reputation is ruined now, they will have a record of me, etc, etc. I told him that I am only trying to get some information to protect myself, as he has behaved very badly lately. Then Harry told me that there were two women who came looking for me during the day. He thinks that they were from the women's organisations, and came to check if I am safe.
I also realised he has read the letter. In fact he got very scared. He told me, I know you have a case against me and can now divorce me at any time. As he realised that I can leave him now, and he spent all evening trying to convince him to give him another chance. He said that all the threats that he made before were empty threats, he would never ever do this again. He never meant to hurt me or Yuri, he loves Yuri so much, he would never do anything to him. He begged me to give him a chance to improve.
He said: " if I don't get better, you can diverse me and I'll leave, and you can stay in the house with Yuri."
He also talked a lot about death again. He said that if police gets involved, he'll be so humiliated, he'll kill himself.
I was very sceptical, I know he will not change. I asked him directly why he all over sudden wants to improve? Only because of fear? There is no other motivation? He admitted that it's true, he is scared to loose everything: his house, Yuri and me. This threat is now real, and it's like a wake up call for him.
He also agreed to go to see a psychiatric doctor and to go to marriage counselling with me.. He begged to give him some time till the end of May.
He demanded an answer, and we agreed to put this all in writing, like a contract. So if he has another anger attack or behaves badly, I'll file for divorce and he'll leave.

I could not sleep again. I know I need to wait till I am away from him to make any decisions. He has too much control over me, I can not explain it, but he is like a spider, who captured me in his web.

He also has a job interview today, so there is some hope.. Though I am used to not hoping for his job anymore.
This development of events is quite unexpected, and I am all confused.

I just can't wait for my holidays now!

When Yuri was born, it was the most unforgettable day of my life.
My waters broke at 23:00 on Monday night, so we were in the hospital by 1:00 o’clock and Yuri was born at 3:13. o The birth ittself was beautiful, very fast and straight forward. It was in such a nice environment, it seemed almost like a dream. After that there were other things, vitamin K injection, waiting for placenta to come out, taking a shower, etc, etc, I did not get to the ward until around 5:00 o’clock in the morning.
I was along in the room, which was great. I was very tired and in a lot of pain, but I could not sleep. Firstly, I was too excited! I just thought it was all very beautiful, and I was ever so grateful to Yuri that he made it so easy for me, and overwhelmed with the joy of becoming a mother. Secondly, I wanted to share this with joy the whole world. I called my parents, and some friends (though it was not allowed). At about 7:00 I started feeling very sleepy, but then the cleaners came in, then the doctors brought medications, then other women got transferred to the room, so it was very noisy and I could not get to sleep. Harry came at around 9:00 o’clock. By then I was really struggling, over 24 hours without any sleep, plus the shock to the body after giving birth.
I told him that I need to sleep. He could not believe it: “what about me? What am I supposed to do?”- he said.
My poor husband was appalled that I did not want to entertain him after having a baby, how could I do this to him?

Then the whole day he was watching me and making really nasty comments about my every move: “you are crushing him, you are suffocating him, you are not holding him properly (when breastfeeding), etc. etc. I tried to be positive and explained it to myself by him wanting to be useful, so I kept quiet tried to remain calm. At the end of the day I was extremely tired of him, I just wanted him to go, but he would not leave.
Yuri was crying and could not stop, so Harry said he would not go until Yuri calms down. He stayed really late and I think I blew up at the end. With hardly any sleep and his constant criticism I could not stand him no longer… He left really late, and Yuri kept crying, so I had to ask the nurse to take him, so I can get at least a little rest.
I must have slept for 2-3 hours that night, as I could hear many other babies crying.

The next day Harry came back, and he really wanted to take us home. He was quite rude and impatient with the doctors and pushed for them to let me go home ASAP. But the doctors did not want to let us go, cause they wanted to make sure I do not have an infection, and Yuri’s blood sugar levels were quite low, so they wanted to take care of that. Whenever doctors were supposed to come, but were not coming, Harry was angry at me, and demanded that I do something about it. He was very disappointed that we did not go home that day. And me…I was dreading going home with him… and in a way was happy to stay in the hospital for another night.

When I did return home, at the end it was not as bad as I thought. The first two weeks were actually quite peaceful. Yuri was an easy baby and we managed well.
Harry did get angry with me when I asked him to look after Yuri in the evenings, when I tried to get some sleep, but he still did it. And then after my allocated 2 hours of sleep he would come into the room where I was sleeping with a black face and hand crying Yuri to me without any words.

I was still happy and I still loved Harry back then. So I was able to forgive him.

I have grown up with a concept of respect for other people’s privacy.
I have some very strong values in that respect, like I would never open a letter which is addressed to someone else, or would always pass a message for a family member..
Needless to describe the shock that I experienced when I found out that my husband did not have the same values at all.

He would open my letters without any hesitation, run to get my phone when the beeping was indicating that there is a text message for me. He would want to see it before I see it, so he can question and interrogate me!

If I am not at home and the phone rings, and someone leaves a message, he would listen to the message and then delete it. And then when I come back home, he would ask me questions to find out “something”, he is always trying to “catch me”, as he is convinced that I am hiding something…

He checks who I call and constantly asks me about every call I make. If ever I forget to tell him about a call, he gets absolutely furious. I almost stopped calling people, that’s how unbearable it has become.

His control has gone even further, when he decided that he can tell me who I can be friends with and who I can’t. He has a kind of “6th sense”, he can detect people that has had a significant impact on my life, people who truly care about me. And that’s who he wants to stop me from being in touch!

I have a very special friend W, who currently lives in the USA. We met in China about 12 years ago, and have kept in contact in the last 10 years since he left Guangzhou, despite great distances separating us.
It’s a friendship that means a lot to me, more than someone can possibly understand. But Harry did not want to hear about it. He in fact demanded that I stopped writing to W. This happened a long time ago (in 2001), when Harry was still living in the US. He made a big scene, he said he is insulted by my correspondence with W, and wanted me to stop it, though I was ready to show him every letter that I received. I remember he even cried, but I still told him that I am not going to stop it.
When he came to England after we got married, he found out that I did not stop the correspondence with my friend. He was furious… In his mind I was supposed to stop it after the previous incident. He demanded I never ever write to him, and if any letters come from W, he’ll destroy it. At the end I had to ask W to use my work address. I would never give up my friendship with him.. I do not think anyone has the right to tell me stop being friends with someone. This is just something that I can not accept!

asya, mi sembra un po' pericoloso quello che stai pianificando. ma pensa che reazione violenta avra' tuo marito quando gli dirai che yuri e' rimasto in russia e rischia di non vederlo piu'.
e poi per la pratica di divorzio questo atto si configura un po' come un rapimento. prima di agire in questo senso hai contattato un avvocato, hai sentito a che conseguenze vai incontro? ho timore che tu agisca troppo emotivamente e non vedi i problemi della reazione di h.
pensaci un momento bene...

per il volo, aspetto a prenotarlo, perche' non vorrei essere per te un problema piu' che un aiuto in quei giorni. ma quando ritorni, non hai idea di dove andare? non sarebbe il caso di organizzare il rientro prima che tu parta? hai provato a contattare qualche associazione che si occupa della violenza contro le donne? qui a roma hanno degli appartamenti dove alloggiano donne e bambini per i primi tempi di emergenza, quando vanno via da casa e non sanno dove andare e in piu' ricevono assistenza psicologica e legale. magari c'e' qualcosa del genere a londra.

stai attenta asya...
baci
vivi

We've been working hard on the house all week.
I was coming home from work, cooking dinner, looking after Yuri until he goes to bed, and then helped Harry remove wall paper, clean the walls and paint.
On Wednesday night Andrei called and said they would like to come and see us. His mother is here and will be leaving on April 6th, so we could meet before she left. We have not seen each other for more than half a year, so I was hoping that Harry will be ok with it. Plus Harry promised me that I can invite people home after March 7th ()I even have it written down. I told him that I need to check with Harry, as we still have not finished the house renovation. He was fine with it, and I told him that I'll call back on the weekend.

Harry got angry. At first he kept questioning me why Andrei called. He insisted that I must have called him earlier that day. I have not called Andrei in the last few months, and it was true that I have not spoken to him. But Harry would not believe me. Then he said: "I can't believe these people. They call and tell you when they want to come and see you, and expect the red carpet to be rolled out". I tried to explain that he did not impose anything, he just suggested that we should see each other before April 6th. But Harry went on and on complaining about it, and said that I can not invite them, and I should go see them instead. We had to leave that discussion, and I said to Harry that we'll talk about it over the weekend, as I need to get back to Andrei.

We had a pretty normal weekend, no fights and no issues. We worked hard every day. On Saturday we also worked while Yuri was sleeping. I also made a special effort, made a very nice dinner, bought wine, and we had a pleasant evening together on Saturday.
On Sunday I asked him again about Andrei, now he said that I should invite him after I come back from holidays, and that he does not want me to see him before I leave. He would not even let me go see them in London. He insisted that we meet after I come back from Russia. I told him that his mother will no longer be there after I come back. But he kept saying: "you don't want to see his mother, you just want to see Andrei".. But I DO want to see his mother very much…I tried to explain, but he simply would not listen. I got so tired of that conversation, I lost control again.. I know that I should just stay calm, there is only 3 weeks left.. But I could not. Who the hell is he to tell me what to do and what not to do?… Why does he think he can stop me, and why each time I end up doing what HE wants against my will? I called my sister and she helped me to calm down. I still have not called Andrei back, and I am very embarrassed. More so because we still have not returned things that they gave us for Yuri, cause they have to be transported by car, but whenever Andrei wanted to come to see us, we had to refuse. And Harry of course never kept his promise to go and return those things.

I am counting days now. I spoke to Domestic violence unit of Thames Valley police last week, I also called up women's aid organisations. I am getting a clear picture in my head on what needs to be done. I am no longer scared to leave him. It will be hard, but after some time I will be happy again. With him there is no hope.

Last night Harry asked me to tidy up the kitchen.. On most days I do it anyways, clean everything and put the dishes in the dishwasher. On some days I leave the plates and Harry washes the dishes the next day. He actually likes doing it, so we never had any issues.. But last night he started insisting that I tidy up.. But I really was not in the mood… So I told him I'll do it the next day.. He said, if you don’t do it now, I will not look after Yuri tomorrow. He uses this threat all the time.. I thought this is exaggerated, and absolutely inappropriate, plus he uses this threat so often, I do not even take it seriously anymore. It was already late at night, so I went to bed.

This morning, after I woke up and made us some breakfast, he kept insisting that I clean the kitchen. I did do some tidying up, but there were still a few dirty plates at the side of the sink. I told Harry I'll clean it when I come back from work. I also removed the frying pan from the sink, to give him space, so he can wash his hands, or whatever… Overall the kitchen was pretty neat.
But he was still not happy, and insisted that if I don't finish cleaning, he will not look after Yuri. I said to him: "listen, this is not important.. I'll clean it when I come back.. Don't be ridiculous!".. Then he took the car keys and said he won't give me the car.. I said: fine!, it was still early, and I got ready to go to work, and I had enough time to walk to the office… Then he changed his mind and insisted that I do take the car…
As I was leaving, he still wanted me to clean the kitchen.. So I just ignored him, and walked out of the door… he asked me to come back.. I did not.. So as I was driving to the office the phone kept ringing. I picked it up when I was already in the office.
He told me: "come home right now! I am leaving the house and Yuri is crying. I am very angry, I am shaking and don't know what to do. "
I said to him: "OK, I'll come and get Yuri". I called Stef and asked if Steve could look after Yuri today. She said OK.
So I drove back home.. Harry was there, but he would not let me take Yuri.. Yuri was crying, and wanted to come to me, but Harry was keeping him away from me, which made him cry even more… I told Harry that he is not going to look after him anymore.. But he would not let me take my son. He said, if he is with Yuri, he'll be OK, but if he is along, he'll do something crazy, like through himself under a train or something…He insisted I tidy up the kitchen right away, otherwise he'll go absolutely insane… He seemed extremely distressed and looked scary… He was absolutely obsessed by his desire to see me clean the kitchen… I went a put a few items in the dishwasher, just cause I could not stand it no longer. I told him he need to get help…
I wanted to take Yuri, but he would not let me. I was already late for work. He said that he'll be OK, and that I should not make any arrangements for Yuri until I discuss it with him first…
So I left and came to the office with the bright face as usual.. I called Stef and said that I am not bringing Yuri.. I am not quite sure what to do now… but I do not want this kind of drama anymore.. I have another 18 working days before the holidays… I guess I should just obey him, but I just can't… I don't want to let him get away with his behaviour! But I guess I would have to it…for the sake of my future freedom.

Today Harry had an interview in London in the afternoon, so I arranged for Yuri to go to the nursery in the afternoon.
As of course Harry would never agree to take Yuri to the nursery, I had to come home at lunch time, take Yuri to the nursery and then go back to work.
I did not have a problem with that, but I did not have much time.
So I arrived home, all was fine, Yuri was happy to see me, and food was almost ready.
Harry sat Yuri down on his chair and was about to warm up Yuri's food. Yuri often wants the food straight away, so he started crying while Harry was getting the plate in the microwave.

Poor Yuri had no idea that this would trigger an anger attack. Harry started loosing control and began to scream at Yuri: "you are a nasty boy, why are you behaving like that, stop crying, etc, etc". His whole face was quite scary and he raised his voice, so of course it only made Yuri cry more… Then Harry asked me to leave the kitchen and close the door. I knew that there was no point arguing.. He would have screamed at me too, and may be would have become more violent.. So I left… He tried everything to calm Yuri down, pleading, screaming more… but he would not stop. I was in the room next-door, in pain of hearing my little boy crying. Harry finally realised that he had to give him to me… So he did, and Yuri calmed down right away. When I was holding Yuri, he was getting happy again. He was sitting on my lap.
Harry told me that the food is ready in the oven. I asked him to give me the food, as I was holding Yuri, but he refused and left to go to the living room. He was very angry.
So I stood up and got my food, I sat down and we started eating together with Yuri.. He was smiling with me, and completely calmed down.. But then Harry walked in and started speaking to him with a very angry face, and raised voice again: "why are you so nasty! Don't behave like that, you are making daddy very angry!". He went on and on, and I could see that Yuri was scared.. He was even poking his nose in a very unpleasant way. He continued till he made Yuri cry…I tried calming him down. Yuri was leaning closer to me to hide from angry Harry. Harry kept abusing him till the moment we left the house.

His anger attack just had to go on, and when he is angry, he looses the ability to reason.. It's so scary.
I told Yuri that we will soon run away, and he will never be abused again.
Just one more month to tolerate!

This is just one of the examples of how our weekends go wrong..

I woke up as soon as Yuri was awake and started crying.
I picked him up and we had some breakfast.. I, of course, made breakfast for the family. It was nice big breakfast and Harry even seemed happy.
Then Yuri was playing and I started the usual chores.. I put the clothes to wash, did a bit of cleaning up here and there.. And then I realised how dirty and dusty our bathroom is.. And though it has been like this for a while, I just could not stand it no longer, and decided to give it a good clean throughout. Especially the floor bothered me a lot, as Yuri is always crawling on it.
So as I was getting the mop and the floor wipes, Harry came to me: "what are you doing?" he asked.. "I am just going to clean up the bathroom", I said. "Don't do it!" - demanded Harry, "I'll do it myself next week".. "But why?", I asked him.. "It is really dirty and it bothers me, why should I have this for another week? I would like to clean it now".
He insisted that 'I should not do it, and took the mop from me…He was blocking my way into the living room. "What is your problem?"- I said…"Let me go!" I raised my voice, as it started getting really annoying.. He also started screaming.. He was getting an anger attack. Somehow he let me pass through. I took the wipes, and went to the bathroom, I cleaned the floor, the bath and the toilet and made everything tidy. While I was cleaning he came in and insulted me, he called me stubborn and crazy.

A little later, when the bathroom was nice and clean, he told me: "Why do you always wake up on the weekends and argue with me (note: in his eyes, I started the argument!!!!) .Don't ever scream at me again. I become violent and loose control.. I can do something really scary, like hit you with a knife or something like that…."


Well, clearly it was not about cleaning the bathroom. Every time when I want to do something, Harry's reaction is to stop me! (the only exception is me cooking for him, this I can do any time I like - lucky me!).
So it's usually about cleaning, shopping (he loves stopping me from going, when we have a n empty fridge), taking Yuri to a playground, making a phone call .. Anything really simple and trivial.. He just can't stand it when I am making decisions about anything…Even if it benefits him, he still can not accept it.. He has to STOP me - this is his role in life…

I lost count of the spoiled weekends, where he would block my energy and prevent me from doing what I want.
I almost don't make any plans to see friends anymore - the only exception is when friends from abroad are visiting and asking to see me.. So this moved from stopping me from seeing friends, to stopping me to do anything else that comes into picture….

what has love to do with this...??

diceva cosi pressapoco una canzone di qualche anno fa cantata da tina turner..te la ricordi? ebbene sembra questa la sintesi della storia che mi hai raccontato l'ultima volta. e' incredibile come a volta ci costruiamo noi stessi la nostra gabbia, interpretando la realta' non con criteri razionali ma fantastici. per dire che certe volte proiettiamo sul futuro speranze o attese di cambiamenti e nel frattempo viviamo una vita di merda.
un po' ci sono passata anc'io con cristina. non e' come la tua storia, ma sicuramente io mi sono fatta dei film nella mia testa che non corrispondevano alla realta' e anche lei ha creduto che andando avanti si potesse cambiare qualcosa e cosi siamo state insieme 8 anni. per fortuna, contrariamente alla tua storia ci siamo lasciate con rispetto e ci sentiamo ogni tanto. e io vorrei poterla avere come amica..chissa' in futuro, perche' e' una persona che stimo e a cui voglio bene...ma come coppia non funziona, no!

chissa' come ti va la vita, chissa' se hai voglia di dirmi cosa stai architettando per uscirtene da questa situazione. non vorrei che facessi dei passi falsi. consigliati con qualche amica prima di agire e soprattutto cerca di pensare per primo a yuri.

pensavo una cosa: d'accordo che non posso vederti a casa tua, ma se venissi a trovarti, magari posso stare in un bed and breakfast a londra e poi ci vediamo da qualche parte, che ne dici? hai possibilita' di muoverti o no? magari puoi stare anche tu al b&B per una notte con yuri, facendo finta di essere andata a trovare un'amica a cambridge...che ne dici?

fammi sapere. ti abbraccio
vivi

Nathasha is a very nice friend of mine - we used to share a house together when I first started working for IDeaS.

I really enjoy her company and appreciate that she is keeping in touch with me.
We have not seen each other for more than a year. She is no longer working in Reading and is rarely around, so we have very few opportunities to see each other.
Recently she e-mailed me to say that she will be in Reading and would like to meet up. I was very excited. I told Harry that I want to meet her, and she seemed to have agreed.
However, as nobody is still allowed to come to our house, he insisted I meet her outside. He could not make an exception. The options were to meet her in Waitrose with Yuri before Yuri goes to sleep, or in a pub after Yuri goes to bed.

I did not want to meet with her with Yuri, as in the evenings he is quite tired, and he also has his routine, food, bath, play... plus I do not think it's appropriate to take him to a coffee shop so late in the evening.. and of course we would have been very limited, as at 19:45 I would have had to rush to go home to put Yuri to bed. So I thought the best would be to meet Natasha after Yuri goes to bed at 20:00. I called her and made arrangements.

When I told Harry, he has become crasy. He said I have to call her and cancel. I asked him "Why?" but he could not explain. He even admited that he also does not quite understand why he can't let me go. He said he will not look after Yuri after I leave the house.. I said, it's fine - he will be sleeping.. but still it would not convince him.

He insisted that if I want to meet her, I had to go to Waitrose. I told him, it's not good for Yuri. I was amased that each time he uses Yuri as a tool to stop me from doing things, and he always pretends he does not want to disturb his routine.. but here he wanted me to disturb his routine big time!

He then sent a text message to Natasha to say that I can not come and meet her..

All this made me so furious.. I lost it.. I totally lost control..

I told him everything that I think... I was so angry.
I said that he went too far.. I look after him every day, cook for him, support him financially and do not ask for anything back.. and all I get in return : shit, shit and shit!!! He is constantly complaining and criticizing me.. and stopping me from doing everything I want to do... he is taking everything from me, and just making my life miserable....

He got a bit scared, I think.. He said he will try to improve..
He even wrote down a promise that he will allow me to invite people to our house, and that he will never again ask me to change my arrangements with friends.. he said it was the last time.

I do not belive him, but at least his promise is written down.

I hate him more and more, I can not stand being in the same room with him.

I just want to get rid of him once and for all, and never see him again.. Just that will make me the happiest person in the world.

Another 5 weeks to go...

On Friday I went out for a drink with my co-workers - first time in 2 years!!!
Before Harry always refused to look after Yuri in the evenings, so whenever something was planned, I always said no. Last week Yuri was at home, which meant I did not have to pick him up from the nursery after work. Alos Harry promised me the previous time my collegaues were going out, that he would let me go "next time". so that "next time" has come.
We agreed that I will come home at 19:00. Then in the morning Harry told me: "come home at 18:45". I said OK.
He also asked me to tell him which pub we'll be going to.

So as we were going the the pub, I sent him a text to say where we will be.
About 20 minutes later he started sending me text messages asking to come home.
They said "Pls be home at 6:30, I am tired of him". I did not realise he was sending messages as it was very noisy. Then he kept sending messages, but I still did not hear the beep. So he called and screamed at me : did you get my messages? I said no.. so he demanded that I come home ASAP.

After this call I was no longer in the mood to stay.. so I went home...

It's outrageous that he can allocate me 45 minutes of fun, and even these 45 minutes seem like too much for him to handle.

I am his posession and have no right to enjoy myslef...

How did I end up with such a man????

Threats seems to be an integral part of our daily life.

It started long time ago. Whenever I made any plans for the two of us (i.e seeing friends, going away for a short trip, going swimming, or even shopping), he would use my desire to do something as a tool for manipulations.. He did it by constantly threatening that he would cancel our plans, if I don't do something that he wants. It used to work…
But with time, I stopped making plans.. The pain I had to go through each time I wanted to do something was just not worth it.

Now I only make plans for myself. Harry still threatens me that he would not let me go and see my friends, and though anything I do is still surrounded by a lot of arguments and interrogations, at least I am able to so some things I want occasionally.

Before we bought the house, he would not allow me to invite anyone to stay with us, and he used to threaten me that if my friends come, he would leave the house… He insisted that I was kicking him out.. So that worked too. I even had to say "no" to Nathalie and her boyfriend… Nathalie, who's family welcomed me to stay in their home in France so many times! I am still ashamed and in deep pain because of that...

The worst yet was last year, when I went back to work, he constantly threatened me that if I don't do things his way and don't obey him, he would not look after Yuri.

He would say things like:

"if you behave like this, you are not going to work tomorrow! You are staying at home with Yuri"
"if you do this, I'll leave Yuri to cry till his eyes pop out"
"if you don’t's come home from work, exactly at 5pm, I'll leave Yuri to cry till you get in"

It was the most devastating experience… By using Yuri to heart me he broke my heart… And my love for this mad was lost forever.

Now he knows I don't love him and don't respect him, so he is just letting it go - threats are part of our daily life. Almost any conversation would have an example of one or more of them.. Just listen to this:

"Don't argue with me, otherwise I'll get angry"
"Listen to me right now, or I am going to break your nose"
"If you don't obey, you are not going anywhere tomorrow"
"If you leave me, I am going to burn the house"


He uses the old ones and invets new ones constantly.. He does not understand that they don't work…
When I ask him, why he has to scream at me, when he is asking for something, he would say: "if I speak to you nicely, you won't listen, and won't do what I want"…

This is so stupid!!!! He has just found a perfect excuse for himself to be permanently rude and horrible to me! He things this is all justified…

Well, he made sure I have not only lost love, but also any respect that I ever had for him…
I am just waiting to leave.. 5 weeks to go.