Buchra from Crossing bridges called me today and we had a long chat… I gave her all the latest news, and she sad that I sounded better. She said they are there to offer me support and that I will be able to go to a refuge, but I would just have to pay for it (as much as I can afford).
It is nice to know that somebody does care and is there in case I need a helping hand.
I need to plan it carefully, but I know that I do not want to live like this anymore. Life is too beautiful!

I am still overseeing the dynamics of our conversations, mainly how arguments get started and how I am always the one to blame.
Perfect example was this morning.
I have prepared our breakfast and was sitting in our beautiful kitchen, enjoying my toast and tea. I was in a very good mood and was day dreaming… Then Harry came to join me and he started the following conversation:
"so who did you call and spoke to in the past 2 days?"
"I did not call anyone"
"Really, I find it hard to believe.. What about your sister?"
"oh, yes, that's right I did speak to my sister.. Yesterday, I think".
"You think! So what's the big deal, why do you have to lie to me and hide things from me?"
"Harry, could I please have breakfast in peace?", I said this very calmly..
Then he said: "So tell me what did your sister say?"
"I am not in the mood to talk about it right now, I'll tell you some other time".
This is something he does to me all the time: refuses to answer very simple questions.. So I just used his "standard reply". But he really did not like it...
He started getting agitated…."you never tell me anything!, I can't ask a simple question!"
"But this is what you do too" - I pointed out to him (again, very calmly)..
The he started getting really annoyed and angry, he raised his voice and said:
"So now you've used me for putting Yuri to bed last night and for picking you up from the swimming pool, now that you don't need me anymore you decided to be bitchy again!"
What is your definition of bitchy?", I asked very calmly
"You are very nasty to me, raise your voice, insult me etc...!"
(In fact I never said anything nasty, or raised my voice... it was Harry who was nasty, and raised his voice, and insulted me - but this is the normal trick for twisting things around).
At the end he screamed out: "I am not going to help you for your birthday party, you'll need me, but I won't be there for you!"
I told him: "please do not help me, I do not need you"..

He rushed out of the room, and he slammed the door later when he left the house.

I had a great morning after that, Yuri was happy, we were laughing together, and it was sunny and warm and I was back in my happy world.
I really do not need Harry to help me for my birthday party, I know I can manage everything by myself. I can't understand why he needs to keep threatening me.. Like last weekend he kept saying that he is going to ruin it for me, as he will tell my friends that I am a liar, that I've been telling them stories about him abusing me, but this is all bull sheet, and in reality I have been abusing him… I asked him, what would he achieve by that: he said: "everyone will know the truth… so you are now "shitting in your pants".. I just laughed inside me..
If he does this, there will be no better proof of what kind of person he is, and it will be even easier to explain to those who do not know about our situation that we are heading towards a divorce.

I am so glad that his behaviour no longer affects me...

Looks like everything is happening to ensure my birthday party is successful. I ordered Taboo game on e-bay and it arrived 2 days later, I was ever so pleased! The garden is also cleaned up. Our neighbour Winston decided to help and spent all day yesterday cleaning everything that was still there, he filled up the whole skip all by himself! Our neighbour Mary was delighted when I asked her if I could borrow her chairs, she even washed them for me, and offered to use her tables too. Everyone around me is so kind! Michelle in the nursery gave me a book for Yuri today, it's something that Yuri really likes to read, and she's got another copy.. So she just asked me to take it home! Everyone in the nursery is so nice and friendly, and everywhere I go I find smiling and kind people. I am feeling so good when I am out.. And even at work (though it's a little quiet and not too exciting lately, people are very nice).. The only exception to my happy world is Harry… I am still wondering how can this be… Last night Winston was working outside, so Harry had to "behave himself", as he was scared that Winston will hear us arguing.. The truth is, I do not start arguments, Harry does.. So he can also control it, and last night was reasonably quiet.. There was an interesting example of his abusiveness.. I was breast feeding Yuri, and Harry was ready to put him to bed. He told me: do you want me to put him or not", I answered very quietly: "just wait a couple of minutes, he is almost ready to go".. But Harry was impatient and kept saying: "come on, let's go, let's go".. And at the end he added: "I am tired of your bullying me again!" I did not say anything, but this was just a classic: he was bullying me, and hurrying me up, and then accused me of bullying HIM!
He did manage to upset for a short little while at the very end of the night, when he was imposing his views on what I should or should not get for my birthday party, and was watching over my shoulder when I was ordering things on the Internet. I almost felt suffocated by him, and started to have symptoms of the asthmatic attack again, I quickly realised it, and managed to take a deep breath and calm down.. I diverted my thoughts and managed to fall asleep.. Yuri did not wake up at night, which was a nice bonus..
I am waiting impatiently to see more pictures from my sister. She is not on-line today, and I am disappointed.. Surely not her fault, they must have some problems with the internet again. Less than a month now till I go home.. Life is great!

I was so tired of Harry after the weekend, I was glad when it was over. 2 full days with him is beyond my tolereance level.
He has been extremely rude and unpleasant throught most of weekend, causing arguments for each silly thing.
He was also angry that I did not make the arrangement with Debby the way he wanted. It was quite ambarrasing for me that morning, leaving crying Yuri there at the fun fair… but it's all over now.. Just sad that Debby who was so kind and helpful had to feel bad at the end…
We worked really hard and we filled skip on Saturday. It was raining heavily, but we still worked while Yuri was sleeping. Harry was happy after that for a little while, he even went to Reading in the afternoon to look at the sale, and I had a few hours to myself, which was fantastic. I had a chat with Steph and a long chat with my sister. Her little girl is gourgeus, I just can't get enough of looking at her.
On Sunday Harry turned back to his usual horrible self. I just don't want to be around him..
The only nice break was in the pool, Yuri was much better and really enjoyed playing in the water, with the ball, and on the staircase.He smiled and laughed most of the time, these are very special moments for me.
Last night Harry told me he took a day off on the 31st and wants to spend a day with me,..
No way! I am not giving him a chance to spoil my birthday… he said he wanted to surprise me and organaise something together… I just don't trust this for a minute.
I told him that I have plans and will be gone for the day.. At the end I even told him what the plan was, so he realised he had no chance.

Well, apart from the extremely hot weather this week, my little sister and her baby-girl, and Yuri's amazing progress with doing the puzzles, my mind is still pre-occupied with Harry's unpleasant behaviours.
Every night he comes home and tries to provoke a fight and then blame it on me. I just want some peace and not be bothered by anyone, but that is exactly what he wants to make sure that I do not get.
The night before he pretended to be nice and friendly, and kept asking me who I recently spoke to and what news did I get from people he knows.. I told him that I do not speak to many people recently, but kept on insisting that I am hiding things from him, so it all ended up in some tension.
Last night he tried to come on time so can go swimming.. The minute he got home he asked "who were you on the phone with? " I was not on the phone at all that evening, so I answered "I was not on the phone".. And then I rushed out to catch my bus to the swimming pool, but I must have missed it by a minute or so.. So just ended up waiting for 10 minutes at the bus stop and then had to come back home. I was not too upset. And I told Harry : "we both tried, but it did not work, so never mind"..
Then he kept asking me the same question about who I was on the phone with. I told him that I already answered, but he kept on: "I mean on your mobile phone." I said I was not on the phone at all. Then he said, well I tried calling you and could not get through.. You must have been on the phone. As he always uses this kind of tricks to try to "catch me" on lying. I said to him: "please do not lye to me, you have not tried calling me, as if you had, I would have had a missed call". I also mentioned that he is trying to "catch me". He became really furious. He started shouting. What's the problem with you! You missed your bus and now you are pissed off and taking it out on me and starting a fight. Get it out of your had about me trying to catch you! "
I then asked: " why do you have to ask me the same question 4 or 5 times?" He could not reason and only got more angry insisting that I have got a problem with him asking me anything, that I constantly lye to him and do things behind his back.. And that I always fight with him.
I was glad when I could leave the room to give Yuri a bath. We did not speak for the rest of the evening, which was the very best thing. I was playing with Yuri, we were laughing and have great time. He is so good in picking up the correct pieces for each puzzle, and he is almost able to put the parrot puzzle together all by himself. He is repeating more and more words after me, and he is so loving! I am having troubles putting him to sleep lately. He ends up falling asleep in my arms, but at least he no longer wakes up at night. And even when he does, he just cries for 2-3 minutes and then falls back asleep, so I do not need to get up and attend to him.

Last night I packed the box with all the presents that I am going to take to Russia. It is so exciting.. This time I will be having presents for everyone, it'll be great. Most of them are for my sister, of course.. I can's wait to see the expression on her face when he gets all the presents.. I finally received everything that I got from e-bay too.. It looks really good!

I had a really good weekend DESPITE of Harry. It's amazing how he is watching me getting stronger and happier and trying to fight back by being nasty, by pouring insults over me and by being very difficult. Yet it does not have any affect on me any longer.
Saturday morning we went swimming with Yuri.. He did get a bit grumpy half way through, but we started jumping from the side, and he was on top of the world!
At home I sorted out some old papers and then had a little nap, actually it was more of a lying down with Yuri, as he slept in my arms. And then we went to Stef's. At first Harry did not want me to drive.. I did not want to argue and said OK, but then he somehow decided to let me do it.. And I got to their place easily, I was really relaxed and confident, but in Harry's eyes I was "very nervous".. Anyways I had such a great time with Stef and Steve! The best was playing the 3 piglets and big bad wolf. Boys were ecstatic, we were running around laughing, and I still have a smile on my face when I think about it.
I got home and Harry started cooking dinner… he even bought some flowers (cheap of course), and when he was giving it to me the expression on his face was saying: Here is your flowers so you can shut up and not have a reason to say that I have not done anything for our anniversary".. It was not even romantic.. WE ate at the new table for the first time, the food was beautiful, and it looked great with all the candles around,.. But the conversation was from hell. Harry finally took the opportunity while he had my dedicated attention, and he took it all out on me again, all the frustrations (mixed with numerous insulting comments: about my character, level of intelligence, my ability of being a good mother, etc, etc).
I made a toast, I said "I hope the future will be better than the past", and this just set him off.
He insisted that I am destructive (I want to destroy what we have together), and for this very reason he is unable to change. I think he is confusing cause and effect, it's because he is unwilling to change, that I no longer want to continue.. But of course in his eyes I am to be blamed for absolutely everything. He was saying some horrible things like "I swear to god, when you will be along with Yuri, he will become so difficult, you'll regret it", "Yuri will be the most unhealthy boy, if he is with you, and most neglected, as you only know how to talk with your friends over the phone". He kept being so nasty, so I just left at the end, and we did not have any desert to tea.
I promised myself there will be no more wedding anniversary for us - this will be the very last one.

On Sunday I went to see Valerie and Mayank, it was such a pleasant and relaxing day, I loved it. Yuri also seem to feel when he is with people who are kind and loving, he was smiling, and all together was really excited and seemed very happy on the way back and at home.

In the meantime Harry is continuing with the house decorations, it's looking really good, When I came home on Sunday, he interrogated me about what kind of house they have, if they have a car, and how much they pay for rent. He asked me if they had a carpet or wooden floor, and I could not remember.. So later he used this to ridicule me, to say how non-observant and therefore inferior to him I am…When he was satisfied after he concluded that we are better off financially, he told e: "look how much you have achieved by being with me, and now you want to destroy all this!" He does not understand that happiness is not only about material things, but I will never be able to explain this to him.

Anyways enough about him.
My sister had a little baby girl on Saturday…We do not have a name yet, but I have become an aunty!!! I think it must have big a very traumatic experience for her, and now she is stuck in the hospital, all alone, with no hot water even, so she can't even take a shower. I wish I could be near her and tell her how much I love her.. I know she is strong and will recover and overcome the shock of childbirth.. I am thinking about her all the time.

This morning we had a text book argument, where he has provoked it first, and then blamed it on me. I was able to follow it and actually track down how he did it.
The conversation was like this:

A: you know, Olga thinks that my sister will have her baby today
H: another reason not to trust her!
A: why are you so sure she is wrong, today has not yet finished
H: she is rubbish anyway and she stole my money
A: she did not steal your money, your gave it to her.. She used to be good, but then she got corrupted, when she started charging money for her predictions
H: you are just like her - corrupted
A: what do you mean?
H: you also want to steal my money, take my house, etc
A: what are you talking about?
H: you said you want to kick me out and take the house
A: I never said that
H: raising his voice: do you think I have time for this early in the morning? Why do you always wake up and start fighting with me??

This time I was calm enough to respond that he in fact provoked a fight, cause he started blaming me out of the blue.. He had nothing to say..
But before it used to work, I could not understand why we were always fighting.. The most innocent comment would cause a fight and he would always blame me.. Now I finally understand. I have nothing to do with it!!!!

Yesterday I started feeling good again after meeting Shelly. I just wish we could have more time together, I think we are going through very similar things together. I think I can help her in some ways - I would really hope so. She's always been so kind and supportive, I think now she needs some help herself.

My sister is coming home, as baby is not in a hurry to come out.. I am not surprised, first babies are often late, and this is a good decision, staying home is better in every way. I am glad she understood it herself.

Work has been a little more exciting the last two days. And today there will be some kind of surprise announcement- I wonder what that is?

Last night everything happened according to the plan, Harry came home on time, the bus was on time too, and I had about 40 minutes of swimming, it was great! Harry came to pick me up, but I could see that he had a black face and deep inside he was regretting that he agreed to do this. He was angry and therefore rude and unpleasant, but I could no longer be affected by his moods… in the evening I just went into the bedroom and carried on reading "why does he do that?".. I came to the part in the book that talks about the affect on children and also about how abusive man use children to hurt their partners. The examples in the book brought back very painful memories, on how Harry used to take Yuri away from me when he wanted to be with me, or how he blocked the way to the room where Yuri was crying, or how he used to leave Yuri to cry if I did not get home from work by the time that he dictated I had to be home... etc, etc.. I also read about how hard it is to leave an abuser and how vindictive they usually become.
This made me realise how serious it is with even more clarity. I have to find a way out, but SAFE way out! Abusers usually get very destructive, and I know that Harry will be like that too.
It all made me very sad… and I am still quite sad today. Though this is a more healthy sadness that the one that used to overwhelm me, still I have to face the reality - the situation is quite bad, and I have to protect Yuri quickly.. Before he grows up and gets affected even more by the abuse.
I will be seeing Shelly today, I am very excited about that. I think there is a reason why we met and became friends. I hope I can help her.. She seems to be facing very similar challenges. Eventually I would love to help other women, so many of us are lost! Helping others makes you stronger.. And I myself could not have made it on my own.
Still there is a long way to go till I will be completely free from him…
I seriously need to make an escape plan, a good one

I am learning more and more about abuse, Harry's way of thinking and techniques that he is using on a daily basis.
Now that I have calmed down emotionally and able to protect my feelings, I am just taking a role of an observer - and hey this is a fascinating show to watch.
I can name almost every trick that he is using now and explain exactly what he is doing.
Here he is trying to kill my self confidence by saying insulting things, here he is using threats, here he is accusing me of something he himself is guilty of, here he is pretending to be a victim and have hurt feelings… and here he is imposing his way of thinking/doing things.. All as clear as a day!
Whereas I used to just get upset and confused, and was unable to understand why every argument ends up in frustration.. Now I just analyse what and how he is doing it, and do not loose focus on what I actually want.
Like this morning, I could see exactly how instead of answering my question "why he would not want me to see what information he will put in the Credit tax form", he started getting angry and accusing me of not doing any paperwork at home… not only did he not answer my question, but he diverted my attention and tried to put me in the defensive.. But it did not work this time..
Last weekend it was pretty bad, he really can't give up control over my driving, and he gets absolutely furious whenever I mention that I want to drive to other place rather than work and nursery. It makes no sense to me, or anyone else who I could tell about it.. But Harry just can not accept the reality.
He went crazy when I was about to drive off with Yuri.. He stopped the car and screamed at me for a long time, poor Yuri got scared and started crying…. He demanded that I never ever drive anywhere without his permission.
I should just do it and see what happens, but he has managed to indoctrinate me somehow… also it's horrible the way he constantly speaks about me having an accident with Yuri in the car.
I think his nightmares and fear of death might play some part in it, but it's not an excuse for saying such awful things to me all the time...

I know I absolutely should leave him, but yet I am procrastinating. I try not to blame myself, cause I do have valid reasons.. But still the thought that I have to find a way to do it is not leaving me along.

I think I am still hoping for a miracle.. What Natasha predicted would happen to him may well be absolutely wrong.. Plus I can not be sure how much longer I should wait.

What I learned from this latest book is that he is already violent (grabbing me, blocking my way, getting himself close to me in arguments to scare me) - all this is physical violence, and a very bad sign. This means it will without any doubts get worse.

It still has been relatively calm lately (compared to the month of February - April).
I am feeling great otherwise - arguments and fights no longer affect me, I do not have any fears, and I enjoy every day a it comes… Every minute of it: our little walk with Yuri to the car, when we look at the flowers and sport airplanes; greeting parents, children and staff in the nursery; coming to the office (though work has been really quiet and almost border line to boring); lunch break when I catch up with me e-mails and do things for myself. The best is, of course, the moment of going home. I even have about 10 minutes to quickly get changed, and prepare a few things for dinner, to make it easier to cook when I get home with Yuri.
Seeing Yuri's smile and excitement is the delight of my day… we take a walk home together, and then we come home and play. I even take pleasure in cooking dinner now, I know I do it out of choice, not because I have to, or because I am scared of him. If one day I don't want to cook, there is nothing he can do…
I am slowly getting back some of my rights, it's very tough, but the progress is there.
Let's see if he keeps his promise about swimming tomorrow.
I am feeling very strong, and it has been consistent for quite a long time already.
My sister went to the hospital today. I am already missing speaking to her, as tonight I won't be able to call her.. Can't believe my little sister will have a baby, and I will become an aunty! Gosh, I love her so much…
Anyways, better get back to work.

Last night Harry turned on the new TV and started experimenting with it. There is a big choice of channels, not only TV, but also radio and lots of other information.
We started listening to some radio stations, and Yuri got so excited, we all started dancing together, it was just great.
We also rented some DVDs (as Harry wanted to test the movie sound effects) and watched a movie till almost midnight, the quality is so superb, I really enjoyed it.
Yuri is interested in watching TV for the first time, we can start letting him watch some cartoons now. I think he will love it.
The atmosphere at home was so good last night!
Harry took a day off today. He will also know today whether or not he will continue working for this company.
What does the future hold for us?

I am still feeling good and full of energy. Yuri is happy every evening and just plays in the living room and laughs, and we all laugh together.
Last night Harry said that he may loose his job… His boss hinted that there was nothing for him to do there, as they are not busy.
Harry said if he looses his job, he will start his own business, doing property development.
We'll see, whatever happens is for the better. External events should not affect my happiness, thought there might be new changes and situations that I would have to adapt to. I know that the past will not repeat itself, I would not let it.
Harry knows that if he does not behave, I would not hesitate leaving him. This time he is more dependant on me in every way, and if he wants to keep our marriage, he needs to be careful.
In any way, I am not thinking about this anymore.
Harry ordered an expensive flat-screen TV, it arrived today. I had to rush home from the office to accept the delivery, but I did not even have to wait, the guy was already there when I arrived. So now we'll start watching movies at home, it will be fun.
I am really enjoying getting things for my sister's baby.. For Yuri I had no clue what to buy, I just let other people give us things.. But now it's different, not only I know what is necessary, I also know where to get it and what is the right price to pay, so I am getting all this nice things at a reasonable price, and it just feels very exciting. I am sure she will love it all!
I will surely do this if I have another baby.. But for now my little future nephew/niece is almost like my own child.

Here I am back after the long desired week of "me-time".
I feel so much better than I ever felt in the last 2 years, I feel free and finally out of the emotional prison, which I have put myself into. It's so much easier that I have ever thought, and life is just great.
Having time for myself was something that I needed badly, and was a logical step in my recovery process.
After understanding what has happened in my marriage and after trying out new ways of thinking and behaving, I had a chance to do some fun things and also take time to do things that I enjoy on my own. Going to see a movie just felt unreal!
Or reading a book in a coffee shop, without the need to rush anywhere - this is the true luxury!
Monday was lovely to see all the ladies from the post-natal group, and all the boys and girls, that have grown so much.
Deborah was such a darling to take me there, I think our friendship will only grow deeper.
She came over for a cup of tea on Thursday, which was lovely. I do hope so much she'll get her second baby! I will pray for her, thought I do not know how to do it, my thought can be quite powerful!

On Wednesday morning I took Yuri to the play group, which was good fun. We took pictures with the police car, and Yuri played with all sorts of things, and I had a pleasure to watch him. Marianne was so sweet, it was so nice to catch up.
Then I went swimming, it was great too.

Tuesday and Thursday I spent running around the shops, I finally let myself go and gave a green light to spending money on myself. I got some quality cosmetics and expensive skin care products, and I started using it every night, and already feel great!
Thursday I had an appointment with the personal shopper, and I got some lovely clothes.. I also picked up a beautiful red dress.. Now just need to find the occasion to wear it. I realised we never go anywhere where I need to be dressed up… With Harry the chances are that we won't be going anywhere soon.
I also had a hair cut, and on Sunday I ordered my new glasses. I know I will be happy with the way I look, really happy!

Friday was the highlight of the week, when we went to see the regatta in Henley. I felt so full of energy and happiness, it was unbelievable. It was a bit like being a tourist - enjoying the freedom of going to see new things and discover new places.
We had such a good time, and Yuri was so happy! We were sitting in a café just by the water, watching the boats and the people that were passing bye.. Saying hello to everyone and enjoying the moment to the fullest. The weather was just perfect too, I could not have wished for a better day.

Harry has still been painfully annoying, but I don't let myself worry about it, and at night I have all the happy thoughts before I go to sleep. In fact I think of the situations where I felt really happy and good about myself, and I fall asleep with a smile.

Just once he still managed to make me loose control, he insisted he needed to talk to me, and would not allow me to go into the room. He kept pushing me around in the little corridor, and the it almost grew into a fight. Fortunately the noise of the slamming door made him realise that the neighbours will hear us, and he did let me go. Yuri woke frightened of the noise, and my heart was pounding.. I think I almost had an asthmatic attack, as I had troubles breathing after that...

I have made my first list of things for and against staying with him.

Here is:

In favour of staying
Financial stability (8 points)
Help around the house (5 )
Not being along (3)
Him arranging all the bills and admin stuff (2)
Yuri can spend time with his father (10)
Security (2)

Total of 30 points

Against staying

Less freedom (5)
Have to tolerate his horrible behaviour (9)
I will never be able to experience true love (10)
Yuri will get affected by abusive behaviours (10)
Lot's of time wasted on arguments (6)
Impossible to do anything on my own, as he refused to look after Yuri (4)
Restrictions related to who can come to our house and who I can talk to in the evenings (3)

Total of 47 points.

So far it seems clear that I will be better off without him. This time my "end of the year" target should work.


I could not sleep last night, it was very hot, and my mind was very busy… there is a lot of excitement in my thoughts and there are so many things to look forward to!

I have not done everything I wanted to, one week was not enough, but it was still great.
My next big thing to look forward to is going home.. I really can't wait, it will be wonderful this time, I know it!

Last night we talked and Harry admitted that he knows that one way or another I am going to leave him.
I told him that he will benefit greatly if we agree on things, then he can buy me out and stay in the house and have a lot more. We even discussed a deal, how much money he would need to give me and how much I would expect him to pay for childcare. I asked for the very minimum that I need from him, so I can get bye on my own. He seemed to have agreed to get divorced at the end of the year, as soon as we can change the house over to his name.
He seems to be in a lot of pain, and is trying to blame it on me - but it does not touch me anymore. He is suffering, he feels very humiliated that I told people about the problems in our relationship. He is saying his life has no more meaning, and he is going to kill himself. He tried to make me feel guilty by saying that Yuri will be questioning me (I think he implied "why he does not have a father", and that it will be all my fault. I feel stronger than him now, and realise how easy it is to actually become an abuser… The only difference is that I do not enjoy being abusive at all. It kind of makes me sad, but I know that this is just self-defence at the moment, and I have to do it (the best defence is to attack).

I have started reading books about emotional abuse over the weekend.
It really was an eye opener… things have fallen into places now. It is now so clear and so making sense. I am so glad that I can finally start understanding something about the situation I've been in. I have to face the reality, he is a classic abuser, his actions are all out of anger, and this is never going to change.
The only thing that can change is me - my thoughts and my reactions to his abuse.
Today I have a perfect opportunity to practice a different way of thinking.

He has done this before, he just did it again. I have arranged to meet with Nina on Sunday. She was going to come to our place - we have been planning this for a long time. However Harry decided this was planned "without his approval", so he e-mailed Nina this morning to say that we are busy this weekend and can not meet her. Nina, of course, replied to him saying "that's not a problem". So behind my back he cancelled something that was very important to me.
This used to make me furious, I would probably loose control… Last time he did this with Natasha, I really suffered.
Today I have the opportunity to turn this around. I must admit I felt very sad at first, but I also managed to convince myself that this is not the end of the world.. If I get really mad, this will not change the way Harry behaves. There is nothing that I can do to stop him doing this, he is probably going to do this again. However, if I do not react strongly, he will not feel like he won.
So I am calming down.. I'll probably see Nina in London, or on another weekend. I can handle this. He can not force me to have a day with him, and even if he does, it will not be the first one and not the last time. I will survive. All I need to do now is to be calm...

I have decided to get a bit more organised and make records in the diary at least once a week.
Lots of little things keep happening, and they all have some degree of importance, so I'd better start keeping track of them before they get entirely erased from my memory.
Changes are addictive, and now that I am determined to make my life even better, I should stick to the plan.
The training that we had on the effective planning, that was surely a good thing, and everything can be applied to the rest of my life. I am already so much better at work, I forgot what it's like to be stressed. Now I just have to do a bit more of it outside work as well!
I started doing morning exercises, so far 2 days and only 10-15 minutes, but this is better than nothing, and feels good.. I just have to be consistent and push myself. Discipline is the key… Beginning is half done!
I also ordered some books which explore controlling and abusive man.. I can't wait to start reading them. Carolyn is always such great help and advise. The stories she told me left a deep impression on me. The more I talk to people the more I realise how wide-spread this problem is, and how many women are in much worse situation than me. I am fortunate in many ways, I have a job, loving family and supportive friends. And I am now strong enough to stand up for myself - big step forward! Just need to understand it all better, and this would hopefully help with the final decision. I have lost focus, I must admit. I have somehow taken a diversion from my goal to leave Harry. I have doubts, or may be just not ready for all the hassles. I need to get my thoughts organised, to set the next goal.
I've always lived like this in my life, moving from one benchmark event to another. So the next one will be between freedom and getting a new job.. Need to decide which one comes first and when I want them to happen.

The home soap opera is still going on. I am totally immune to Harry's childish behaviours now, though sometimes I do pretend that I get angry or upset, but this is mainly so I can leave the room and not be near him.
It's really sad to live like this, I just want to have as little as possible to do with him, but he always wants something from me.. Sometimes it becomes ridiculous… like last weekend in the park, he got so mad, just because I played with other children, and spoke to some people who were around.. He accused me of not being normal, he said "nobody spends time with other people in the park, you should be only spending time with me and Yuri".. Why bother to go out then??? I just laugh, he is just too possessive and can't stand sharing me with anyone.
More drama regarding the football, totally insane arguments ("it's not safe to walk to Carolyn's house" - ha-ha-ha, or "Yuri will cry and spoil everyone's evening" - bull sheet, Yuri was absolutely fine). The best part of it was that he could not do anything to stop me. So I did go, and had a lovely time.
He is playing the detective game, checking my phone, my bag, all the bills… I so do not care, I don’t even worry about deleting my call lists and messages, so what if he finds out who I called… I am strong enough now not to answer his questions.. Just waste a bit of time, but still he can't get what he wants.

Yuri keeps changing and every day he makes me laugh.. I feel like time goes to quickly and I am unable to capture all those special moments that I live with him…
I was also too busy with my problems with Harry to take time to write about this special little boy, who brings so much joy into my life. The days when we spend time together are the happiest of all. Just having him near me is enough for me to feel happy! The void that I used to have, and that never went away even during the happiest times of my life, this void is now gone.. I have not felt it since he was born.. Or may be even since pregnancy.. Hard to say now.

There is something every day, but some days have more opportunities to stand out.. Usually when we are out and doing different things.
How can I forget that day of shopping, when he got a track from the display and started riding on it around the shop? Or when he collected hangers from the floor, and gave them to me, so I can hang them back.. The grin on his face, and clapping hands ("I am such a good boy")… And the day I had a surprise in the washing machine, when he decided to give his shoes a wash and quietly sneaked them in, while I was not watching…

Or that day when he was running out of the Indian restaurant just so he could wave and send kisses to the drivers waiting at the traffic light...

He is being cheecky lately, and he likes to see my reaction when he deliberately spills the milk, or through food and plates on the floor… he has this inquisitive look on his face. I know I should be more strict, but I just can't ever get angry or upset with him. I just love him too much.

In the nursery all the ladies keep praising him and saying what a good and clever boy he is.. I wonder if they say this to everyone, or if he is truly special.. To me, it's the second one of course, and nobody will ever be able to convince me of the opposite.

It's quite amazing how much he can do on his own now.. And how he always finds new ways of entertaining himself.
His latest trend is playing with shoes (this is after being obsessed with books, and then cars).. Now he carries his 3 pairs of shoes around the house, and then he puts them down on the floor, sits down and then he is actually trying to put them on.. And as it's not so easy, he asks Harry and me to take one pair off and put another one on.. He gets really excited about it.

He still loves airplanes, and in addition to that we now have a new daily tasks: watching rabbits in the field near the nursery. We are quite lucky, as we see rabbits quite often, and Yuri just gets ecstatic. Sometime he even spots then before I do (the same with the airplanes, by the way).

His fascination for dogs has now changed into fear, after a few dogs barked at him loudly. Still he makes the same sound of excitement when he sees dogs on the street. He just does not want to get near them.

He hates washing his hair - this is worst time ever, and sometimes I had to go for 2-3 weeks without washing him, as I could not bare the screaming.. But now I do it every week. So Yuri refuses to sit down in the bath, now every time he just stands, though he does enjoy all the usual games, with bottles and colourful plates (which I use for making cubes)… but after the bath he is always happy.. And now they play with Harry every evening, and he just laughs and laughs… and my heart just melts when I see him so happy.

I do not quite understand myself anymore.. Where has my determination gone?
Am I just being lazy, indecisive or just trying to avoid hassles?
Divorce is surely going to be very troublesome time, and costly too…
But staying the way it is.. Having to endure the person who's company you are not enjoying at all, and who you would rather not even see? Wasting time on arguments with him, precious time that could be spent on somehting a lot more ineresting..
Will I ever feel in love again? Will I ever have someone being kind and gentle to me. When Vivi was here, I was struck by the simple gestures of attention and kindness that she was showing… Holding the door, making me a cup of tea, helping out with Yuri. Something that is completely lacking in my marriage. If anything my husband would do, is only try to make things more difficult for me, not easy.
At the same time, he is craving for my love, he is begging for it, but he is trying to get it by constantly demanding attention, accusing me and criticising me of not loving him and not doing things the way he wants - this is surely not the way to win my love.. I can only stand him in small doses, at the end of each weekend I am ready to pray to thank heavens that it's over.. He is doing lots of annoying things, there is constant provocation, yet my mind refuses to remember it.. It just bounces off my senses… I can no longer take it in. I do not want to think about it, and do not want to even write the examples of his behaviour in the diary, I am too tired of it.

And at the same time I live in the world independent of him - world of love and happiness (with pink clouds on the sky). I find lots of positive emotions from everywhere.. Yuri as always is my delight, his bright eyes, his naughty smile, his excitement about little things - just this is enough to keep the smile on my face… but there is so much more.. I look at the beauty around me and I thankful that I live and such lovely and peaceful place.. Flowers, birds, friendly people who give way and smile - all this is wonderful.
And my family and friends, I am just blessed… Chatting with my sister and my mom - this is the best moment of the day. And knowing that I have so many loving friends. I know they do not judge me for not being brave enough to carry out my plan, I know they still love me.
Somehow I feel that I started to live again, and no longer suffer.. Thoughts about Harry, … just like annoying flies they do appear, but I always manage to chase them away.

Harry is now busy with decorating the house, he brought quite a few items already, I am glad this keeps him occupied, and that he even allowed me to have some time with my friends. I could enjoy my time with Steph and Yvette two Sundays in a raw - that was just great.
We bought an expensive high quality sofa too… our house will soon look like a show home. I must say, it feels very good to look around and see clean, brand new house. It still feels a bit unreal, after so many months of mess, dust, unsettlement and disorder. Is it one of that factors that is making me so passive - the fear to give up my house?
I can not say right now.

All I know that one day I would have to make a decision, but it won't be today.

Yesterday I went to see the solicitor arranged through Crossing Bridges.
It was an Indian looking lady, quite young. Think she was not used to dealing with women like me, as I already knew quite a lot and was really prepared with questions. Guess she was also expecting a more dramatic situation, as what I have told her did not sound too bad (she mentioned that she helps people who try to kill each other, and that sort of things)
What she told me was somewhat disappointing, and if I use her help, it would cost an extortionate amount of money (£140 per hour!), and even with very straight forward case, with no complications at all, it would be minimum 7-8 hours of work. Me expecting it to be much more difficult that that, I simply can't even think about using her services.
She advised against applying for an injunction (occupation order), as she thought this was not appropriate for this case (the opposite to what Crossing bridges, police and everyone else told me).. She also advised against letting the court decide regarding the house and arrangement for the child (again that was the opposite to what everyone else was saying). She believes that the best is to agree on everything through mediation (which costs about £500), and then send the petition to the court.
She said if we divorce, I would be entitled to 15% of his income, but I know that he will find a way to avoid paying it.. So not going to rely on that.
She also advised against doing it yourself, which is logical - solicitors need to make their money somehow.
I left with a feeling that though she made things clearer for me regarding the process, I definitely need to get some more opinions from different sources. And I surely do need to wait, to at least save up some money before taking any steps. I also do not want to spend such huge amounts of money on that - I simply do not have it!

Harry figured out last night that I was doing something, he was concerned. He spent the whole evening trying to convince me that we should make efforts to sorts things out.
This actually suites me, as I am not ready to start anything just yet, but of course I did not share this with him.
I feel much stronger, and he knows it… He is just begging for some love and attention now.. How strangely the situation has turned around.

I am still feeling great. Had such a lovely day with Yvette on bank holiday Monday. And Yuri is my little delight, I can't believe I am not dedicating this entire diary to him - I need to start changing that.

It’s exactly a month since I came back from Russia. Time to make some conclusions!
Overall I am much happier than in the entire past year, I managed to become more calm, relaxed, I no longer over-react, and I do not even hate Harry anymore.. which is all making it a lot easier for me to live my daily live. Not only do I feel more positive and confident, I am full of energy again and willing to live every minute to the fullest! I now have some time for me every evening, when I come home from work, I play with Yuri and chat with friends and family, and though it’s only about and hour or an hour and half a day, it’s making a huge difference…And I have had some really happy times when Viviana came to visit, and when I was out catching up with friends. And just during our walks with Yuri, when there was no pressure to rush home. It’s wonderful to be able to enjoy simple little things again and be just happy for no reason.

But the most disappointing thing is that Harry has not changed at all! I might have become stronger, and am handling him better, but I have not observed him making any efforts whatsoever! And this is despite all his promises and his begging to give him a chance… I really don’t quite understand how I could have been so foolish to have believed him?
There have been many examples this month where he has been difficult, abusive and even violent (just like before). It started pretty much when I told him about Vivi’s up-coming visit, so he started his usual game “ making suggestions” on how her visit had to go.. We wasted so much time on those discussions, I had to go back and forth to Vivi suggesting Harry’s plans (that were not good for either me or Vivi, but only good in Harry’s eyes).. So at the end we still did it pretty much the way we wanted, but Harry got so resentful that Viviana did not come later on Friday night (as per his request), though we still made an effort and came home after he returned from work, he behaved in a very unpleasant way during her entire stay. He refused to do anything with us (i.e. have a drink, or a meal when we invited him, or even to sit down and talk together), and he has been very rude and unpleasant to me during the whole weekend.
He made Viviana feel very uncomfortable, and it was really a shame, as she was so sweet and lovely and absolutely did not deserve it.
On Saturday night when I came home from London after saying good bye to her, he told me that he needed to talk to me. I was tired and told him that we can talk some other time. I had a shower and went to bed. He came into the room, and turned on the big light (just as I was falling asleep), and demanded that I promise him that I would talk to him the next day, as otherwise he would not let me sleep. I said “yes”, but he still kept asking me the same question obsessively. Then he did not turn of the light, as he was leaving the room, though I asked him, so I had to get out of bed, to do it myself.
The next morning he was harassing me not letting me into the room where I needed to get dressed, so I ended up being late to go to work… I was appalled that he behaved this way…
But it did not just end there. The following weekend his behaviour kept deteriorating. He made sure he did not let me do what I planned for the day. Earlier that week he asked me not to see Shelly in the evening, but on the weekend instead, so I made arrangements to see her on Saturday afternoon. However on Saturday, Harry kept complaining how he can’t even spend a day with me, and he said he would not let me go to her place, as he would need to use the car. We ended up going to Reading, and on the way back home were driving past Shelly’s house. However Harry begged me not to go see her.. He said, let’s go home and have some nice time together. I asked: like what? He said, we’ll have some tea, and chat.. and enjoy each other’s company..
I cancelled with Shelly and came home with him. About half ah hour later he told me that he was tired and went to sleep! Yuri was not well and was crying (he was sick later that day, and must have had stomach pains), so Harry kept screaming from the bedroom “why are you making him cry? Why can’t you let me get some rest!”
I did my best to keep Yuri quiet, but he got up very angry, and said that he is very unhappy with my behaviour! My behaviour!!!! I could not believe my ears…When I tried to reason with him, it was just a waste of time.. He only kept on and on about how selfish my friends are, and how I don’t care about him, but only want to be friends.
Towards the end of the day he started saying really bad things about my friend Clair, who I was planning to see the next day. He called “lazy, selfish fat cow”. It really infuriated him that I was going to go to High Wicombe to see her, and that she did not want to come to see me.. It did not bother me, so why should he even be thinking about it? but he was. At the end of the evening, I asked him to apologise for insulting my friend, Читать далее...

was somewhat disappointing that Harry was late to pick us up. He estimated that it would take us a long time to come out, but in fact we were out in 20 minutes (probably record time ever).. So we ended up waiting for him for over half an hour, me really ill and tired and Yuri willing to run around everywhere, and getting on the way of people.
We also had to stop in Waitrose on the way back, as there was no food in the house. So I certainly did not feel that Harry has been waiting for us, or making any special effort to celebrate our return. Apart from that it has been pretty calm at home, we did not have any arguments or fights, and though I do not feel Harry is doing anything special, at least he is not being nasty, which is already a step forward.
Yuri is the happiest of us all, he was excited to be home and find all his old toys.. He was happy to be back in the nursery too.. Sandra noticed that he has become so much more relaxed and happy after the holidays, he no longer hides from people who enter the room, but smiles at them instead… He is just radiating joy and happiness all the time, and keeps inventing new ways to make us laugh. It's nice to come home and be able to spent time with him - play and read books. I started walking to the nursery to pick him up, and it's a great pleasure to walk back with Yuri and even stay outside for a bit when the weather is nice. It certainly makes a difference to be able to have time for myself before Harry gets home.. Amazing how little I need to feel so much happier!
I finally managed to sleep well last two nights, and my cold is going away (finally!!!). I tried the herbal remedies, and it seems to be working (or could it be just a coincidence?).
I have to stop thinking about the future, at least for the next couple of weeks, and just take it day by day.
I took some unpaid leave in June, and if necessary will make appointments with solicitors then and take action if I really find it necessary. I am now allowing for a possibility that it may even work out, though still not with great faith and enthusiasm, I am just too tired of thinking about all that. There are other things in life that I am missing out, and now I need to make sure that I start living my life the way it would make me happy. If Harry still stands on my way, I will know what to do.